Cleaning up my 1st chapter of my 1st book

[IndianaJoan]

Can someone just take a look at this and point out any errors or problems you see. I am rewriting a small part of my first chapter so I can try submitting this again.

Thanks in advance! Ill just post a short piece at a time..basically just post it as I write it..




A light tap on her shoulder startled Emily and she groggily shook her head to clear it. As she opened her eyes, she noticed the stewardess looming over her.
“Ma’am, we’re about to land. Could you please..”

Emily nodded tiredly before the woman with the delicately manicured hands and neatly pressed uniform could finish her sentence. “Of course.” She pulled her seat into the upright position and fastened her seatbelt.

“Thank you,” the stewardess replied and smiled in a practiced manner that was almost nauseating.

Emily reached below her cramped seat and pulled her compact from her purse. As it popped open, she caught her reflection in the mirror and cringed. Her face was drawn and pale. Dark circles surrounded her green eyes lending them an eerie almost iridescent glow. Wisps of auburn hair escaped from the pony tail she’d put in earlier and hung limply across her forehead. She set her compact in her lap and sighed. Pulling out a brush, she removed the small coated band that held her hair back and combed the loose strands away from her face. She quickly wrapped it back in place. (This paragraph is bugging me..dontknow why..suggestions wanted LOL)

[Peter]

As she opened her eyes, she noticed the stewardess looming over her.

For me, "looming" doesn't work here, as I don't think you are intending for the stewardess to be threatening. "Standing" would be okay, I think.



Emily nodded tiredly

Because you've already made clear that Emily is "groggy", "tiredly" is redundant. There's no need for another modifier.



the woman with the delicately manicured hands and neatly pressed uniform

Everyone knows what a stewardess looks like. This description is not needed. It was boring to read.



smiled in a practiced manner that was almost nauseating.

"practiced" is too vague. When I read this, I was wondering how Emily could know how much "practice" the stewardess has had. I thought you'd changed POV.



Emily reached below her cramped seat and pulled her compact from her purse.

No need for "cramped". Reader would know that is the case. Another useless modifier.



Dark circles surrounded her green eyes lending them an eerie almost iridescent glow.

Dark circles surrounded her green eyes, lending them an eerie, almost iridescent glow.
(I think?)



Wisps of auburn hair escaped from the pony tail she'd put in earlier and hung limply across her forehead.

For some reason when I read this, I was wondering why her hair would just suddenly pop out.

"hung" doesn't feel right. Maybe "dangled"?

"limply" is not needed.



Pulling out a brush, she removed the small coated band that held her hair back and combed the loose strands away from her face.

Another boring sentence. I don't want to read description of a "small coated band" that "held her hair back". Saying she fixes her hair is fine.


Overall, I think it's mainly your overuse of modifiers that needs working on here. But that's what editing is for, eh!

Good luck with the rewrite!