Okay this is just something i wrote

[Renos]

Hey i'm new here and this is the begining of a novel i'm working on...its my first so please be nice and leave a comment

She held the letter firmly in her hands, half read. Tears blurred her vision, regardless of the smile sweeping across her face. Memories of the one she missed flooded into her mind, and a single tear kissed the words he had penned.

"Commander Ren?" Came a stern voice from the doorway of her tent.

She turned, slightly in her seat, her face still buried in the words.

"We have enemies."

Ren's crimson hair flew up, as her eyes snapped away from the page, her thought was not so forthcoming. An armed soldier was there. Enemies?

"Commander Ren?" The soldier seemed concerned.

Ren stood up, nodded, and resumed command.

"Get the archers, ready the soldiers, and surround the boarder. I will join you shortly."

He saluted and was gone, as he had come, in the passing of a thought. So much for letters, and past partners, tears and lonely thought. Ren stored the written memory in her pack, grabbed her bow and quiver, and made out for the ranks. Stringing her bow, she eyed the men going about their orderly scramble.

There was a fierce gruffness about the air, this day. She could almost smell the ash, already.

Ren took her place upon the guard tower, among the ranks of her loyal archers. The enemy loomed before them, glancing in the direction she was hoping reinforcements would soon arrive.

The archers readied their bows, a dark war chant reached there ears.

Ren eyed the soldiers either side of her they were trembling acknowledging the advancing forces, she commanded,

“Don’t fear them, you will miss”

They were still trembling, but she noticed a change in there faces. The advancing army could not care less. It was almost time.

She pulled her bowstring back, the others followed her lead.

“Okay on three, one...two.” She paused before shouting

“three." She released the arrow, and another quickly taking its place. The first wave of arrows hit home, followed by a second and third.

The archers took out many of the army’s soldiers, but for every soldier they took down it seemed that, two more would take its place. Ren shook her head as she released yet another arrow.

“Where is he?” she reached into an empty quiver.

She lent over the back railing and looked down at the ranks below.

“Move out…we’ll have to hold them back until, Commander Kai, and his troops get here” The soldiers saluted and headed out towards the still oncoming enemy. Ren ran along the lines of her archers and looked out away from the oncoming army. Then back at her troops, dark clouds where rolling across, the sky darkening Rens mood, her troops were severely outnumbered. As much as she trusted them she new they were about to be slaughtered.

She looked longingly at the empty space, behind her. Out onto the bloody scene unfolding before her, unable to help in anyway, watching as her soldiers were being slaughtered.

The sound of a thousand hooves rushed upon their camp from the rear.

“Kai” she whispered running off the tower, and grabbing a sword. Ren walked out as the leader trotted up to her, leading a black mare behind him.

“It’s about time you got here Kai, were not going to last much longer. I would like to have a unit left.”

Kai smiled at her and she climbed onto her horse.

“Thanks for the warm greeting Ren.”

She shook her head, and gave him a look that said, “We will discuss this later.”

Kai nodded and handed Ren the reins of her horse. The pair galloped off, followed buy at least a thousand mounted soldiers.


With the help of Kais unit, Rens team gained the upper hand in this battle quickly and soon the opposing side withdrew.

“Return to Ren’s camp and rest up. We will try and leave in 3 days time” Kais stern voice rang over the large group.

“Yessir” the soldiers all chanted in chorus, then turned there horses and headed back to camp.


Ren smiled as she rode back into camp, it was great to have Kai back. She unable to put her finger on why, but him being so far away made her nervous. She looked around the almost empty camp. Her remaining troops were severely wounded, and the poring rain was making it harder for the med teams to help them. Ren dismounted her horse, Kai following. She walked through her remaining ranks, unable to speak. One soldier, He appeared to be only ten years old. She knelt down in front of him.

He lifted his head and stiffened unsure of what to do.

“At ease soldier, tell me what your name is?”

The boy’s eyes were full of fear, but he swallowed hard and answered,

“Akakios…maim”

Ren smiled then stood up

“Well, Akakios, I have a few questions. If you would please come with us. We will find somewhere quiet to speak.” Akakios jumped up and nodded, then fell in line behind Kai.

“We will go to my tent, we shouldn’t have any disruptions there.” Kai nodded and followed Ren.

She was just about to enter her tent when she heard an all too familiar voice from behind her.

“Commander Ren, thank-goodness I’ve found you. What is going on here, why wasn’t I informed that we were under attack?”

As Ren turned the princess sneered at Kai, and Akakios

“I’m sorry your highness, there was not enough man power to inform you right away. Now your highness, I must beg your leave as I have important business to attend to.”

The princess just laughed.

“Oh no commander. I’m not finished with you yet. I have a complaint about the food. I have no idea what on this earth prompted you to think a princess could live of military rations.”

Ren sighed then bowed. “I’m sorry your highness, but in war time it is difficult to feed a single family, let alone an army. I understand the palace boasted an excess of cuisine, which might I add was gained with the over taxation of oppressed people. I believe that it will do you good to understand, how the lower classes live. Now if you will excuse me I have much to attend too. Sergent Valerius please escort princess Almira back to her tent”

The soldier saluted then bowed to the princess directing her away.

Almira turned in a huff and muttered

“At least the food here is not as tasteless as your friends’ attire”

Ren looked at Kai and shrugged. She was used to his loose fitting grey shirt and baggy black pants. It did not bother her at all. Once the princess was on her way back, Ren motioned for the others to come inside her tent.
They entered the darkened tent. Ren motioned for Akakios to take a seat on her bed. He hesitantly accepted.

Kai approached one of the tent posts, and leaned against it, smiling.

Ren looked at him then knelt down in front of Akakios.

“So, I’m curious, how did someone of your age end up here?” Ren smiled sweetly, her crystal blue eyes sparkling.

Akakios fidgeted in his seat then said quietly, “My sister got called to service, but she is very sick so I went instead.” Ren nodded, and stood up.

“Well Akakios, how about you stick with me from now on? I’ll make sure you get to go back to your family, okay?”

Akakios smiled as he jumped up and hugged Ren. “Thank-you commander, Thank you so much.” Ren looked down laughing,

“It’s okay, now go to the med tent, we have business to discuss.” Akakios let go of Ren, saluted and walked outside. The tent flap swung shut and Ren turned to Kai.

“I’ve really missed you,” Kai smiled, and nodded

“I never realised how much I lent on you. Ren. On to business, how much longer til, we can leave this stupid job” Ren sat on her bed,

“Too, long. I just want to go back to how things where, no stuck up give me this princesses, no soldiers to command, no responsibility and just being with my best mate” Kai, laughed and moved over to Ren’s bed, and sat down.

“Do you really think we can do this, I mean, I have about 10 soldiers left and we aren’t even close to where we are supposed to be” Kai placed his hand on Rens’ shoulder,

“Relax Ren, it will work out, it always dose, just don’t give up okay” She smiled slightly then stood up, and walked over to a smallish table that was covered in maps

“As much as I’d love to continue chatting we need to figure out the best route to get to the next guild,” she moved some of the papers around until she found the lands map. Kai walked over to the other side of the table and looked at the map.

“What if we make a side stop, get some supplies then head on from there” Ren looked up, nodding

“That’s a good idea, but where would we stop?” Kai pointed to a small village about 3 days march away from where they were.

“Here, and while we’re there we can visit my parents” Ren smiled, and nodded

“That’s a great idea, it would do the local merchants good to have decent sales for once, okay inform the troops that we will be leaving in two days, they need a chance to rest” Kai nodded and left the tent. Ren started to clean up the maps, and put them in her pack. Thoughts of Kais parents drifted into her mind, she could almost taste his mothers’ homemade meals, and feel the smooth arrows his father made, it had been nearly 4 years since Kai and her had seen them. She lay down on her bed, letting thoughts of her past lull her to sleep.

“Commander Ren…Commander Ren, she’s gone…Princess Almiras gone.” Ren sat bolt upright and came face to face with a panic-stricken Sergeant Valerius. Ren clambered to her feet,

“When, How?” She said grabbing her sword.

“I don’t know Commander, I went to check on her and she was gone” Valerius hung his head in shame as Ren turned to leave

“Sargent we will discuss this when I return, just organise the camp wake everyone, pack up, because of this we will leave when Kai and I return” Ren ran outside and towards the fire

“Kai, get up we need to go, she did a runner” Kai stood up picking up his sword. Ren turned and ran, grabbing her horses’ rains as she ran. She swung herself up and encouraged the horse to go faster; she could here the steady footfalls of Kais horse behind her. Ren glanced at the ground and noticed the soft footprints leading towards the forest. She shook her head and encouraged her horse to go faster.

The light faded as they continued on, online thin streaks managed to penetrate the dense forest. However, the pair did not care they just continued going.

The trees whipped past them, until Ren suddenly pulled her horse to a stop. Kai following suit. She bowed her head slightly listening when the detailed howl of a wolf reached her ears, followed by a high-pitched scream. Ren swung her reins around and headed towards the scream. The scrub began to get thicker and her horse stoped unable to continue. Ren jumped off and started running. She burst into a clearing, her eyes immediately falling onto the princess, who was backed up against a tree.

“Princess don’t move” Almira just glanced over at Ren, a look of pure fear on her face. Ren edged slowly towards her, listening carefully. She reached the princess and whispered

“Stay behind me and walk backwards do not run under any circumstances” The princess nodded as the pair began to walk backwards. Another howl echoed through the forest. Ren stoped the princess doing the same, Ren quickly glancing behind her, commanded

“Almira, go to Kai slowly, The pack has us surrounded. Go Now” Ren looked down at her feet, to look for a weapon not wishing to hurt the poor beasts as they were only doing what came naturally. She bent down and picked up a long stick at her foot, it was not much but it would do. The princess was about half the distance to Kai when the wolves began to attack Ren. Ren swung the branch hitting one of the wolves in the stomach sending it crashing into a tree, the other wolves slowed there pace sniffing the air, realising that Ren was a formidable enemy, not someone they should be hunting. One of the wolves stared at her then turned tail and fled, the others following suit. Ren turned, and glared at the princess, the air around her seemed to darken,

[danHQ]

She held the letter firmly in her hands, half read. Tears blurred her vision, regardless of the smile sweeping across her ['her' overload] face. Memories of the one she missed flooded into her mind, and a single tear kissed the words he had penned.

"Commander Ren?" [don't capitalise after speech]Came a stern voice from the doorway of her tent.

She turned, slightly in her seat, her face still buried in the words. [Don't paragraph when beginning speech, unless swapping characters]

"We have enemies."

Ren's crimson hair flew up, as her eyes snapped away from the page, her thought was not so forthcoming. An armed soldier was there. Enemies?

"Commander Ren?" The soldier seemed concerned.

Ren stood up, nodded, and resumed command.

"Get the archers, ready the soldiers, and surround the boarder. I will join you shortly."

He saluted and was gone, as he had come, in the passing of a thought. So much for letters, and past partners, tears and lonely thought. Ren stored the written memory in her pack, grabbed her bow and quiver, and made out for the ranks. Stringing her bow, she eyed the men going about their orderly scramble. [You seem to of had an explosion in the pronoun factory]

There was a fierce gruffness about the air, this day.[Colon would be better, which explains the previous clause] She could almost smell the ash, already.

Ren took her place upon the guard tower, among the ranks of her loyal archers. The enemy loomed before them, glancing in the direction she was hoping reinforcements would soon arrive.

The archers readied their bows, a dark war chant reached there ears.

Ren eyed the soldiers either side of her[Semi-colon, i think] theywere trembling[full stop] Acknowledging the advancing forces, she commanded, [semi-colon or full stop]

“Don’t fear them, you will miss”

They were still trembling, but she noticed a change in there faces. The advancing army could not care less. It was almost time.

She pulled her bowstring back, the others followed her lead.

“Okay on three, [Colon]one...two.” She paused before shouting

“Three." She released the arrow, and another quickly taking its place. The first wave of arrows hit home, followed by a second and third.

The archers took out many of the army’s soldiers, but for every soldier they took down it seemed that,[misplaced comma] two more would take its place. Ren shook her head as she released yet another arrow.

“Where is he?” she reached into an empty quiver.

She lent over the back railing and looked down at the ranks below.

“Move out…we’ll have to hold them back until, Commander Kai, [misplaced comma]and his troops get here” The soldiers saluted and headed out towards the still oncoming enemy. Ren ran along the lines of her archers and looked out away from the oncoming army. Then back at her troops,[full stop] Dark clouds where rolling across, the sky darkening Rens mood, her troops were severely outnumbered. As much as she trusted them she new they were about to be slaughtered.

She looked longingly at the empty space,[misplaced comma] behind her. Out onto the bloody scene unfolding before her, unable to help in anyway, watching as her soldiers were being slaughtered.

The sound of a thousand hooves rushed upon their camp from the rear.

“Kai” she whispered running off the tower, and grabbing a sword. Ren walked out as the leader trotted up to her, leading a black mare behind him.

“It’s about time you got here Kai, were not going to last much longer. I would like to have a unit left.”

Kai smiled at her and she climbed onto her horse.

“Thanks for the warm greeting[comma] Ren.”

She shook her head, and gave him a look that said, “We will discuss this later.”

Kai nodded and handed Ren the reins of her horse. The pair galloped off, followed buy at least a thousand mounted soldiers.


With the help of Kais unit, Rens team gained the upper hand in this battle quickly and soon the opposing side withdrew.

“Return to Ren’s camp and rest up. We will try and leave in [don't use numbers]3 days time” Kais stern voice rang over the large group.

“Yessir” the soldiers all chanted in chorus, then turned there horses and headed back to camp.


Ren smiled as she rode back into camp,[colon] it was great to have Kai back. She unable to put her finger on why, but him being so far away made her nervous. She looked around the almost empty camp. Her remaining troops were severely wounded, and the poring rain was making it harder for the med teams to help them. Ren dismounted her horse, Kai following. She walked through her remaining ranks, unable to speak. One soldier, He appeared to be only ten years old. She knelt down in front of him.

He lifted his head and stiffened unsure of what to do.

“At ease soldier, tell me what your name is?”

The boy’s eyes were full of fear, but he swallowed hard and answered,

“Akakios…maim”

Ren smiled then stood up

“Well, Akakios, I have a few questions. If you would please come with us. We will find somewhere quiet to speak.” Akakios jumped up and nodded, then fell in line behind Kai.

“We will go to my tent, we shouldn’t have any disruptions there.” Kai nodded and followed Ren.

She was just about to enter her tent when she heard an all too familiar voice from behind her.

“Commander Ren, thank-[no hyphon]goodness I’ve found you. What is going on here, why wasn’t I informed that we were under attack?”

The reason i have stopped reading is because it is worthless: the same comments will be made throughout and so is not worth my time.

The first comment being the fact that you consistently use pronouns. Pronouns being words like he, her; me, you. You can use the name more often without it being overused, but you can still use semi colons and commas for a run-on sentence, or to join the two clauses, whether they be independent or dependant. You can even use a coordination conjunction. For example, if you had a sentence like this:

"Her name was Kaiko. She ran."

You can change this to:

"Her name was Kaiko, and she ran."
"Her name was Kaiko, she ran."

Your other problem is commas. You use way too many, which causes a fragment.

"There was a gruffness in the air, this day." Is unneeded and makes it hard to read and grammatically illegal. If you used:

"There was a gruffness in the air today." Would of been better, or even:

"There was a gruffness in the air on this day."

Just a few pointers, maybe you can improve that and i'll do another mini-critique.

[Renos]

okay thanks :)

[Hellbent]

Good-God, Dan, are you a literature Natzi?

[danHQ]

XD 'Spose so. I'm alright at that, just not brilliant... try my best.

[Renos]

Its all good i really need that kind of help...i'm not quiet sure how i manage to pass english as well as i do i have no grammer knowledge at all

[danHQ]

Good... just use Wikipedia http://www.wikipedia.com <-- link. Search clauses, commas, punctuation, anything. I got all my info from there.

[WriterOfTheDead]

:) Seemed good to me. I liked it. There was one thing I noticed though more than anything-- I don't really need to give you critique Dan's pretty much covered everything-- its that shes at war and theres the enemy advancing fast it seemed to me that she just left while she was under attack. I could've gotten it wrong. It could use a little detail about the settings and voila! A few spellings and such but other than that...thumbs up. I liked it.
:D

[mammamaia]

i'm not quiet sure how i manage to pass english as well as i do i have no grammer knowledge at all

...better do something about that, if you want to be a writer!... spelling, too [it's grammAr/leaned/by/their to note just a few of the many goofs] ;-)

...as for your writing, it's purple prose-tinged and not very good, as dan noted in some detail... but you're young, so have time to improve...

...i stronly suggest you concentrate on learning the basics of good writing [grammar/spelling/punctuation et al.] and do lots of reading of the best work of the best writers [not the most popular!], then try some short pieces, before attempting to write something this ambitious...

love and consoling hugs, maia

[Evelyn]

...as for your writing, it's purple prose-tinged and not very goodEr, Maia?
Renos is a friend of mine. Please don't go around insulting her work.

Yes, she needs help. She needs lots of language mechanics help; and she needs lots of practice and experience with her writing style and with the realization & expression of her content.


But do you really think that slamming her writing as "not very good" is going to help her in some way?

Is that going to inspire her to do the mental drudgework of learning language mechanics?

Is that going to inspire her to read as much good (or not-so-good) writing as she can get her hands on, and try to figure out in her own mind what makes a particular piece good (or not-so-good)?

Is that going to inspire her to do the hard work of writing, of wrestling her ideas into words the page, and then to further have the will and the courage to mercilessly revise away big chunks of her prose?


If she wanted to get her work slammed, I'll bet you that there are plenty of people conveniently located in her home and at her school who would be very happy to perform that service for her - she doesn't need you to do it here.


This is a place for support and encouragement, not for going around telling other people their work is "not very good."


(And you just replied to a post on another thread; in which I described a drug drealer named Othello who bestows a love token on his girlfriend while they are traveling through the Sonoran desert; by asking why I can't think up my own stories.
Did you just wake up on the wrong side of the keyboard this morning, or what?)


- Evelyn, a friend of Renos'

[mammamaia]

er, evelyn?...

there was no 'insult' or 'slamming'... only an honest assessment, which is what was tacitly asked for, by your friend posting her work... please don't read into my comments what is not there...

as for my post re your thread, you are again misquoting me... do you have a reading comprehension problem, or are you just looking for a fight?... if the latter, i'm hors de combat, so please look elsewhere...

i offer help/advice/info for those who ask for it... and, regardless of how awful the truth is that i present, it's far 'kinder' than what you and she will face from agents and editors... writing is a tough, competitive business and only the thick-skinned will survive the slings and arrows of its misfortunes... i offer honesty, not sugar-coated platitudes... one can take it or leave it...

love and hugs, maia

[Evelyn]

Hi, Renos! :)

I meant to get this critique done for you ages ago, but... well, I've finally got it done now :)


The swirl of action you've got going on this story is intriguing, and you've got some great themes intertwining here: Ren's longed-for love, the skin-of-the-teeth battle, the greater war they're caught up in, Ren's friendship (or more?) with Kai, the scared kid soldier, the pain-in-the-neck princess, the prospective trip home, etc. - and being beset by wolves is always good drama :)


A few technical points: using the spell-checker is good, but not enough by itself. It's very prone to mis-corrections ("only" somehow turning to "online") and homophone errors ("your" for "you're;" "buy" for "by;" "there," "their," and "they're," etc.).
(Note: if you have a mildly obnoxious sibling or annoying classmate, it can be fun to catch them in one of these latter mistakes and then tease them about messing up their homophones. Not that I have ever stooped so low, or that you would even consider so low a stoop ;) :) :)

I've suggested changes to a lot of your dialogue and paragraphing: some style manuals may not say that my way is correct. The best thing for you to do is to find a style manual that works for you (and is acceptable in & applicable to Australia), figure out what it recommends for dialogue and paragraphing, and use whatever you decide on consistently.

Um, the same thing with commas. There seems to be some confusion in your story about where commas should and shouldn't go. Again, pick a style manual, read up on its guidelines for commas, and use them consistently.

(All that is a butt-load of hard work, I know. (I can't help feeling that you've been robbed by the schools that were supposed to have taught you some of these things, but that's neither here nor there.) My only point is that, if you are ever to have your work published, these are things that you will have to learn and apply in order for that to happen. It would be a stone pity if your potential as a writer were to go untapped because of difficulties with English language mechanics.)


Okay, on to the story:
I've put text I think should be added, and my comment & questions in [square brackets]. Where I'm just making a purely optional suggestion, I've followed it with a question mark.
Things I think should be deleted, I've put in (parentheses).

And please bear in mind that, while it may look like I'm jumping all over your story, that's really just a textual illusion :)


She held the letter firmly in her hands, half read. Tears blurred her vision, regardless of [wrong word? maybe "despite" or "contradicting"?] the smile sweeping across her face. Memories of the one she missed flooded into her mind, and a single tear kissed the words he had penned.

"Commander Ren?" (C)[c]ame a stern voice from the doorway of her tent.

She turned(,) slightly in her seat, her face still buried in the words.

"We have enemies."

Ren's crimson hair flew up(,) as her eyes snapped away from the page, her thought was ["thoughts were"?] not so forthcoming. An armed soldier was there. Enemies? [I found this unclear: is the soldier at the doorway an enemy?]

"Commander Ren?" The soldier seemed concerned.

Ren stood up, nodded, and resumed command. [no paragraph break needed] "Get the archers, ready the soldiers, and surround the boarder [? do you mean "border"?]. I will join you shortly."

He salute[d] and was gone(,) as he had come, in the passing of a thought. So much for letters(,) and past partners, tears and lonely thought. Ren stored the written memory in her pack, grabbed her bow and quiver, and made out for the ranks. Stringing her bow, she eyed the men going about their orderly scramble.

There was a fierce gruffness about the air, this day. She could almost smell the ash, already.

Ren took her place upon the guard tower, among the ranks of her loyal archers. The enemy loomed before them, glancing in the direction [from which?] she was hoping reinforcements would soon arrive. [Unclear: Is it the enemy glancing in the direction of the expected reinforcements?]


The archers readied their bows(,) [replace comma with "as"?] a dark war chant reached there[their] ears.

Ren eyed the soldiers either side of her [needs colon: or dash -] they were trembling acknowledging ["in acknowledgment of" - or "in anticipation of"?] of the advancing forces(,)[start new sentence - . S](s)he commanded, [no paragraph break needed] “Don’t fear them, ["or"?] you will miss[.]”

They were still trembling["still trembled"?], but she noticed a change in (there)[their] faces. The advancing army could not care less.

[New paragraph needed] It was almost time. She pulled her bowstring back, ["and"?] the others ["her archers"?] followed her lead.

“Okay on three(,)[start new sentence - . O](o)ne...two.” She paused before shouting [I would move this paragraph break] “three." [to here]

She released the arrow, and another quickly taking its place.[Awkward - rephrase?] The first wave of arrows hit home, followed by a second and third.

The archers took out ["killed" or "disabled" might be better here] many of the army’s soldiers, but for every soldier they took down it seemed that(,) two more would take its ["its" is confusing as it implies something non-human - maybe "that one's" instead?] place. Ren shook her head as she released yet another arrow.

“Where is he?” she ["wondered, as she"] reached into an empty quiver.

She lent[do you mean "leaned"?] over the back railing and looked down at the ranks below. [I would move this paragraph break] “Move out…we’ll have to hold them back until(,) Commander Kai(,) and his troops get here[.]” [to here]

The soldiers saluted and headed out towards the still[-]oncoming enemy. Ren ran along the lines of her archers and looked out away from the oncoming army(. )[I would move this sentence break ", t"]hen back at her troops(,) [to here ". D"](d)ark clouds where[were] rolling across(,) the sky[,] darkening Ren[']s mood(,)[And make this its own sentence ". H](h)er troops were severely outnumbered. As much as she trusted them[,] she (new)[knew] they were about to be slaughtered.

She looked longingly at the empty space(,) behind her, ["And then o"](O)ut onto the bloody scene unfolding before her, unable to help in any[two words - needs a space between them]way, watching as her soldiers were (being - is this word needed?) slaughtered. [Do you want to use "slaughtered" twice in such quick succession? Maybe "decimated," massacred," or "mowed down" instead?]

The sound of a thousand hooves rushed upon[wrong word? maybe "toward"?] their camp from the rear.

“Kai” she whispered[,] running (off) [down from] the tower(,) and grabbing a sword. Ren walked out as the leader [of the reinforcements?] trotted [his mount?] up to her, leading a black mare behind him.


[We interrupt this critique for a brief and not very relevant rant. Please don't take this personally, Renos, this is just sort of a pet peeve of mine that has only very little to do with this particular story.

So what I wanna know is -
Why is it that women warriors in fantasy fiction can be tough as nails, garroting a hundred enemy spies before breakfast and striding roughshod over their bodies in (hopefully not high-heeled) hob-nailed boots to their morning repast of raw orc-flesh and brutally strong black coffee -
- but when the horses are brought round, they always wind up riding mares? Is there no sword-wielding heroine out there who can handle riding a stallion? Do the rider and the horse really have to have matching sets of male equipage?

Okay, end of rant.
Your heroine can ride any darned horse she likes, Renos, and the one she likes today is a black mare :)
We now return you to the critique in progress.]


“It’s about time you got here[,] Kai, we[']re not going to last much longer. I would like to have a unit left.” [I'm confused here: she'd like to have one unit left out of all her soldiers? How many units did she have to start with?]

Kai smiled at her (and)[as] she climbed onto her horse. [no paragraph break needed] “Thanks for the warm greeting[,] Ren.”

She shook her head, and gave him a look that said, “We will discuss this later.”

Kai nodded and handed Ren the reins of her horse. The pair galloped off, followed (buy)[by] at least ["at least"? shouldn't Kai & Ren, as commanders, know how many soldiers they've got?] a thousand mounted soldiers.


With the help of Kai[']s unit, Ren[']s team gained the upper hand in (this)[the] battle quickly and soon the opposing side withdrew.

[I'd like to see this expanded a bit - we've had all this build-up and worry, and then...poof! - it's all over.
Maybe just a sentence or two with Ren, teeth bared and sword upraised, leading the triumphant charge (on her powerful black mare :), while Kai leads a smaller detachment in a flanking movement, and the surprised and now-disorganized enemy forces sounding a desperate retreat.
Your ideas for the battle will probably be better than mine :) ][/FONT]

“Return to [Commander] Ren’s camp and rest up. We (will try and)["expect to" would be more like a military commander] leave in (3)[three] days time” Kai[']s stern voice rang ["out"?] over the (large group)[would something like "massed troops" be better here?].

“Yessir” the soldiers (all - redundant with "in chorus") (chanted)[soldiers don't chant much - would "barked" be better here?] in chorus, then turned (there)[their] horses and headed (back to)["for the" - Kai's troops haven't been there yet, & so can't technically go 'back'] camp.


Ren smiled as she rode back into camp(,)[this needs a colon: or a dash -] it was great to have Kai back. She [was] unable to put her finger on why, but (him)[his] being (so - this implies that he's still far away) far away made her nervous.
[I'd start a new paragraph here - the focus is changing.]

She looked around the almost empty camp. Her remaining troops were severely wounded, and the po(u)ring rain was making it harder for the med["ical"?] teams to help them. Ren dismounted (her horse - unneeded), Kai following [suit]. She walked through her remaining [do you want to use "remaining" twice in one paragraph? maybe "decimated"? or "She walked through what was left of her ranks"?] ranks, unable to speak ["because of her grief over the soldiers she'd lost"?].
[I'd start a new paragraph here, too.]

One soldier, (He)[who] appeared to be only ten years old, [caught her eye]. She knelt [would "crouched" be here better here?] down in front of him ["so she could see into his face"?].

He lifted his head and stiffened(,) unsure of what to do.

“At ease(,) soldier(, t)[. T]ell me what your name is?”

The boy’s eyes were full of fear, but he swallowed hard and answered, [no paragraph break needed] “Akakios…maim”

Ren smiled[, and] then stood up(,) [no paragraph break needed] “Well, Akakios, I have a few questions. If you would please come with us. We will find somewhere quiet to speak.”
[paragraph break is needed here to show that Ren said the last bit of dialogue, and not Akakios]

Akakios jumped up and nodded, then fell in line behind Kai.

“We will go to my tent, we shouldn’t have any disruptions there.”["said Ren." Without a speech tag here, Kai's being the subject of the next sentence implies that he's the speaker of this line.] Kai nodded and followed (Ren)[her].

She was just about to enter her tent when she heard an all[-]too[-]familiar voice (from) behind her.

“Commander Ren, thank(-)goodness I’ve found you. What is going on here, why wasn’t I informed that we were under attack?” [no paragraph break needed] As Ren turned[,] the princess sneered at Kai(,) and Akakios[.]

“I’m sorry[,] (y)[Y]our (h)[H]ighness [titles take capitalization like proper names], there was not enough man( )power["manpower" is one word - but maybe not the right one for a gender-neutral army? Perhaps reword to "in heat of the crisis, there was no one available"?] to inform you right away. Now[,] (y)[Y]our (h)[H]ighness, I must beg your leave as I have important business to attend to.”

The princess just laughed. [no paragraph break needed] “Oh[,] no[,] (c)[C]ommander. I’m not finished with you yet. I have a complaint about the food. I have no idea what on this earth prompted you to think a princess could live (of)[on] military rations.”

Ren sighed then bowed. “I’m sorry[,] (y)[Y]our (h)[H]ighness, but in war time it is difficult to feed a single family, let alone an army. I understand the palace boasted an excess of (cuisine)[wrong word - "fine foods"?], which might I add was (gained with)[badly worded - "attained by"?] the over( )taxation ["overtaxation" is one word] of oppressed people. I believe that it will do you good to understand(,) how the lower classes live. Now if you will excuse me[,] I have much to attend to(o). Sergent Valerius[,] please escort princess Almira back to her tent[.]”

The soldier saluted[,] then bowed to the princess (directing)[and directed] her away.

Almira turned in a huff and muttered[,] [no paragraph break needed] “At least the food here is not as tasteless as your friends’ attire[.]”

Ren looked at Kai and shrugged. She was used to his loose fitting grey shirt and baggy black pants(. It)[: they] did not bother her at all. Once the princess was on her way( back), Ren motioned for the others to come inside her tent.
[a blank line is needed between paragraphs]
They entered the darkened tent. Ren motioned for Akakios to take a seat on her bed(. H)["And he" - I would combine these sentences] hesitantly accepted. [I don't think you need a paragraph break here] Kai (approached one of the tent posts, and leaned against it)[maybe reword to just "leaned against one of the tent posts"?], smiling.

Ren looked at him[,] then knelt["crouched"?] down in front of Akakios.

“So, I’m curious, how did someone of your age end up here?” Ren smiled sweetly, her crystal blue eyes sparkling.

Akakios fidgeted in his seat[,] then said quietly, “My sister got called to service, but she is very sick[,] so I went instead.” [I'd put a paragraph break here.]

Ren nodded, and stood up.[no paragraph break needed] “Well Akakios, how about you stick with me from now on? I’ll make sure you get to go back to your family, okay?”

Akakios smiled as he jumped up and hugged Ren. “Thank(-)[ ]you[,] (c)[C]ommander, (T)[t]hank you so much.” [I'd put a paragraph break here]

Ren looked down laughing, [no paragraph break needed] “It’s okay, now go to the med tent, we have business to discuss.” [putting a paragraph break here makes it clear that Ren was the speaker, not Akakios]

Akakios let go of Ren, saluted[,] and walked outside. The tent flap swung shut and Ren turned to Kai. [no paragraph break] “I’ve really missed you(,)[.]"[paragraph break here]

[Pair subjects of sentences with speakers of dialogue to make clear who is speaking]
Kai smiled, and nodded[.] [no paragraph break] “I never realised how much I (lent)[leaned] on you(.)[,] Ren. On to business(,)[- use a dash here] how much longer til(,) we can leave this stupid job[?]”

Ren sat on her bed, [no paragraph break] “Too(,) long. I just want to go back to how things (where)[were], no stuck up give(-)me(-)this princesses, no soldiers to command, no responsibility[,] and just being with my best mate(.)”

Kai(,) laughed[,] (and) moved over to Ren’s bed, and sat down.

[I'm confused: is this Ren speaking?] “Do you really think we can do this(,)[?] I mean, I have ["maybe"? - you need to somehow make it clear that this is an exaggeration] about 10 soldiers left[,] and we aren’t even close to where we are supposed to be[.]” [paragraph break here]

Kai placed his hand on Ren[']s(’) shoulder, [no paragraph break] “Relax[,] Ren, it will work out, it always (dose)[does](, j)[. J]ust don’t give up[,] okay[?]” [paragraph break here]

She smiled slightly then stood up, and walked over to a small(ish) table that was covered in maps[.]

“As much as I’d love to continue chatting[,] we need to figure out the best route to get to the next guild,” she moved some of the papers around until she found the lands map.[Is this an Aussie term? I've never heard of a "lands map," but I'm American.] [paragraph break here]

Kai walked over to the other side of the table[,] and looked at the map. [no paragraph break] “What if we make a side stop, get some supplies[,] then head on from there[?]” [paragraph break here]

Ren looked up, nodding [no paragraph break] “That’s a good idea, but where would we stop?” [paragraph break here]

Kai pointed to a small village about (3)[three] days march away from where they were. [no paragraph break] “Here, and while we’re there we can visit my parents[.]” [paragraph break here]

Ren smiled(,) and nodded[,] [no paragraph break] “That’s a great idea, it would do the local merchants good to have decent sales for once(, o)[. O]kay[,] inform the troops that we will be leaving in two days(,)[: a colon (or a dash) is needed here] they need a chance to rest ["first"?] [.]” [paragraph break here]

Kai nodded and left the tent. Ren (started to clean)[folded] up the maps(,) and put them in her pack. Thoughts of Kai[']s parents drifted into her mind(, s)[. S]he could almost taste his mother[']s(’) homemade meals, and feel the smooth arrows his father made(, i)[. I]t had been nearly (4)[four] years since (Kai and her)[she and Kai] had seen them. She lay down on her bed, letting thoughts of her past lull her to sleep.

“Commander Ren[!]…Commander Ren, she’s gone[!]…Princess Almira[']s gone.” Ren sat bolt upright and came face to face with a panic-stricken Sergeant Valerius. (Ren clambered to her feet,

“When, How?” She said grabbing her sword.)[I might rework this as "[paragraph break] "She clambered to her feet, grabbing her sword. "When? How?”]

“I don’t know Commander, I went to check on her and she was gone” Valerius hung his head in shame as Ren turned to leave[.]

“Sargent[,] we will discuss this when I return, just organise the camp[.] (w)[W]ake everyone(,) [and] pack up(, b)[. B]ecause of this[,] we will (leave)[maybe "strike camp and march" would be better here?] when Kai and I return[.]” Ren (ran)["Ren ran" just happens to sound a bit awkward - maybe she "dashed" instead?] outside and towards the fire[.]

“Kai, get up[,] we need to go, (she)["the Princess" - unless Ren and Almira are the only "she's" in camp] did a runner[.]” Kai stood( up)[,] picking up his sword. Ren turned( and ran), grabbing her horse[']s(’) (rains)[reins] as she ran. She swung herself up and (encouraged the horse to go faster)[urged the mare on]; she could (here)[hear] the steady footfalls of Kai[']s horse behind her. Ren glanced at the ground( and noticed)[, noticing] the soft (foot)prints [of the Princess's slippers] leading towards the forest. She shook her head ["in frustration"? "in resignation"? "in foreboding?" "in disgust?"] and (encouraged her horse to go)[urged her horse on even] faster.

The light faded as they (continued)[went] on, (online)[only?] thin streaks [of light?] (managed to) penetrate[d] the dense forest. However, the pair (did not care they just continued going)["just pressed on into the deepening gloom"?].

The trees whipped past them, until Ren suddenly pulled her horse to a stop(.)[,] Kai following suit. She bowed her head slightly[,] listening[.] (when t)[T]he (detailed)[? - is this the word you wanted?] howl of a wolf reached her ears, followed by a high-pitched ["human"?]scream. Ren swung her (reins)[horse] around and headed towards the (scream)["sounds"?]. The ["brushy"?] scrub (began to get)[got] thicker and her horse stop[p]ed[,] unable to continue. Ren jumped (off)["down"?] and started running. She burst into a clearing, (her eyes) immediately (falling onto)[sighting] the princess(, who was)[standing] backed up against a tree.

“Princess[,] don’t move[,]” Almira just glanced over at Ren, (a look of) pure fear on her face. Ren edged slowly towards her, listening carefully. She reached the princess and whispered [no paragraph break] “Stay behind me and walk backwards[.] (d)[D]o not run under any circumstances[.]”[paragraph break here]

The princess nodded (as) [. and] the pair began to walk backwards. Another howl echoed through the forest. Ren stop[p]ed the princess doing the same, [howling, do you mean? I find this sentence unclear] Ren[,] quickly glancing behind her, commanded [no paragraph break] “Almira, go to Kai slowly(,)[.] The pack has us surrounded. Go["."?] Now[.]” [paragraph break here]

Ren looked down at her feet(, to look) for a weapon[,] not wishing to hurt the poor beasts as they were only doing what came naturally. She bent down and picked up a long stick (at her foot), it was not much but it would do. The princess was about half[way] (the distance) to Kai when the wolves began to attack Ren. (Ren) [She] sw(u)[a]ng the branch[,] hitting one of the wolves in the stomach[,] sending it crashing into a tree(,)[.] (t)[T]he other wolves slowed (there)[their] pace[,] sniffing the air, [and gradually] realising that Ren was a formidable enemy, not someone they should be hunting. One of the wolves stared at her[,] then turned tail and fled, the others following suit. [I'd put a paragraph break here]

Ren turned, and glared at the princess(,)[.] (t)[T]he air around her seemed to darken(,)[... an ellipses, aka "dot dot dot," is the usual way of showing that a piece of text has been left unfinished for some reason - although a dash can also be used]



Like I said before: cool plot, great action :)


A couple of notes on the story:

I like the characters: Ren and Kai and Akakios and even poor old Sargent Valerius. (I don't like Almira much, though :)
It wasn't clear to me whether Kai is the longed-for writer of the letter at the start of the story - but that may be the way you intended it.

The setting is a little unclear: I'd have liked a better idea of how big the camp was, what sort of tower (a castle, maybe?) the archers were shooting from, and where both the battlefield and the forest were with respect to the camp and tower.

The dialogue sounds a little stilted to me, but it may be that you have your characters speaking in a formal idiom. If that is the case, you may need to watch for any swoops into informal speech - Kai & Ren's conversations together seem to vary widely in formality. (OTOH, you may mean for them to be formal with each other in public and more relaxed when speaking privately about personal matter - but those sorts of changes in the tone of dialogue always need careful attention in order not to just seem uneven.)

The plot is a good beginning to a longer story. There's a little suspension of disbelief for the fantasy/alternate world elements, and for the amount of action you've packed in; but hey - it's a sci-fi/fantasy story with a lot of action packed in :)


The fantasy world you're creating here seems to express the freedom and power that so many people long for, and I think that will have a lot of appeal to readers.

You've got the beginning makings of something really worthwhile here, Renos :)

- Evelyn

[Crazy Ivan]

I agree with everything in both of MM's posts, pertaining both to writing critique and Evelyn's critique of said critique (I can never resist annoying sentences!). Renos has work to do, but lots of time to do it. It's not an insult, the same way that saying someone with brown hair has brown hair isn't a put-down. It's a fact. Evelyn's intentions are quite good, but don't try to shelter Renos too much.
Keep writing, Renos!

[Handguns For Hearts]

Evelyn, I agree with you.