Time
07-30-2007, 11:57 AM
I'll let you read it, and then ask the question.
“I want you, to act as God.”
The man spoke with complete confidence, and not one person would be able to sense any bit of humor within his voice. He had a deep, eerie sound when he spoke, and it made his listeners want to agree to his objective and get as far away from him as possible. After one meeting with this man, they wanted nothing to do with him, and never talked to or saw him again. He frightened them.
Robert knew this, and understood that he to did not want to meet with this client after their first conversation. His directions would remain clear within the individual’s mind, like a song that they had been listening to for hours on end. They need not meet again, as Robert’s wishes would be carried out, no matter the circumstance.
He had promised the man before him a large sum of money to accomplish this task, but after a couple of minutes of business talk, he refused to take the money. He had said something about respecting Robert, and that taking the money would disrespect him. Robert knew better, it was not the fact that he did not want the money, he was just terrified of what might happen to him if he did. Not that anything would happen; his clients just thought it so.
Simon. That was the name of the one before him. He was 27 years of age, had pale white skin, stood at 5’ 9”, and had very little to no build.
The perfect person to use in his little plan.
His victim would not be intimated by Simon, nor would he be physically attracted to him. In reality, Robert’s target resented the gay community. One of the many reasons Robert chose to ruin him.
Simon stood, his hand shaking as his feet were planted on the grey concrete floor below. His brown eyes surveyed the room for the twentieth time, terror present within them. His pearly white teeth grinded against each other as he looked around the room, noting exits he could use at any given time. Tight brown jeans hugged his body, and black sneakers pushed against his feet. His brown, leather jacket sat heavily upon his shoulders, and under that an army green shirt was present. Imprinted on the middle of the cloth lay a picture of Blodeuwedd, Goddess of Betrayal.
“Yo- You want me to pretend to be Go-Go-God?”
His voice shook like the wind shakes the branches during a storm. Back and forth it went, as if his voice were the branches, and Robert was the wind.
“Yes, I would like you to be God.” Robert’s lips formed into a smile as he spoke. “Would you like to know what you shall do while you are God?”
“Su-Sure I would.” His words came out quickly, like an antelope running in order to not become prey.
Now, as you can see, I have opened this at the spark that sets off the rest of the story. My question is, should I write for a page or two about Robert himself, allowing the reader to becoem associated with his character before I reveal the spark, or should I leave it be?
Also, please comment on the writing, I would like to see any mistakes I have made.
“I want you, to act as God.”
The man spoke with complete confidence, and not one person would be able to sense any bit of humor within his voice. He had a deep, eerie sound when he spoke, and it made his listeners want to agree to his objective and get as far away from him as possible. After one meeting with this man, they wanted nothing to do with him, and never talked to or saw him again. He frightened them.
Robert knew this, and understood that he to did not want to meet with this client after their first conversation. His directions would remain clear within the individual’s mind, like a song that they had been listening to for hours on end. They need not meet again, as Robert’s wishes would be carried out, no matter the circumstance.
He had promised the man before him a large sum of money to accomplish this task, but after a couple of minutes of business talk, he refused to take the money. He had said something about respecting Robert, and that taking the money would disrespect him. Robert knew better, it was not the fact that he did not want the money, he was just terrified of what might happen to him if he did. Not that anything would happen; his clients just thought it so.
Simon. That was the name of the one before him. He was 27 years of age, had pale white skin, stood at 5’ 9”, and had very little to no build.
The perfect person to use in his little plan.
His victim would not be intimated by Simon, nor would he be physically attracted to him. In reality, Robert’s target resented the gay community. One of the many reasons Robert chose to ruin him.
Simon stood, his hand shaking as his feet were planted on the grey concrete floor below. His brown eyes surveyed the room for the twentieth time, terror present within them. His pearly white teeth grinded against each other as he looked around the room, noting exits he could use at any given time. Tight brown jeans hugged his body, and black sneakers pushed against his feet. His brown, leather jacket sat heavily upon his shoulders, and under that an army green shirt was present. Imprinted on the middle of the cloth lay a picture of Blodeuwedd, Goddess of Betrayal.
“Yo- You want me to pretend to be Go-Go-God?”
His voice shook like the wind shakes the branches during a storm. Back and forth it went, as if his voice were the branches, and Robert was the wind.
“Yes, I would like you to be God.” Robert’s lips formed into a smile as he spoke. “Would you like to know what you shall do while you are God?”
“Su-Sure I would.” His words came out quickly, like an antelope running in order to not become prey.
Now, as you can see, I have opened this at the spark that sets off the rest of the story. My question is, should I write for a page or two about Robert himself, allowing the reader to becoem associated with his character before I reveal the spark, or should I leave it be?
Also, please comment on the writing, I would like to see any mistakes I have made.