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Ennubi
01-31-2007, 01:38 PM
Hi,

I guess I'll start things out? I'm hoping the reason my posts are getting ignored under novels is that I'm starting way out in Chapter 7. Maybe it would be better to start at the beginning.

This is the first half of chapter 1. I am trying to end up with a novel that would be of interest to teen - adult that an agent/publishing house might accept. I have one minor online pub credit to date- never could do anything short.

Any sort of nits or crits would be welcome (I am really, really bad with typos).

Thanks,

Ennubi

RPGs

Chapter One: A New Friend

I threw myself into a tight roll over the cavern’s floor. Flames scorched both my soft leather jerkin and my tender skin. Diving into the cavern’s natural pool, I welcomed the refuge it offered from the inferno above me. The lights blasting overhead finally dimmed, so I leapt up and drew out my new enchanted shuriken from my belt pouch.

A soul-shattering roar blasted throughout the entire cavern…

…and my hand faltered on the joystick as I remembered what that roar’s owner had done to me the last three times I’d tried this fight…

“Jason! Turn that volume down! If you wake the baby again with your stupid fighting game, I swear I’m going to….!”

I sighed as Ebingale the Mighty bit my ninja’s head off for the fourth time in a row. Drumming my fingers against the joystick, I reached out and pulled the power plug out of the speakers. Too much trouble trying to figure out what won’t wake Carrie up when I’m not allowed to hang out in my own room and keep my own stupid door closed!

“Have you taken the trash out? I told you to….”

…take that out after dinner. Of course, it will still be there when I beat Ebingale and I was going to get to it, but you don’t want to listen to that. You don’t ever want to listen. My stomach twisted into a knot, acids burning. Memories from the last school year flooded my mind. Wrecking Ball came after me every morning before school started for a whole year. You never listen to me about the small stuff. Why would you have listened to something that big? He always told me that nobody would listen, nobody would care. I’m just lucky Paul and Twinkie turned up in time to protect my backside before I got beaten to a pulp.

“Not yet, Mom. I’ll go now.” I sighed. The feel of the joystick in my hands and seeing the ‘loading’ scene were both very welcome distractions from old and ugly memories. Naturally, she felt some stupid chores were a lot more important than gaming.

I decided to risk lingering another minute or two. The auto-restore feature of Ninja Journey: The Dragon Wars had just warped me back to Installation, and I saw several familiar characters running around in town.

[that dragon killed u- again? when r u gonna learn?] Islea-Ra demanded, walking over from the potions shop. Her message appeared rimmed with its signature lightning bolts.

Kinto98 ran right up to me. [lol…u need yur brains leveled up!]

[brb- trash ] I’d explain when I got back how getting one’s head bitten off by your mom was a lot more permanent. Life, unfortunately, didn’t come with an auto-restore feature, magic shuriken, or happy endings…

“I wish I could rewrite the code.” Grumbling, I kicked at the banister on my way downstairs.

Carrie must’ve heard me because she started fussing in protest in her room at the top of the stairs. “What was that?!” Mom demanded. “Jason!!!”

So my parents can stop griping about my ‘stupid fighting games’ long enough to hear something after all. I ran for the backdoor. Ebingale can’t be any scarier than Mom!

*****

“Well, um, thanks?” I scratched my head with the stylus, peering down at the little glyph-covered box in my hand. A long time ago, my father had told me gnomes and their crazy inventions were much like saltpeter and sparks: volatile and completely unstable. “It’s a great,…whatchma…thank you gift!!”

Edmudmud the Inventor didn’t look nonplussed in the slightest. He peered up at me with dark eyes made enormous by dish-sized glasses. “You saved my life and my merchandise back at the river! I would’ve drowned and been without product if it wasn’t for you. I assure you, these scrying boxes are the very latest rage, Rejes! Students of all the disciplines love them to the point that I really can’t keep up with demand. Please, enjoy this one!”

I nodded like I understood what he was talking about. Okay, I’d seen plenty of the boxes- I confiscated them from my ninja students on a regular basis after all. That didn’t mean I knew why the children were so enthralled by them, or that I really cared why…life was too hard to bother with such foolish things. My students would be far better off learning that lesson than wasting their time.

Back in the ninja wing of the Erichio Complex, I slipped off my sandals and waved my hand over my door to break the protective spirit-seal I’d laid before leaving. The yowling of my next door neighbor’s cats was almost a welcome nuisance, given it wasn’t the whining of seventeen thirteen year olds day in and night out.

The painted rush door panel slipped aside, and I shut and locked it behind me. It was a relief to feel the world locked out for a change. No company tonight. Let Kirion have his lady-friend of the week up from the village tonight. After leading my students for two weeks in the field for a training exercise, I wanted nothing but peace and quiet. Thoughts of Cerinni flashed into my mind. Beautiful and talented you are, my lady kunouchi, but you aren’t quiet by any stretch of the imagination!

I yawned. I’d had the oddest dream last night of getting my head bitten off by a dragon over and over again while a baby wailed somewhere out of sight. Perhaps trying to keep my class in line provoked the strange dreams. I’d never been more tempted to just give up on the lot of them and go home.

A quick trip to the cooler showed that the electricity was still on. Even more miraculous, some food had endured for two whole weeks. I’m impressed. The scholars don’t usually have that much success with their brittle copper wires or their ancient hydro-station. Surely one of their gnomish techno-devices should’ve broken again by now.

I took a lazy moment to watch my vegetable ramen start to boil on the hot plate. Even after a year of being assigned to Erichio, instead of scout duty in the surrounding lands, this minor miracle never ceased to impress me. Taking it off, I stirred it with my chopsticks and grabbed a cup of tea I’d set to steeping.

Food acquired, I settled down with it at my worktable to begin the reports.

I picked up the first paper: Kilninii Rei. I struggled to keep from crumpling the report. That boy is clever, talented…and has a tree stump’s focus. If he doesn’t start concentrating soon, Rei and the poor sod forced to partner with him during the apprentice exam could easily end up dead in the Hydra Marshes.

Setting aside the papers for a moment, my thoughts drifted back to my last meeting with the Sursini-sama. He believed swift development of our young talent was the best way to deal with the powerful Irkinu and had designed a deadly apprentice exam. His goal, which carried over my strenuous objections, was to ensure only the highest caliber trainees became Erichio’s future apprentice ninja. The Surini-sama had gotten his way, but my father’s disapproving face had started reappeared in my nightmares.

From the floor below, Sieu’s dog began barking at nothing. Again. The irritating sound sent my thoughts back to my students and their endless chatter about that game during the survival exam….

“And then, I had my sixth grader and his dog jump the fence and the old woman chased us all the way down the block! It was the best!”

“Was not! The fire hydrant!”

“The car!”

Rei’s excited voice lingered in my mind. I set his report back down. The foolish boy’s antics made it plain to me that I was not getting ‘it,’ whatever the Netherworlds ‘it’ was. These children are my responsibility. How can I prepare them for the horrors and battles ahead, for the fight to simply survive, when I don’t even speak their language?

I pulled out the scrying box and stylus from my bag. Opening the box, I waved a hand over the silvery liquid inside. One of the glyphs on the outside glowed, and a strange menu like a tea house’s appeared on the liquid.

“Outlander Outback: The Mech Society Adventures.” The characters across the top proclaimed in bold letters. Another glyph glowed and awful music, full of shrieking, grating strings, rang out.

I grimaced, turning the box on its side to examine the glyphs. “Of course, a gnomish device wouldn’t come with directions.”

Giving up, I set the scrying box back down. A graphic of a young boy riding a wheeled board appeared in the pool. His clothing was strangely cut and colored, being covered with chains and unfamiliar symbols. He tore across the pool’s surface, flew into the air, and landed head-first in a tall grey can. The sequence replayed over and over.

“Well, that doesn’t tell me much.”

At the bottom of the screen, two options promised better luck.

[New Character] – [Load Character]

Whipping out the stylus, I struck [New Character].

*****

I awoke with a start, cursing at the familiar wailing coming from down the hall. Squinting at the digital clock over my computer, I could just make out ‘6:30 AM.’

“How much longer can Carrie do this?” I didn’t get to bed ‘til 1:30!

Scratching, I found my glasses by touch and dragged myself out of bed. I bumped into Mom just outside of the bathroom.

I opened my mouth to say something smart, but then I really saw her for the first time in a long while. She was leaning heavily on the wall and her eyes were badly bloodshot. “Look, I’m sorry. Small babies just wake up a lot, Jason.”

Whatever. I opened my mouth to say the word, but what came out was: “It’s okay. Maybe it’s just a diaper. I can check on her if you want.” I jumped at the sound of my own voice. But I don’t say that. I don’t do that. Why did I say that? What’s going on?

Mom gawked like I’d dyed my hair purple. “That…would be wonderful. Just call me if you need anything…are you sure?”

“Yeah.” At this point, I would’ve said anything just to get away. I doubled back to the baby’s room, shaking and sweating. This is the dream and Mr. Fergus chasing me around the school in a clown suit is the reality, right?

One diaper change and three kiddie mobile tunes later, I looked down at my sleeping baby sister. I couldn’t remember I’d just watched her. Usually she was too busy screaming her head off to make the idea attractive. Hmm, that whole pink thing is kinda cute…when she isn’t trying to break my eardrums. So this is what Mom does every morning and night?

Running downstairs, I grabbed a bowl of Captain Crunch and turned on Cartoon Network. Normal things. Real things. Not weirdo words popping out of my mouth. But it’s just the late night talking. Everything goes loopy the next day. I’ve seen that before.

Even so, a little feeling kept whispering in my ear that I hadn’t seen anything yet. I tried to ignore my shivers….but this was early fall and the weather was still warm.

“You know the rules. The tv’s mine before school. Your cartoons will be there later.” I could have set my watch by Dad’s nagging each and every morning.

Sighing, I flipped to CNN. He always made me turn on CNN every morning without fail. Making a face at him, I stood up for my morning email check before running for the bus. The news broadcaster appeared on the tv and then the New York studio became an image of Columbine High School. “Five years today, uh?”

I sat back down, staring.

“You’re always welcome to join me, if you want to.”

I felt Dad’s eyes boring into me. Shivering again, I watched, numb inside, as parents memorialized their dead children and broadcasters showed clips of the carnage’s aftermath. “I’m….” My eyes settled on my watch: 7:35. “…late!”

Outside, I ran down the street, backpack bouncing against my spine. The eternal sooty-yellow bus was just pulling up to my stop in a plume of exhaust. Some weird red four-door was parked along my path to the bus stop. A tiny old guy who looked like Santa Claus in miniature waved me over as I sprinted past him. I would’ve laughed if I’d had any air left. The CNN broadcast about Columbine flashed back to mind. In a world where stuff like that happens, what kid is gonna be stupid enough to talk to a strange man in his car? That guy’s either sick or just downright stupid.

Gasping, I hauled myself up the bus’ handlebars. I glanced back to check on the red four-door, but it had vanished.

Mrs. Endmore grinned down at me. She was a new bus driver for the school this year, an old woman full of quips and jokes. “Right on time. Take a seat. I’m got more juvie delinquents to pick up!”

I ran a hand through my hair and resettled my backpack. “Yeah right. Whatever.” Of course, I’m the kid headed for the mental ward, not the juvenile court. And today isn’t anywhere near over. What the hell is happening to me?

I leaned my head against the window during the whole ride to school and listened to Paul and Twinkie’s daily debate about their samurai characters. Lately, all those two did was brag about whose samurai could kill who- or what -and whose katana had the biggest bonuses. It wasn’t like I could join in or anything. What can I say that’s cool? My ninja’s head got bitten off four times last night ‘cause my stupid mom wouldn’t leave me alone!

Angie was sitting across the aisle, talking American Idol with her friends. Her dark hair shone in the sunshine. Once or twice, I caught her looking at me. Maybe. At least once? I sighed. Given how today’s going, maybe it’s just as well that I’m invisible.

I tried to keep a low profile as me, Twinkie, and Paul left the bus and filed into the high school with the others. The driver had dropped us off well before first bell for once, and nobody was allowed to leave the lobby before 8:00. We took our usual place on the stairs to the auditorium, waiting to go to homeroom. I tried to look small, which really wasn’t that hard, and got mad at my friends all over again- especially Twinkie -for hitting their growth spurts first. I gotta say, though, it was convenient enough when Wrecking Ball came back hunting for easy targets this fall. The only reason he passed me over was that he didn’t like the three-on-one odds.

The crowd was thicker than usual today with lots of older, driving guys talking up last night’s dates in the corners.

“Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it, you homo?”

I couldn’t stop the shudders that voice sent right through me. Wrecking Ball trained me for a whole year with insults like that one…and I learned, oh, how I learned….and I don’t think I can ever forget…

My eyes tracked over to him of their own accord. Between Mrs. Endmore’s bad driving and Paul and Twinkie, I really hadn’t seen him much since the start of the new school year, not up close anyway.

Wrecking Ball looked just I remembered, and he stood less than fifteen feet away from me. He was still six feet of muscle, leather, and hate. Today, he shook a health book at the red-faced seventh grader he’d just been tormenting. The small boy’s ponytail twitched as he shook like a dog fearing another beating.

I felt my face turn red, and I closed my eyes to block out the now-spinning room. Memories kept coming back so fast and hard that I felt sick. It’s not me, not anymore. Paul and Twinkie are letting me hang out with them this year. It’s not happening to me anymore. Maybe they were kind of rough and sarcastic with me and each other, but it was worth any amount of trouble to keep my wall of protection against Wrecking Ball.

I’m really sorry, kid. I know how you feel. In a strange way, seeing the boy suffer, I felt like I was getting cornered by Wrecking Ball again, right here, right now. I felt his huge hands on my shoulders and heard him dare me to try to get him in trouble since nobody would care, especially not my parents. I covered my face with my hands, trying to hide from Wrecking Ball, his new victim, and the shame burning me alive inside out.

So you know what it’s like. Can there be a better reason to do something about it?

For the first time, the…thing…in my head spoke to me instead of giving off ideas and pushes. It felt….okay, which freaked me out like nothing else. “Hmm, maybe my ‘inner ninja’ is coming out or something?” I snickered, drawing Paul’s and Twinkie’s stares. I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy- this weird voice in my head is just trying to get me killed. I’m not crazy at all!

Do you always want to be afraid? Do you want that younger boy to end up like you?

I bowed my head. My hands shook. My whole body shook. I wanted to be sick. So, I stood up. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone for anything. Maybe I could take back something for myself, too.

The five steps between me, Wrecking Ball, and the seventh grader took vanished in an instant. “Hey, Wrecking Ball, since when did being smart enough to do your homework merit this crap?” I didn’t recognize the sound of my own voice. The words sounded distant and strangled like they belonged to someone else, but I knew they really had been mine. Wild excitement tingled through me, and everything slowed, just like when I’d been in the car during Mom’s horrible driving accident years ago. I really am the better man…for the last three seconds of my life….

Massive hands slammed into my shoulders. My world flew backwards, dragging my feet across the floor…until something slammed into my back. Air rushed from me, and something hard behind me sagged. I felt a strong hand grab my collar and lift me right off of the floor. Wrecking Ball’s shaved head, complete with nose and lip rings, filled my field of vision. The senior’s face twisted into a sneer.

“Didn’t have enough last year, did you, geek? Didn’t learn to stay safe behind your mommy and your monitor?” He grinned up at me. “The real world hurts! I think it’s time I showed you just how much!”

Three flashes of pain blasted through my nose. Everything went black and fiery red. I bit my lips until they bled as my whole face throbbed with my heartbeat, little secondary explosions bursting behind my eyes. No matter what, I’m not gonna blubber like a baby in front of him! I will not! “Yes…it….does….you…bastard!”

“Down, Marcus!” “Put him down!”

Everything spun, but I did see Mr. Fergus rip Wrecking Ball right off me. I slumped to the ground. Through my streaming eyes, I watched old Fergus twist one of Wrecking Ball’s hands behind his back in what had to be some kind of martial arts move.

“Oh, God, Jason, your face….are you alright?”

It was Angie. She had somehow squirmed around the edges of the ‘fight’ and jumped in now that it was clear. Her face was a welcome dream in a world swirling around the edges. I wondered if I was still asleep in my bed.

“And to think I didn’t like Fergus…?” My voice sounded thick in my own ears.

Hours later, when my family and I got back from the hospital, I had a dozen voicemails. Everyone had found a cell during the day. Thomas, the boy I’d tried to protect, rambled over and over about how grateful he was for my help. I couldn’t believe it, but my parents didn’t seem surprised at all. Something about people appreciating heroes. I talked with Mom and Dad a lot that day at the hospital and then at the police station. Mr. Fergus had turned Wrecking Ball over to the cops on assault charges and started the expulsion process.

I felt really weird, going up the steps to hang out on my computer for an hour or two before bed. Leaning my forehead - carefully - against my Episode Two Anakin poster, I decided… things were really good. Pain drugs made things drift and spin kinda funny, but I knew my parents were really proud of me. They had said so to my face! I felt…really grownup and it was a fine thing. They just wanted me to talk to them before my life got to the exploding point again like it had today. Last week I would’ve said they were meddling, but, somehow, that was okay today.

“No, my son is not taking any calls tonight for any reason, Mr. Edmudmud or whatever your name is. He’s had an extremely difficult day. Goodbye!” Mom slammed the phone so hard I heard it from the next room.

The sound snapped me back to reality. I wandered over to my computer and sat down. The little preview pane popped open in the corner and started revolving through my new emails.

The name at the bottom of one of those previews made my jaw drop. Angie sent me an email? She took the time to find out my email address? I fumbled for the mouse, dropping it off the desk once in my excitement.

[I’d never seen anything braver, you standing up to Wrecking Ball. You’re always talking to Paul and Twinkie about Ninja Journey. I’ve been afraid you guys would laugh at me if I told you I’m the kunoichi Suka. I’m usually in the RPG servers, not the Combat servers. Maybe we’ll meet in Installation sometime. ------Angie]

She wants to meet me online? I felt a wild thrill and sick all at once. Weirdo day straight out of the Twilight Zone or not, a girl I liked was noticing me and it turned out she played Ninja Journey?

I took a double-glance. “Kunoichi? Is that a kind of ninja? Oh well, I guess I’ll find out soon enough.” Ninja Journey’s always been my game ‘cause the combat is cool and everybody plays it, not ‘cause I’m a Japanese history or culture freak.

[Yeah, that would be great. I’m getting real tired of the hack-n-slash on the combat servers. The RPG servers should be a good change. Maybe I’ll catch you later---Jason]

I read my response a dozen times. My face, for once, didn’t hurt at all. Yeah, that sounds good. Not too desperate.

This really has been a great day after all. Don’t know what the deal was with that weird voice, but it was right!

I double-clicked on the Ninja Journey icon on my desktop. Several minutes later, after confirming she wasn’t anywhere in Installation right now, my character ended up in the Sending chamber. Scrolling down a long list of scenarios on the RPG servers, I settled on the ‘Training’ ones and picked a scenario at random. “Maybe this won’t be too lame. Angie likes it. And, who knows, maybe you can meet up with people inside one of these scenarios, too? I should never have listened to that gnome guy online with his ‘Magic Shuriken’ cheat in the first place.”

“I know it’s been a long day, Jason, but you are going to need to catch up on your schoolwork.”

I was impressed. Mom was being a lot nicer about the nagging than usual. I cracked my door, thrilled all over again that I finally had permission to close it if I wanted, but kept my voice down. “Yeah, Mom, I promise. I will study tonight.”

She smiled. “Okay, it’s a promise, then.”

…Yeah, I’m studying ninja training scenarios, how to level up, how to hook up with Angie…but I will make time for physical science…later….

I hesitated for just a moment before hitting ‘start’ on the training scenario I’d picked. That voice was crazy, but I wish I could tell it or him or whatever…thank you…

Mr Baatard
02-02-2007, 07:17 AM
I'm putting a crit together. Stay tuned!

zerobytes
02-19-2007, 07:08 PM
Alright Ennubi,

Here's some comments from my first read. I really like where you're going here - your character kinda reminds me of Max from the old Goof Troop cartoon. Not sure if that's good or bad, but I really enjoyed the read. Keep it up and I'll be excited to read the rest. Cheers,

zb.

Fun device at the beginning but the opening paragraph is a little too much too quick. We'll need a little better description so that we aren't scratching our heads wondering what's going on. I got the end switch from the game to real life and thought...oh...it's a game (liked that part) but I still had no idea what I had just read in the first paragraph.

Also, switching back and forth between thoughts...it's okay, but a bit muddy here. I know the italics differntiate but there's too much flowing between the two.


Wrecking Ball came after me every morning before school started for a whole year. You never listen to me about the small stuff. Why would you have listened to something that big? What was the wrecking ball? Um...not quite sure what's going on here.




“Well, um, thanks?” I scratched my head with the stylus, peering down at the little glyph-covered box in my hand. A long time ago, my father had told me gnomes and their crazy inventions were much like saltpeter and sparks: volatile and completely unstable. “It’s a great,…whatchma…thank you gift!!”
What the...where did Jason go? Are we in the game now?? This transition is too abrupt.


Back in the ninja wing of the Erichio Complex, I slipped off my sandals and waved my hand over my door to break the protective spirit-seal I’d laid before leaving. The yowling of my next door neighbor’s cats was almost a welcome nuisance, given it wasn’t the whining of seventeen thirteen year olds day in and night out. I love this paragraph! "Yowling" is perfect! Careful with the 17 13-year-olds (yes you need hyphens in there). You might think about bumping 17 out of the teens so you don't have a teen teens in your paragraph.


Thoughts of Cerinni flashed into my mind. Beautiful and talented you are, my lady kunouchi, but you aren’t quiet by any stretch of the imagination! you're introducing a lot of throw away characters and names. I'm not sure which ones I need to remember.


I yawned. I’d had the oddest dream last night of getting my head bitten off by a dragon over and over again while a baby wailed somewhere out of sight. Perhaps trying to keep my class in line provoked the strange dreams. I’d never been more tempted to just give up on the lot of them and go home. you might want to think about moving this to the beginning of the transition to the VW. It's here that I started realizing that we were now Jason's character.


I took a lazy moment to watch my vegetable ramen start to boil on the hot plate. Even after a year of being assigned to Erichio, instead of scout duty in the surrounding lands, this minor miracle never ceased to impress me. Taking it off, I stirred it with my chopsticks and grabbed a cup of tea I’d set to steeping. This is fun. A nice moment of realism.


whatever the Netherworlds ‘it’ was. nice exploration into virtual slang.


Whipping out the stylus, I struck [New Character].
I'm not familiar with this world but it seems like there a lot of really high tech stuff mixed with some kind of fantasy - it's a bit confusing. I am starting to get the idea here that the ninja is going to play the real life character just like the real life character plays the ninja...but I'll have to keep reading to see.


One diaper change and three kiddie mobile tunes later, I looked down at my sleeping baby sister. I couldn’t remember I’d just watched her. Usually she was too busy screaming her head off to make the idea attractive. Hmm, that whole pink thing is kinda cute…when she isn’t trying to break my eardrums. So this is what Mom does every morning and night? fun descriptions here. Having dealt with many babies I relate well to this experience.


“You’re always welcome to join me, if you want to.” who says this line?


Outside, I ran down the street, backpack bouncing against my spine. The eternal sooty-yellow bus was just pulling up to my stop in a plume of exhaust. Some weird red four-door was parked along my path to the bus stop. A tiny old guy who looked like Santa Claus in miniature waved me over as I sprinted past him. I would’ve laughed if I’d had any air left. The CNN broadcast about Columbine flashed back to mind. In a world where stuff like that happens, what kid is gonna be stupid enough to talk to a strange man in his car? That guy’s either sick or just downright stupid. another good paragraph. I like the bouncing backpack image. Also the color of the bus. Great image. Again, I had to double take the italic thoughts.


Mrs. Endmore You might want to consider a more common name, I immediately thought of Erichio, unless you fold her into the VW later.


And today isn’t anywhere near over. What the hell is happening to me?
Nothing indicates earlier that strange things are happening...besides the car I guess. But what makes the main character think that now?

I like the detail on the bus. The bonuses for the swords and the American Idol chatter are great!


The five steps between me, Wrecking Ball, and the seventh grader took vanished in an instant. reword this sentence.

If Jason is becoming a ninja at all then I like that he still gets the crap kicked out of him. However, I wouldn't mind seeing a little more than words this time (we got that when he offered to change the diaper). Perhaps a suprising move, not the whole fight cuz he's got to go down. But just an instant that he realizes there's more than just chivalry in him.


She had somehow squirmed around the edges of the ‘fight’ and jumped in now that it was clear. Her face was a welcome dream in a world swirling around the edges. I wondered if I was still asleep in my bed.
I like this a lot as well. Great description here. Does Jason black out though? We don't really find out.


[I’d never seen anything braver, you standing up to Wrecking Ball. You’re always talking to Paul and Twinkie about Ninja Journey. I’ve been afraid you guys would laugh at me if I told you I’m the kunoichi Suka. I’m usually in the RPG servers, not the Combat servers. Maybe we’ll meet in Installation sometime. ------Angie]
You just lost me. The dream babe that kicks butt in an RPG...hm...a difficult beast to tackle in writing. My guess is that eventually she'll play a big role in both worlds which is fine. I wouldn't make here the dream babe tho. Perhaps a quiet girl in the corner whose beauty is never seen until Jason finds her in both worlds. Perfect example, I used to play online games back in the day (oy-like doom and quake...yes the originals) and one day a girl jumped online. All of the guys on my floor went nuts until we realized is was one of the other guys on the floor messing with us. Ah, memories. But it's a hard one to believe swallow. Yes, hot girls do play video games but rarely are they the "closet" players. Anyway, my personal tastes would suggest that you change her character some, BUT I know there are plenty of guys out there who are playing some MMORPG in their house just wishing they could get the girl of their dreams somehow with their video game prowess so it might be well recieved by others. Your choice.


Ninja Journey’s always been my game ‘cause the combat is cool and everybody plays it, not ‘cause I’m a Japanese history or culture freak. Nice plug here but don't let your love for your game cloud your writing.



This really has been a great day after all. Don’t know what the deal was with that weird voice, but it was right!
I love it.

Ennubi
02-19-2007, 10:37 PM
<blink-blink>

wow. i'd just about given up on anybody reading here. very cool. i'll definitely keep an eye out for yours. i really appreciate your effort here....this is very detailed.

i'm glad you enjoyed the story. sorry some of it was kinda murky for you. i'll go back through and try to smooth out some of the rougher areas where the transitions aren't clear...i get so accustom to everything i forget how outsides might see it :(.

i got the idea you had a series of questions....so i'll do my best to enable the help files for you. if you have any ideas how to clarify stuff based on these answers, please, suggest away. i'd love it.

--Wrecking Ball is the local senior bully from the high school. He's big, bald, and nasty---like a wrecking ball

--transition to Rejes: hmm, i'm either going to need to drop the word 'ninja' or the new name...i had hoped the stars would've indicated a new pov speaker. maybe i'll give edmudmud another dialogue line...i don't want to overemphasis the dream sequence idea because it might suggest Rejes' world has less validity- they are real and equal.

--Cerinni? actually, she's not a throw away character. rejes interacts with her most chapters. even the roommate comes back in chapter 5 to save rejes' butt. would you suggest fewer names?

--<evil chuckle> would you believe i have an ulterior motive for the hot plate? later on the electricity in this village will become an important weapon. needed to justify its existence early.

--world: actually, i'm trying something a little funky on the world building. some readers will latch onto naruto so i'm fighting hook-tooth-and-nail to avoid copying. it's a world where the human spirit has magic in it but some basic science has not been forgotten. think post-apolyptic china were some techno survived and mediation has revealed power in the human spirit. erichio has electricity, but other cities have metallurgy or medicine or selective breeding programs.

--the mystery line 'you're welcome to join me' was spoken by Jason's dad. i've added a line to make this clearer- there's an oopsie.

--um, what's a WV? i'd forgotten the endmore and erichio sound alike....i'll have to find another name.

--actually, jason's already had 2 freaky experiences before the bus-rejes made him go take care of his sister and watch cnn with his dad. the car is the 3rd freaky deal. the bus is his first 'free' moment to really catch his breath and think.

--yeah, what's actually happening is that rejes is playing an rpg game with jason. there's no combat interface for rejes to use on him. it's the same deal when jason plays rejes for the 2nd time. there's a combat server and an rpg server. i had to draw a line cause otherwise i'd have to explain loads of dead characters and i so didn't wanna go there. rejes convinced jason to find his courage and face him down....the physical details are the boy's own problem. heroics do have a price, after all. i can see the magic and attraction of having the boy do some damage first though....i guess i've seen too many first night fencers face off versus vets to be a big believer in lucky shots.

--lolol....your comments about angie are hillarious! man, i had no idea boys had such a thing about the dream babe gamer. actually, i am a woman gamer, though no online rpgs....and i corrupted my husband into tabletop rpgs too :). jason sees angie as strong and beautiful....she is my first narrator in chapter 2 when she shows she's a very unconfident girl with nasty home problems. she is starting to admire him because he just demonstrated the courage she doesn't believe she's capable of (gradually, she'll learn better). she's also an exclusive rpg player- she barely knows the combat commands :). that also comes out in chp 2.

--i'm afraid i just don't follow your 2nd to last comment....jason plays ninja journey cause he likes combat and being trendy....angie plays because she loves the stories and she's too cowardly for combat. later on, angie shows she knows japanese culture and jason proves he's a twit :)

all and all, love the comments and really glad for the feedback. i hope you enjoy the background on some of the story. i'll definitely need to work on transitions more- it seems to be a running theme problem for me.

just let me know when you post and i'll be glad to return the favor

ennubi

zerobytes
02-22-2007, 11:30 AM
HAHA - the fact that you are a female tabletop RPGer makes that whole review worth it. That's awesome! I must of lol'ed for a full minute. Funny enough, I was explaining the story to my wife the day after I read it and she didn't even skip a beat when I got to the part about Angie being a gamer. I was like - "doesn't that seem odd to you?" and she answered, "I guess I was just enjoying the story, maybe you're being a little too critical." So perhaps I stand corrected, but I still think the dream babe video gamer is a forlorn dream. *humph" :D

K - just a few thoughts here.
The wrecking ball reference makes sense later, it was just a little unclear when I came across it at the very beginning. Also, you might want to give that description (the one you gave in your response) in the story - I LOVE that he's a bald guy who swings around like a wrecking ball lol. Perfect name!

I think the transitions are a little jerky because of the continual use of the first person in both worlds. I started into the next world and at the first reference or two to "I" I assumed was Jason. When I realized it wasn't I had to go back and put a differenct character into those pronouns. Just a thought.

Oh, the CNN didn't really stick out for me. I wasn't sure if Jason actually sat down to watch CNN with his dad (for longer than just hearing a few things on the TV while checking his email.) I guess It wasn't punched out enough how bizarre this really was so I didn't pick up anything strange about it. That does make sense with the 3 things happening tho.

On a second read, I think the names should be fine. I'd just warn about bringing in too many that we don't know all at once.

Sorry, VW means Virtual World.


(sorry these are totally out of order). Um...for Jason doing something special besides just getting pummeled...I see your point about the first timer against the vet. I guess I'm too inundates with scenes like the one where Peter Parker takes down the school bully for the first time in Spiderman 1. I DEFINITELY don't think it should go to that extreme, the suggestion was more of a "Jason's doesn't know why but all of the sudden he punches back" kinda thing. Perhaps he scores one hit (knocking down half a Hit Point from wrecking ball) before the big WB clobbers Jason down to 1 HP. No real need to change it tho.

I'm glad I got the explanation on my second to last comment. It's good to hear that Angie will make him look like a twit later on because of his lack of Japanese history prowess.

Finally, I think the world you're creating is a great idea! (and the story idea ain't half bad either!) I really enjoyed it. Hope this helps,

zb

Ennubi
02-22-2007, 11:27 PM
thank you. it's been a delight to get outside perspective and especially one who appreciates gaming :).

you know, the wierdest thing....i went through to make my decisions about that stuff you mentioned....and i ended up going with almost all of it. i can't remember the last time i've done that :).

i have a quick clarify for wrecking ball

yeah, i like the first person and it has a severe price. i'll likely have to redo a LOT of transitions in the future

...i went back and actually got bonus points because i want to rewrite rejes a bit and make him sound more...ninja, if you know what i mean? edmudmud presents a 'token of appreciation to a fine ninja' before i use the first 'i,' and i think it flies a lot better. two for the price of one.

looked at cnn again...yeah, i knew it was compelled, but i never really said it. go figure.

i did go back and give jason a stray kick versus wb....i think it's going to work. i attributed it to unknown, but jason is glad he did it cause it felt good. i like the added tension....i just hope it's realistic for a male- somehow, i never fist fought in high school.

your reaction to my being a girl-gamer was hillarious :). i haven't made sense to males for years. that's where i got the title from...this one's all about the role playing games we play on computers, on tables, and with each other.

wait til jason talk about the pointed stick things and angie talks about kunai :).

glad you enjoyed it- this has been a lot of fun for me to work on. i'm living out in chapter 7 now and i think i'll actually finish this one.

please let me know when you post, zero, and i'll be delighted to return the favor

ennubi