You know how we are depressed sometimes, well let's have a joke thread!

If it's going to be controversial, preface it before you tell the joke and then highlight it in black.


First Joke:


Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 KG.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.



~Raven.

Two Irish brothers decide to start up their own pig farm. But the brothers only have enough to by to pigs.
So they go to the market and buy two pigs. When they get them back to their small farm they spend the day building a pig sty. The younger brother asks the older brother "how will we tell the difference between which pig is yours and which pig is mine." The older brother decided to cut the tail off his pig then says "my pig will be the one without a tail so we will know whos pig is whos." That night the pig without a tail chews off the other pigs tail.
In the morning the two Irish brothers come out to feed the pigs. The younger brother notices that they both have no tail. "How will we tell the difference no he asks."
The older brother thinks for a moment then decides to cut the ear of one of the pigs. "Ok my pig is the one with only one ear now we can tell which pig is mine and which pig is your."That night the other pigs chews off an ear off the pig with two ears.
The morning comes and the two Irish brothers come to feed the pigs "ok now look whats happened they both have one ear." Says the younger brother.
The older brother cuts the remaining ear of one of the pigs then says "My pig is the earless one and yours is the other."
The following night the pig with no ears chews the remaining ear of the other pig.
Come the morning the two Irish brothers come out again to feed the pigs. The younger brother says "Now look they both have no tail or ears how do we tell the difference now"
Well the older brother looks at both pigs and says "OK I'm sick of this we'll just say the pink pig is yours and the black pig is mine."



~Raven.

THE HUSBAND STORE


A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the Instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store
operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. ..
You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go
up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are
extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" She exclaims, "I
can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!









~Raven.

lol

Yo mamma's so poor she can't afford to pay attention.

Yo mamma's so fat when she jumps in the pool the water jumps out.

one day a women goes in to complain about a guy because he says that her hair smells nice. "What's wrong with that" said the officer. "He's a midget!!!!" she said.

lmao



The Bacon Tree

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.


"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"



"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."



"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.



"Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."



The leader goes back and tells his people what the old Jew said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they lie just for a joke."



So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Jew.



Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."



The old man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it. "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree...

(Are you ready?)
















"It vuz a ham bush."








~Raven.

During the cold war in the mid 50s, a mathematician and an RF engineer were recruited to man a radar surveillance station in Alaska. They were told that in addition to their pay they would get a rather special bonus. So after a month of strenuous duty in the Alaskan winter, they are led into the base gym where in the far corner stands Miss America 1956. Both the engineer and the mathematician immediately want to race across to her, but are held back by their commanding officer: "You guys are allowed to go to her, but each step you take must be exactly half as long as the previous one". The mathematician does a quick calculation in his head and announces: "I give up, I'll never be able to reach her!". The engineer, however, continues walking towards her, saying: "I might not exactly reach her, but I'll get close enough to do the job."

--------------------

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer : What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor : I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest : Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest : Hi George. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They are rather slow, aren't they?
George : Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.

The group was silent for a moment.
Priest : That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor : Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer : Why can't these guys play at night?




~Raven.

What's the diffrence between a good bassoon player and a Unicorn?
No diffrence, both are mythical creatures.

What's the diffrence between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist?
The snake had skid marks leading up to it.

Why are trombone players better lovers? Well, trumpet players do it with three fingers, baritone players do it with four fingers,
but trombonists do it with seven positions!

Why are violinists like S.C.U.D. Missiles?
Both are offensive and inaccurate!

Q: How many Sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, she'll stand on a piano, drink a diet coke and haver her accompanist do it.

How do you keep two oboe players in tune?
Shoot one of them.

Three Sax players are buried up to their necks in cement, what do you say?
Not enough cement!

When will the world end?
When we find a good drummer.


One morning a violin player calls up the symphony hall to find out when rehearsal is. When he gets connected the secretary says that the conductor died suddenly last night of a heart attack. The violinist hangs up.

Five minutes later the violinist calls up again and asks when the practice is, and again the secretary tells him that the conductor died of a heart attack in his sleep. The violinist hangs up again.

For the next 45 minutes the volinist keeps calling and asking when practice is and the secretary keeps giving the same response until finally she says: "I've told you 25 times that the conductor is dead, why do you keep calling?!"

And the violinist replies smoothly: "Because I just love hearing it."


As a group of accordion player take off on a plane a terrorist hijacks it and demands that they set down again immediately.

As the plane radio's in that they have a a hijacking and a hostage situation. The plane is given the OK to land and the police negotiators and S.W.A.T. are brought in to diffuse the situation.

The police move in to give the terrorists a phone so which they can communicate with. The terrorists soon call the police and give them their demands and request that they be met. The police however will not agree to this until they talk to some of the crew on board, the terrorists refuse and the situation continues.

Eventually the terrorists concede and tell the police they can talk to one of the passengers. The lead terrorist hands the phone to a passenger.
The police ask: "Who are you and what are you doing on the plane?"
The passenger replies: "My name's Doug and me and all the guys on this plane are headed to one of the worlds biggest accordion festivals in the world."

The police then ask Doug to hand the phone back to the terrorist. He does so and the terrorist asks the police what they want.
The police respond: "We'll give you $10, 000, 000 to make sure that those accordion players never get off that plane."




~Raven.

A plane is crossing the Atlantic when suddenly it experiences serious engine trouble. THe pilots do a quick calculation and determine they need three adult men to jump in order for the plane to make it to land. As the flight attendant makes her way back with the news she tries to round up volunteers. After a few minutes she finds three men, a British, a Frenchmen, and an American. So she proceed to pop the emergency hatch on the door and stands aside to let the men jump. The Brit goes over and yells"Long live the Queen!" and jumps out. The frenchman close behind screams out "Viva la France!!" and the American who was lingering behind exclaimed "Remember the Alamo!!" grabbed a Mexican and threw him out the hatch.

---------------------------------------------
What do you call a sunburnt frenchman and a moody german?

Dinner-French Toast and Sour Kraut




~Raven.

There were 4 scholars that are always having a discussion, and because out of favortism, three of the four scholars always gangs up on this one scholar. Stifling his voice and belittling his comment.

One day, they got into a very heated arguments, and the way the four thought were justl like before, the one lonely scholar on one side while the other three teamed up against him.

The lonely man, determined to be right prayed to God: "Lord, please show them that I am right, give me a sign!"

Suddenly, all the clouds in the sky gathered at one place, looming over their head.

"See! See! Look, I'm right! That's a sign!" said the lonely man.

But the other three scholars blew it off as a natural coincidence and is easily explainable as a natural cause.

The lonely man, stubborn as he is, continued to pray to God: "Lord, please show them that I am right, give me another sign!"

Suddenly a lightning flahed out of the clouds that gathered and struck the tree near by, splitting it in half.

"See! See! Look, I'm right! That's a sign!" said the lonely man.

The three scholars again blew him off, saying that that was only a coincidence.

The lonely man, knowing he is right, continued to pray to God: "Lord, convince them that I am right!"

Then a hole opened within the middle of the cloud and a beam of light poured onto the four scholars and in a booming majestic voice, the Lord said "Heee's Riiight!"

The leader of the group shrugged and said: "Now it's 2 to 3."

Headlines from the year 2029!

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to sunny Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. IQ raised to 27.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

A man decides to call home after a hard day's work at the office and dials the number on his Nokia N-90. Telephone rings.
Laura picks it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey my girl, how're you doing? Where's mommy?"
"She's in the bedroom. With uncle George."
short silcence.
"....Who's uncle George?.......Listen dear, you go into the bedroom and tell them that I'm driving up very soon into the garage."
"Allright daddy."
Shortly afterwards:
"Hey daddy!"
"Laura, what exactly happened?"
"I went in and saw mommy without clothes jumping on uncle Geoge, who was without clothes, too! I told them you were parking in the garage. Both of them leapt up and mommy leapt out of the bed, trying to put her clothes on, but slipped and fell off the window and is on the pavement now and doesn't move anymore. Uncle George tried to leap out of the window facing our swimming pool, but didn't know that you had drained it before you left this morning. He cracked his skull on the pool floor and also doesn't move anymore...."
Silence for a few sec.
"Swimming pool? Woops, wrong number!"

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

Why do woman never go on adventures?

Their afraid of getting caught in booby traps!!!


(My first ever joke, when I was 7 and had no sense of humour whatsoever)

Hmmm.

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LMAO. staying up past my bed time is worth it to check back on these older threads. HULL, you are so funny. I hope you post some more up now! You made me laugh really hard considering my energy is lacking and my eyes are goign all bleary!

LOL

Hey i forgot about this thread. i will have to do more jokes.

A man and a midget are driving along a strip of road.

One behind the other.

Suddenly the man stops and the midget crashes into him.

Furious the midget gets out of his car and walks over to the man.

The man winds down his window, ‘Yes?’ he says.

The midget grinds his teeth in anger before shouting, ‘LOOK I AM NOT HAPPY!’

The man, smiles and then replies

‘Then which one are you?’

# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

#

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

# Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

# # When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

# Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

# There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

# A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

# When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

# Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

# When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

who the hell is Chuck Norris?!

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! hahaa, that one had me in stitches, i love jokes about New Zealand. (stupid country, don't ask) :p

just a couple i've got anyways.


A woman, pregnant with triplets, is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother. "I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. "Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”


A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to London, with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to Brisbane." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The Captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to London." The Captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's Ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first-class section isn't going to London".


This little boy comes up to his father and says " Daddy, is God a man or a woman? Dad says "Both son, God is both" After a while the kid comes again and says "Daddy, is God black or white?" The dad says (after thinking for a while) "Both son, both." After a few minutes the kid comes back again and says "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"


On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah." The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."


A man walks into a drug store with his 9 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" The man matter of factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see" replied the boy pensively. "Yes I've heard of that in health class at school. He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday. "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the father replies, "These are for married men - one for January, one for February, one for March, ...."

# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

#

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

# Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

# Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

# # When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

# Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

# There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

# A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

# When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

# Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

# When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.


ROFLMAO. hahahhahahaaaa. I will have to remember those ones! hahahhahahhaaaaa!

Oh, Chuck Norris... blackbelt in a gazzillion types of martial arts, movie star and the star of Walker, Texas Ranger. Or something like that. :p

Love cable internet double-posts <3

Eh... Aussies. The state is TEXAS! Spell it right or Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick your dreams.

Hey, I knew I didn't spell it right. I never do! :p And Chuck Norris is my friend! So he wont hurt me. HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO FIGHT! mwahahhahaha.

But I went back and editted!

You forgot one of Chuck Norris' favourite lines.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, unfortunately he will never cry.

lmao. I love this thread!

A man and his wife were discussing "Living Wills" in their living room, having just watched a news article about them on TV.

The man pondered, with a troubled look on his face. "Just so you know, I never want to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and a bottle of fluids. I want you to promise that if that ever happens, you'll pull the plug."

Hiw wife looked at him and nodded. Then she stood up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all his beer.

hahhaha. Good one!

Wow this threads soon came back to life..

Excellent Jokes people very funny. ;)

I know. I was bored last night and was just looking back on the older threads and found this one. It was funny and I wanted to resurect it. I just got to look for jokes... hmm.. are blonde jokes allowed?

Confucious say - Man who eat meat and peas on same plate very unhygienic.

The only other one I can remember is too rude to put on here.

ROFL. That took me a bit to understand. Went right over my head.

An attractive blonde boarded a plane for a cross-country flight, and started to settle in to her window seat to nap for the trip. A well-dressed lawyer planted himself in the aisle seat beside her. Seeing the young lady next to him, he decided to try to interest her in a game to pass the time.

He suggested a game in which each of them would take turns posing a question for the other, and if the person couldn't answer, he or she would hand over five dollars to the asker.

The young lady replied that she really wasn't interested, and that what she really wanted was to catch up on some sleep.

The lawyer, disappointed, pulled out a magazine from the seat back in front of him and tried to amuse himself. An hour into the flight, he decided to try again. Confident in his vast store of knowledge, he said, "What if I make it more interesting? For every question you ask, if I can't answer it, I'll give you a hundred dollers, but if I ask a question you can't answer, I'll only take five dollars."

The woman thought about it, and decided she wasn't going to be able to sleep anyway, so she reluctantly agreed.

The lawyer started with an easy question, so as not to make her change her mind. "What is a state whose name begins with the letter 'W'?"

The woman wordlessly reached into her purse and handed him a five dollar bill, and tried to close her eyes again to ignore him. But he urged her to take her turn and ask him a question.

She thought for a moment. "What goes up a hill on three legs and comes down on four?" Then she closed her eyes and tried once more to fall asleep.

The lawyer thought and thought, but couldn't come up with an answer. He powered up his laptop and looked for an answer, but of course could not go to the Internet. Seeing his companion asleep beside him, he used the airphone to call a friend, and the friend searched on his behalf, but couldn't come up with an answer either. He asked his friend to continue looking, and he would call back in three hours. He wracked his brain, but still could not come up with an answer. So half an hour before the end of the flight, he checked back with his friend, who had also come up empty.

Being a man of his word, he woke the young lady, and admitted he couldn't answer her question, and handed her a crisp hundred dollar bill.

"Ok, but I really have to know. What What goes up a hill on three legs and comes down on four?"

The blonde handed him a five dollar bill, then went back to sleep.

lol, yea I've heard that one before but always makes me laugh. and i don't get that one Sayso, lol.

replace peas with pees Heather then you will get sayso's joke ;)

I keep getting Heather and Torona mixed up :p

I like Cogito's joke :p

replace peas with pees Heather then you will get sayso's joke oww, cool. thanks, lol :p
I keep getting Heather and Torona mixed up why?

You have similar avatars :p and i don't have my glasses with me so that makes it worse.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

Woman Joke Reading in Boat - Funny Clean Joke"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

lol i didnt do it lol i can see so many ppl doing that

I've heard that one before Bick and I absolutely love it. It's always good to see it again.

This sunday started off like every other one. The town was small and quaint, most being at the church on the hill. The service was going smooth as can be, when suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Aren't you afraid of me? Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep, " was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

hahhahahhaaaaaa

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR)
interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine
Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a
Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWR So, General Reinwald, what things
are you going to teach these young boys when they
visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them
climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit
irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be
properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a
terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be
teaching them proper rifle discipline before they
even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to
become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You got to love the Marines!

My favorite branch.

Hhahhahhahaaa! ROFLMAO

A comedian preforms at a homeless shelter.

He stands up upon the stage and directs the attention of the settling audience.

He smiles, he raises his microphone to his lips and says, "Ah, I'm so glad to see so many bums on seats"

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a U.S. Navy aircraft carrier (U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH--I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH--OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

hahahaa, that had me in stitched the last one :p

lol. i second that. :)

Lmfao love it :D

Genius :p

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were going to be in his movie.

"Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "So I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.

"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

And I'll be Hayden!

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Lmao love it :p

Bravo!!!
Encore! Encore!!!

Hehe, funny. There was something similar to that in the lounge a while back, but I don't think there were many of the same ones...

Yeha, it's funny. I think Gannon posted something similar but with countries.

Oh, I got a brilliant joke for you.... wanna hear it????


























MY DRIVING! HAHHAHAAAHAA! :(

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

Lol. That made me laugh :p

A man drives through a small town when is car dies. A horse walks up to him when he opens the hood and the horse says: "It's your carborator"

The man looks wide eyed at the horse and says: "Oh my GOD! A talking horse!"

The man runs to the nearest stor and says: "You guys won't believe this. I just found a talking horse."

"And what did that there horse say?" one of the people asked.

"Well... my car broke down and I swear to God it said that it was my Carborator."

And in response, the cashier yelled out: "Don't listen to that there horse. He aint got no sense once it comes to cars!"

lmao. good to see you back old friend. lol

Here's some political humor...

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both the teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Management Team" made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 persons steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.". The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Thank goodness this is just a story and this sort of thing doesn't happen in real life eh?

Here's some political humor...

Indeed. lol

If only that weren't so true.

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA all believe that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to create a test to find out who is actually best. He releases a rabbit into a forest and tells each of them to go catch it.

The CIA is first. The set out, placing animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

Next, the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

Lastly, the NYPD goes in. Two short hours later a badly beaten bear stumbles out of the forest. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I admit it, I'm a rabbit!”

hahaa, i like that. :D

Awesome thread!

Coupla jokes for your viewing pleasure...


Q.What is the difference between a blond and a washing machine?

A. A washing machine wont follow you around for a week after you put your load in it.


Q. What do women and KFC have in common?

A. After the breasts and thighs, all you're left with is a greasy box.



oh.... what has two legs and bleeds....

















COME ON..... YOU KNOW.....














half a dog.


CHeers

lol, that's nearly as bad as a deal baby joke.

Ie:

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari?

I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

lol!

oh... you want to hear some bad jokes....?

Hmm, dead baby jokes?

Ok, but I'll spoiler, because these can get - disturbing.

What's the difference between a truck full of watermelons and a truck full of dead babies?

You can't unload watermelons with a pitchfork.

lol. I've heard that one before, brilliant

Note: the next joke is dirty

What do you do when an elephant comes through your window?

Swim.

To get away from dead baby jokes (I think those are the most awful jokes ever.)

I'm putting these to jokes in spoilers because they are pretty bad. These are my 2 all-time favorites. They're both pretty long, too.

Joke #1 *contains sexual references*

Father and son are walking home when the son suddenly says, "Hey, dad, I bet I've screwed more women than you have." His dad says, "Oh yeah? Well, how about this: Every time we see a woman we've done, we'll do this." *snaps*

They're walking along and spot Mrs. Brown. Father says, "Hello, Mrs. Brown." *snaps* Son says, "Hi, Mrs. Brown," *snaps* "How's your daughter?" *snaps*

They spot Mrs. Jones. Father says, "Hello, Mrs. Jones." *snaps* Son says, "Hi, Mrs. Jones," *snaps* "How are your twins?" *snaps*

They spot Mrs. Anderson. Father says, "Hello Mrs. Anderson." *snaps* Son says, "Hi, Mrs. Anderson," *snaps* "How's your son?" *snaps*

Father looks at son and says, "Well, you've done quite a bit, havent you? But I bet I've touched someone you never will." He walks in the front door of his home and says, "Hi, honey." *snaps*

Son says, "Hi Mom," *snaps* "Where's sis?" *snaps* "Is she with Grandma?" *snaps*

HAHA!! I love it.

Joke #2 *contains profanity*

Man walks into an ice cream store and says, "I'd like 2 scoops of chocolate on a cake cone please."

The sever says, "I'm sorry sir, we're out of chocolate today."

Man says, "Oh, okay, just put 2 scoops of chocolate in a sugar cone, then."

Server says, "Sir, we're out of chocolate."

Man says, "Oh, oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Just one scoop of chocolate in a bowl then."

Server is getting frustrated. He says, speaking slowly, "Sir, can you spell the 'van' in 'vanilla'?"

"Yeah...V-A-N."

"Can you spell the 'straw' in 'strawberry'?"

"Yeah...S-T-R-A-W."

"Good. Can you spell the '****' in 'chocolate'?"

"Well, no...there aint no '****' in 'chocolate'."

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" sever exclaims. "There aint no ****in chocolate!"


HEHE!!

Love them. :p:p:p

Bad jokes read with caution
A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

What's red and sits in a corner? - A baby chewing on razor blades
What's blue and sits in a corner? - A baby with a plastic bag over its head
What's green and sits in a corner? - Either baby two weeks later

What's grosser than gross? - A barrel full of dead babies
What's grosser than that? - One the bottom is still alive
What's grosser than that? - It's eating its way to the top
What's grosser than that? - It goes back for seconds

best joke EVER
Two muffins are in an oven, and the first one turns to the other one and says " Hey dont you think it gets getting a little hot in here." With that the second one replys " Holy **** a talking muffin"

The jokes are beginning to push the envelope - let's draw a line here and step back from it, before things become too offensive.

And yes, the one I posted recently was questionable also.

Yeah, I was feeling a little ill when reading some of the jokes, I mean, dead babies? Not funny at all. This thread was started out for laughs but personally, the jokes are getting too.. (battling for correct wording here), obscene for my tastes. So I agree with Cogito.

~Doz

In other words, those with crude, black, cynical humour do not post in this thread.

I like dark humour but when it's about ded babies is when its a bit much in my opinion.


New Zealand joke:

Q: What's a Hindu?

A: Lays eggs! hahahaa

In other words, those with crude, black, cynical humour do not post in this thread.

Well, obviously I too have a dark, cynical side There are other sites that have looser standards, so we can post the really raw stuff on those sites.

I know you have humor that falls within the guidelines for this site as well - I've seen it. Just as the jokes I tell at work have to be dialed back from those I can tell at the pub down the street, the jokes posted here need to be appropriate for this setting.

Three men were hiking in the wilderness, and came upon a wide, swift river, which they needed to cross to reach their destination.

The first man kneeled, and bowed his head. "God, please grant me the strength to cross this river." Sure enough, his arms and legs grew powerful muscles, and he was able to swim across in just over an hour.

The second man smiled and kneeled as well. "God, please grant me the strength and the tools to cross this river." His arms and shoulders grew bulging muscles, and a canoe appeared. He crossed the river in half an hour.

The third man pondered, and finally he kneeled down as well. "God, please grant me the strength, tools, and intelligence to cross this river." After a moment, he transformed into a woman. She consulted the map that appeared next to her, walked upstream for 5 minutes, and crossed the footbridge there in another 5 minutes.

Now this is hilarious. :p

A woman who has a husband who suffers with Alzheimer’s is sat at home watching the news. On the news the camera is show a car going down the wrong lane on the motorway. She calls her husband on the car phone. “Be careful coming home dear there’s a car on the freeway going the wrong way.”

He then answers

“What do you mean one? There’s hundreds.”

lol, last two jokes were funny. and sorry to sound like a baby here but one of those nasty jokes made me well up. :'(

i got one for you.

an elderly married couple are sitting together in a nursing home when the man announces that he is leaving his wife for Enid, another woman. his wife asks,
"What does Enid do that i don't?" to which the man replies
"Enid holds my willy on a night." the wife looks puzzled for a minute.
"I hold our willy on a night though."
"Yea, but Enid has parkinsons."

i know, might be a little nasty but it had me in stitches. and i lovw Bickers muffin joke. :p

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
Add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation -


What can you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a half mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Lusk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

lol these jokes are hilarious. I have been in stitches reading these lol

thanks for the laughs.

Here it is.

Two Irish brothers decide to start up their own pig farm. But the brothers only have enough to by to pigs.
So they go to the market and buy two pigs. When they get them back to their small farm they spend the day building a pig sty. The younger brother asks the older brother "how will we tell the difference between which pig is yours and which pig is mine." The older brother decided to cut the tail off his pig then says "my pig will be the one without a tail so we will know whos pig is whos." That night the pig without a tail chews off the other pigs tail.
In the morning the two Irish brothers come out to feed the pigs. The younger brother notices that they both have no tail. "How will we tell the difference no he asks."
The older brother thinks for a moment then decides to cut the ear of one of the pigs. "Ok my pig is the one with only one ear now we can tell which pig is mine and which pig is your."That night the other pigs chews off an ear off the pig with two ears.
The morning comes and the two Irish brothers come to feed the pigs "ok now look whats happened they both have one ear." Says the younger brother.
The older brother cuts the remaining ear of one of the pigs then says "My pig is the earless one and yours is the other."
The following night the pig with no ears chews the remaining ear of the other pig.
Come the morning the two Irish brothers come out again to feed the pigs. The younger brother says "Now look they both have no tail or ears how do we tell the difference now"
Well the older brother looks at both pigs and says "OK I'm sick of this we'll just say the pink pig is yours and the black pig is mine."

My favourite joke...

Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike?

A: Because somebody threw a fridge at him.

ok. :confused:

lol.....nice one, GW :p

Anyway. Swiftly moving on. :p

I don't suppose you'd be surprised to learn that those last three reactions are quite common to my sense of humour? :)

Is this better?

Descartes goes into a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. He sits for a while, drinking his coffee and reading the paper.

A little while later, the waitress comes by and asks him if he would like another cup. He says "I think not" and disappears.

lol, I liked the previous one better

Hehe... Me too, but I'm trying to assimilate here, lol.

lol, I like all those insane jokes......

GW, I still prefer the first and am curious why you threw he fridge at him.

A man decides to call home after a hard day's work at the office and dials the number on his Nokia N-90. Telephone rings.
Laura picks it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey my girl, how're you doing? Where's mommy?"
"She's in the bedroom. With uncle George."
short silcence.
"....Who's uncle George?.......Listen dear, you go into the bedroom and tell them that I'm driving up very soon into the garage."
"Allright daddy."
Shortly afterwards:
"Hey daddy!"
"Laura, what exactly happened?"
"I went in and saw mommy without clothes jumping on uncle Geoge, who was without clothes, too! I told them you were parking in the garage. Both of them leapt up and mommy leapt out of the bed, trying to put her clothes on, but slipped and fell off the window and is on the pavement now and doesn't move anymore. Uncle George tried to leap out of the window facing our swimming pool, but didn't know that you had drained it before you left this morning. He cracked his skull on the pool floor and also doesn't move anymore...."
Silence for a few sec.
"Swimming pool? Woops, wrong number!"






.

lol, heard this one before.....

I'' have to do some newer ones.

I'm waiting........lol

Indeed you are..................:p

Haven't heard that joke before....lol......nice one :p

What do you call a cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!

(ROFLCOPTER)

No whey!

But it was rather Gouda.

I don't suppose you'd be surprised to learn that those last three reactions are quite common to my sense of humour? :)

Is this better?

Descartes goes into a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. He sits for a while, drinking his coffee and reading the paper.

A little while later, the waitress comes by and asks him if he would like another cup. He says "I think not" and disappears.

Yes, I rather liked this one :D

This was a smart idea :D A lot of good jokes on here. Made me smile.

No whey!

But it was rather Gouda.

Nah, I could've done fetta.

Cheeses! Wine, wine, wine...

I camembert!

That was Muensterously bad. You Bleu it.

Time to cut the cheese puns, I think.

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with
God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is
restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to
show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when
the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds"

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why?"


..
.
.
.





"Because you got an F in sex."

It's fun bursting into laughter when everyone is in a room around you and can't read what you're reading.

Loved that :p

^ Heh, that happens to me all the time. It's kinda weird when you're on a bus. :)

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the host led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock." the host replied.

A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup." replied the host.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch!" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you jerk ... it's ten past three in the morning!"

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

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Crash Course in Speaking Chinese
Chinese Phrase English Translation

Ai Bang Mai Ne: I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tu Fat: You need a face lift

Gun Pao Der: An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung: Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding: We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun: A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia: Approach me

Lao Ze Sho: Gilligan's Island

Lao Ze: Not very good

Lin Ching: An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding: A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn: A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai: A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be: A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne: A small horse

Ten Ding Ba: Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung: A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan: Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah: Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim: Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting: There is no reason to raise your voice

GOT THIS JOKES FROM AIF (AUSTRALIAN INVERT FORUM)

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The
mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father
answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race
evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Papa said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his."

hahahahaa ROFLMA those are hilarious!

They are!


Just some advice:

If you're ever boarding a plane and you see your friend Jack, don't yell out "Hi Jack!"

:p

Rofl :p Simple and short but still pretty funny.

Indeed was a tad funny. :p

Really? The TSA guards didn't think so. No frakking sense of humor...

LMAO.


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