Important Rules of Writing!

[Crazy Ivan]

Here are several very important but often forgotten rules of English:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren't necessary.

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. Profanity sucks.

15. Be more or less specific.

16. Understatement is always best.

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

23. Who needs rhetorical questions?

24. While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must nevertheless keep incessant surveillance against such loquacious, effusive, voluble verbosity that the calculated objective of communication becomes ensconced in obscurity.

25. In a sentence, the nouns has to match the verbs.

26. Don't use no double negatives.

27. In writing, few things are, so to speak, more infuriating, than, say, commas, at least when there are too many of them, or when they should be, say, semicolons.

28. Proofread your work, so you don't leave some out or forget to finish

29. Run-on sentences are really bad because the reader saturates and what you really should be doing is using commas and semicolons and even periods to break the sentence up into more digestible chunks.

30. To have been using excessively complex verb constructions, is to have been bopping the literary baloney.

31. A friend I spoken with recently told me he been forgetting his helper verbs.

[Cogito]

Chuckle. This is priceless! Thanks, Ivan

[EyezForYou]

Rules are meant to be broken, kid. :cool:

[EyezForYou]

Here are better rules, quoted from a different writer's board. Her name is Katrina on OneOfUs:


"Okay, glad to be of help, but you need to get things right before submitting to agents, because they can be ruthless, and if something isn't presented or written correctly, they will just throw it on the slush pile.

So make sure you are consistent in your tense - past for everything except the synopsis.

Here are some great editing tips -

George Orwell's rules – contained in his Politics and the English Language (1946) – are a good starting point:

1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech that you are used to seeing in print.
2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.
3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.
5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
Common mistakes – which an experienced copy-editor will be able to deal with efficiently – include:

1. The overuse of exclamation marks and emphasis, in italic, bold or capitals
2. Very long sentences with little punctuation
3. Very long paragraphs
4. Changing between the first and the third person for no good reason.

At all costs avoid the sag into the ghastly 'ever since she was a child and her parents had moved house... try to avoid any backstory or background stuff unless absolutely necessary. With each chapter, focus on one event/point of that chapter and get on with it without distractions. No the character going to a friends for coffee etc, unless it is vital to the events happening in that chapter.

CUT MERCILESSLY

No, seriously. Do it. Don't mess around. If you see words, sentences, paragraphs, even whole chapters that detract from the flow of the story, excise or reshape them immediately. The worst disservice you can possibly do to your book is keep in this dead weight. Chop that passive voice — cut it off at the knees, make it squirm in a puddle of its own blood. It has no place in your book. Nor anyone else's. Its lack of immediacy drops the reader right out of the story. If you have a character walking down the street, do not say, "He began to walk down the street," just say, "He walked down the street." You don't begin to walk, you just walk — unless the action gets interrupted, in which case "began to" actually works; i.e., "He began to walk down the street when something in his peripheral vision distracted him." That's fine. Apply this to every action — walking, running, sitting up, leaning over, jumping around in pain after being kneed in the groin, whatever. Make your characters just do these things, rather than corrupting the image in readers' heads and cluttering up the flow with passivity.

SHOW DON'T TELL

Yes, it's the most repeated axiom in writing, I know. You know why? Because it's true. Bring the reader through the action you describe, don't just tell us about something interesting that happened to your characters in an after-the-fact fashion. Showing us rather than telling us creates immediacy and involvement. So instead of telling us that Joe Blow Character is now a sensitive, loving father who has, unfortunately, had a life of hell and torment and used to routinely wish he'd never been born, show us Joe's sensitivity by taking us through an episode in his life in which this is demonstrated. Show us through dialogue between characters — and as an integral part of the novel's story, not just an anecdote — proof that he's a loving father. Include a scene with his kid in which he demonstrates this through his actions. Include scenes that, in and of themselves, convey to the reader that poor Joe has had a terrible, miserable life, making us understand why he wished he were dead. Telling us that your characters have these important character traits is simply not enough, and it's not the least bit engaging, which leads to reader apathy and, before you know it, loss of interest to the point that we won't care what happens to your characters, because we haven't really come to know them.

[EyezForYou]

Continued:


REALISTIC DIALOGUE

Sure, sounds easy, but it's not. As you're going through, look very closely at your characters' dialogue, their interactions. Is the way they're speaking natural for the kind of person they are? Do you have large paragraphs of information (aka, the dreaded "info dump") spouting out of their mouths? This goes back to showing, not telling: Just because you're perpetrating the info dump in dialogue rather than the narrative doesn't make it any better. It's still a large, cumbersome chunk of information that should be revealed through character interaction and natural story arc, not in one giant chunk because you're feeling lazy. Do the extra work to reveal your plot naturally, as if it were happening in real life. Make sure your characters don't know more than they should, and aren't repeating crap that a) the reader should already have gleaned from your narrative, or the person the character is talking to already knows. These are big stumbling blocks for the reader, and you run the risk of insulting their intelligence, which is never a good thing. Don't feel you have to drive home your novel's main points in every scene, and don't underestimate your readers' comprehension abilities.
Well, there are three things, anyway, that should help you through the editorial labyrinth that awaits.

Does every character's actions and thoughts have a realistic motivation?

Does every piece of dialogue sound like real people talking?

Does every scene, even the shortest, have a reason for being there?

Does every character have a clear personality, i.e. do they sound different, or would you not know who was talking without the 'Jane said' and 'Susan said'?

You have to keep asking these questions through each read-through and rewrite, as changes you make will keep them pertinent. While you are asking yourself these questions, also do these:

Remove all eating and drinking, or even references to a meal, unless something really important hangs on it, e.g. a boy inadvertently reveals that he is starving by the careful way he searches for crumbs.

Remove all narrator's 'voice over', the author acting as God or the grown-up John-Boy voice commenting on the action, e.g. 'She was a girl half-grown into womanhood, and yet somehow she seemed to have the wisdom of Eve in her eyes.'
Remove all interior monologue, e.g. 'He knew it was time to go, but why should he have to be the one? Hadn't he sacrificed enough? Hadn't his heart bled enough for this family?'
Remove all transitions, e.g. 'They settled down for a long night's sleep and rose refreshed the next morning' or 'Later that year, when the maple leaves finally spattered the ground with their scarlet farewells, he returned to the farm.' If you need to add some transitions back in, add them, but try the story without them first to test whether they are part of the vigorous, healthy story, or deadwood.

Remove all description, unless it is vital to the plot. Description should assist the action or reveal character or a change in character, e.g. 'The granite column's carved words read 'worship Baal or die'. It was alone, the only upright in an undulating desert of half-buried stones and ancient temple steps awash with sand.'
Remove all repetitive adjectives', as in 'dark night', 'white snow', 'yellow daffodils'. The only adjectives remaining should be those which are essential: 'blood-black snow', an 'ivory lake', but only if the snow is the scene of a battle or the lake is passed by a girl running away from home on a moon-lit night.
Remove all brand names, e.g. 'He strapped on his Rolex and fastened the collar-pin of his Brooks Brothers shirt before stepping into his Porsche.' These are not substitutes for characterisation, insight or irony.

Remove all waste words (e.g. about, after, all, along, and, away, before, down, even, ever, in, just, little, now, only, out, over, really, so, some, sort, such, there, up, very) and see if any need to be added back in. You'll be surprised how few do. Change ‘ing’ words or rephrase them – the sun was rising, could be changed to the sun rose.

Avoid dialogue tags like – he complained, she moaned, they teased. Apparently it looks amateurish and editors don’t like them. You can occasionally use whispered/shouted to show the tone. He said, Emily said is fine, as they are more or less invisible. You don’t need tags if it is obvious who it talking. You can also use actions instead - "Hi." She put down her book and turned around. "What are you doing here?"

Good writing streams from beginning to end without reminding readers of your construction. But both beginners and seasoned writers sometimes sabotage that flow when they allow in a writer's nemesis—The

Viewpoint Intruder.

When you constantly reinsert the point-of-view character into the narrative, you make readers feel as if they keep going back to "Start." Read the following two examples of the same scene to see what I mean:

Sally sits at a table in the restaurant, hoping her boyfriend, Jeremy, won't be late again. She notices the waiter looks tired. She turns to see a pair of Japanese men talking quietly in a booth near the corner. She watches as a baby in a high chair flings a spoonful of rice onto the carpet and sees the waiter sigh.

Take a look at this version:

Sally sits at a table in the restaurant, hoping her boyfriend, Jeremy, won't be late again. The waiter looks tired. A pair of Japanese men talk quietly in a booth near the corner. A baby in a high chair flings a spoonful of rice onto the carpet, and the waiter sighs.

When you allow viewpoint intrusion—letting Sally see the waiter and notice the baby—you haven't moved the reader into the story; you've diverted the narrative and shown the reader that someone is writing. Remember, it's understood that once you're in a character's viewpoint, you stay there until the end of the scene, and there's no need to place her in every sentence. With that in mind, here's how to find and eliminate The Viewpoint Intruder.

TAKING NOTICE

The word that opens the door to viewpoint intrusion most often is "noticed." Recently I read a student manuscript that said:

The others were laughing and talking as they sat down at the table. As Kirk reached across the table for the bread, he noticed his hands. His fingers were long and brown, and he noticed how the light gleamed on his wedding ring.

The writer has inserted not one, but two intrusive "notices." He noticed his hands and noticed the gleam on his wedding ring. Was that the first time in his life Kirk realized he had hands? The scene would be smoother if she wrote it more like this:

Kirk reached across the table for the bread. His fingers were long and brown, and light gleamed on his wedding ring.

The Viewpoint Intruder doesn't attack only fiction. Here's another example, this one from an essay:

I looked over at Jenny propped up on the hospital bed. I could see her bright smile, but I knew she was in pain.
"I looked" and "I could see" are both unnecessary intrusions (and we might even include "I knew"). The point-of-view character had been in the hospital room for some time, thinking about Jenny's circumstances. So all she needed was, "Jenny was propped up in the bed. She was smiling, but I knew she was in pain." Or even, "Jenny was propped up in the bed, smiling in spite of her pain."

SENSORY OVERLOAD

When you write about sensory impressions, the Intruder might try to take over the text. Look at this example:

Rob opened the door. He could smell fried chicken and onions, and he heard the butter crackling in the skillet. His mouth watered from hunger.

Rob's senses are great in the narrative, but you can use them better by implying, not reminding us of, his presence until you need it: Rob opened the door. The aroma of fried chicken crackling in the skillet with onion slices made his mouth water.
This way you begin and end with Rob, but you take him out of the description.

[EyezForYou]

MEMORY LANE

When writers allow their characters to remember the past, Viewpoint Intruders can run rampant. To catch them, be on the lookout for adverbial phrases. For example: "As I stopped in front of the old house, my mind reeled back to how hard it rained the day Jim shot me." That passage would be stronger as, "I stopped in front of the old house. Rain had fallen in torrents on the day Jim shot me." This passage has more zip and we don't notice the author creeping around in the bushes near the old house.

Avoid the phrase "I remember" whenever possible:

I remember that when I was five, I used to hide from my father in the linen closet. I crawled under an old lavender quilt on the floor, and I could hear his angry footsteps.

This passage has some good elements in it. But if you take out "I remember," you have a stronger scene:

When I was five, I used to hide under an old lavender quilt in the linen closet, listening to my father's angry footsteps.We don't have to see inside her head with every move or sound.

IT DOESN'T STOP HERE

Don't assume you ever outgrow the tendency to intrude. The first draft of my 20th book, Beyond Words, was full of intrusions:

I took a break at a retreat in northern Idaho. I walked outside and sat on a log, where I watched a fat honeybee roving around a big blue pasqueflower. I could see her tasting its petals, and I heard
her buzzing around the opening. As I watched, she drew back and literally hurled herself at the flower's center.

After recognizing the intrusions, I edited it down. The final copy read:

During an afternoon break at a retreat in northern Idaho, I sat on a log and watched a fat honeybee roving around a big blue pasqueflower. She tasted its petals, snuffled at the opening, and then drew back and hurled herself at the flower's center.

That second version uses stronger verbs, and I've also eliminated my first-person viewpoint intrusions.
You may continue to write with Viewpoint Intruders, but with practice, you'll be able to weed them out. Once the "notices" and "remembers" are gone, you—and readers—can focus on your story.

Was is a passive, lazy bum that hangs around your writings, eating all the snacks and drinking all the beer. It should be avoided as much as possible. Several agents hate the word so much, they will reject a manuscript outright if they see it overused in the first chapter.

Seek out and destroy every weak was you find, and replace it with a strong, active verb.

EXAMPLE:
He was proud and strong in the sunlight.

CLEANED UP:
He stood proud and strong in the sunlight.

EXAMPLE:
The room was cold and dark when Billy came back.

CLEANED UP:
Billy walked into a cold and dark room.

EXAMPLE:
Laughter was in her throat.

CLEANED UP:
She laughed.

EXAMPLE:
The door was slammed before she finished her sentence.

CLEANED UP:
He slammed the door before she finished her sentence.

As I've said many times before, use the active, not passive voice.

Good luck on using these true-and-tried methods.

[Crazy Ivan]

Um...
This was a joke topic.
*siiigh*

[Crazy Ivan]

Also, if you want more of this type of humor, try it out here:
Tina's Humor Archives (http://monster-island.org/tinashumor/words.html)

EDIT: Whoops, sorry for the DP. >.>

[Cogito]

Ivan,

It was a joke topic, but each caveat did illustrate a violation of the rule being touted in reverse.

Setting aside the humor aspect, both yours and Eyes' contributions point out some important guidelines of style.

My only issue with Eyes' portion is that the attribution of the quote is a bit vague. It acknowledges another source, but without enough information to be sure whether that source wrote it herself or lifted it from another source - a potential inadvertent plagiarism issue.

[Nadala]

Well joke or not, on the subject of writing rules a must have book on the rules of writing is make your words work by Gary Provost. It's a real writers bible

[Cogito]

I'm not familiar with that one. I use Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style" and "The Little, Brown Handbook" for the most part (US English).

The Penguin Guide to Punctuation appears to be a major reference for UK English usage. Anyone have other references, and for which English dialect are they primarily written?

[blubttrfl]

Rules are meant to be broken, kid. :cool:

i'll have to agree. many books we read break these rules like crazy and somehow, it works. so if the writer knows what they're doing, most of these rules can be broken without the reader even noticing because somehow, it just works...
now, for novice writers (like me :p) we have to stick to the rules, which i can never bring myself to do hehehhe
(i read this list once before, but it was used for students writing research papers not for creative writing)

[Sturdy]

Letter to a Triple-Threat Grammarian by George Feinstein

Dear sir, you never past me in grammar because you was prejudice but I got this here athaletic scholarship anyway. Well, the other day I finely get to writing the rule's down so as I can always study it if they ever slip my mind.

1. Each pronoun with their antecedent.

2. Just between you and I, case is important.

3. Verbs has to agree with their subject.

4. Watch out for the irregular verbs which has crope into our language.

5. Don't use no double negatives.

6. A writer musn't shift your point of view.

7. When dangling, don't use participles.

8. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.

9. Don't write a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.

10. About sentence fragments.

11. In letter themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.

12. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.

13. Its important to use apostrophe's right.

14. Don't abbev.

15. In my opinion, I think that an author when he is writing shouldn't get into the habit of making use of too many unecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across.

16. Check to see if you any words out.

17. In the case of a business letter, check it in terms of jargon.

18. About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition - take, for instance, Abraham Lincoln.

19. As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.

20. Last but not the least, lay off cliches.

[trailer trash]

Contractions



Contractions are use most often in contemporary writing, and are purely a stylistic choice. Most purists shun there usage, and in business writing and some other types of correspondence contractions would not be appropriate at all. But, in the successful realm of the New Novelist of today contractions have become more widely accepted and can be found in almost every work of fiction.

For those of you who want to come abreast of the new times in contemporary composition I have listed bellow all the contractions you’ll need to know to get the job done.

are not - aren’t
has not - hasn’t
I am - I’m
can not - can’t
have not - haven’t
I had - I’d
could have - could’ve
he would - he’d
I have - I’ve
did not - didn’t
he will - he’ll
I will - I’ll
let us - let’s
she is - she’s
they are - they’re
might not - mightn’t
should not - shouldn’t
they have - they’ve
ought not - oughtn’t
there is - there’s
we will - we’ll
she would - she’d
they would - they’d
we have - we’ve
she will - she’ll
they will - they’ll
we are - we’re
were not - weren’t
you had - you’d
what is - what’s
you will - you’ll
who is - who’s
you are - you’re
would not - wouldn’t
he has - he’s
would have - would’ve
she has - she’s
you should - you’d
shall not - shan’t

Contractions can add a flavor of authenticity to certain stories that otherwise would be lost without their usage. You must achieve a balance, being consistent in their usage. And since stories can be written from a diversity of points-of-view, the choice to use contractions will depend more heavily on the characters than on the narrator. A story told from a more narrative style and consisting of very little dialogue can still make use of contractions.

Elmo

PS: As you can see if you've been watching I have had a hell of a time formating this post.
PPS: What is fiction that boarders on realism without profanity?

[Heather Louise]

Crazy Ivan, was it meant to be funny or serious?? If serious then most of those rules (or at least the ones I understood), I disagree with. I also think it unfair to make rules for writing as anything can work, it just depends on how it is done.

If it was meant to be funny then I don't get it. :p

[mammamaia]

it's actually the work of a guy named Victor L. Visco, just pasted here sans citation... and it's totally tongue-in-cheek, as each numbered item breaks its own rule... yes, it's sposta be funny... but maybe more 'silly' than funny?