hey im writing a book. i'll tell u all now im very young im only about 15 years old. and i just wanted to see what you all thought about something i wrote and see if you all could give me some suggestions.

ok here it is..

“Why are you being the way you are? What has become of you? You’re scared, you’re nervous. You’re out of control. This is just another of your stupid attention craving strives. Everything’s about you, isn’t it? Just snap out—“He just kept rambling on and on an on. He just doesn’t understand….he’ll never understand. “You wouldn’t understand….” I trailed off. “God! I give up on you.“ He put his face into his hands: he was disappointed in me. And if I told him the truth he would be even more disappointed. “Look I’m out of here”. He picked up his jacket and began walking to you the door. “I’m pregnant” He gripped the door knob, “I’m having a child in 7 months”, he turns the door knob “and so are you.” He stood silent with the door halfway open. Was he going to walk out and completely forget about it? Or would he close the door, the door to his dreams and mine, and help me through it?


it is just a very small part but tell me what you think out it and what not.

Good start. There's some tension between the two characters and the reader is wondering what happens next - and that's always a good thing.

Even though I know you have promise, and you know you have promise, you really need to work on the key elements of a story.

Grammar, punctuation, dialogue and intrigue.

I can see this story going somewhere, but the format in which you wrote it down is confusing at best, and aggravates the readers. Take any published book as an example and write with proper capitalization, punctuation and grammar.

is confusing at best

It is very confusing.

First of all, your lack of paragraphs automatically takes a point away, if you expect your readers to stay interested, or even be able to follow along if they want to, proper grammar is a must.

I think one of the reasons why it was so confusing is because you used two different points of time while writing this peice past and present. So at some points you are using the present, and other points you are using the past.

Also, you never gave your characters any definite names for us to distinguish them by, so the mix of I's and He's were a little frustrating at times as well, making it hard for the reader to tell who was doing what.

Hope that helps.

It is never too early to learn the craft of writing. And I envy you for getting such an early start. But, there is an old adage that “Bad habits die hard.” So if you are going to write, you should persevere toward making every effort to learn the basics of the craft. Don’t depend on others to write your story for you. And before you take offense, I am not suggesting that the latter is true here. However, I could not help but notice that you have a multitude of grammatical errors along with a few spelling problems and the basic structure of even a short story are missing. I understand that this is a smaller part of a larger work to come.

It would be a good idea to shine from the very beginning. I can tell by the theme that you have chosen that perhaps it is important to you, so why not make every effort to present it as best you can right from the very start. Writing is hard work and learning the craft even harder.

First, start every line of dialogue with a new paragraph for each character in your story.

Second, whenever possible in a story such as yours, you’ll want to give your characters names. This makes it easier for the reader to relate to the character. They need someone to love, hate etc…, so give them something they can visualize.

It is also important for you to have a firm understanding of the definition of such terms as Protagonist, Antagonist and Heroin. And to know what Setting and POV mean and how they can impact your story. These are just a few of the basic terms and concepts that you’ll need to know about and understand to better develop your story. Although not always necessary, it is a good idea to have some understanding of Modern Dramatic Plot as well.

You might consider reading a few books on the subject. Also Spark Charts are wonderful and inexpensive ways to bring you up to speed on the subject of composition and much more. You can get them at Barnes and Noble are on-line. A very good book you may wish to read is The Complete Guide to Writing Fiction and NonFiction And Getting it Published by Pat Kubis and Bob Howland.

Thanks for posting

All good points, especially the suggestions about breaking this into several paragraphs. Not only is the current formatting gramatically incorrect, it's just tough to read. And don't be afraid of the little red and green lines Word likes to put under your sentences.

That said, you did convey a good amount of emotion with a small amount of words. And depending on the positioning of this scene in what you're writing, a lack of definitive names could be an interesting stylistic choice. Everybody has a connotation for every name they see or hear - so if all that's important is the gravitas of this argument, leaving names out might be alright, assuming this is used as a prologue or an introduction. The reader could then figure out who was who early in the ensuing story. But something with this many pronouns positioned anywhere else...no good.

Anyways, keep at it. And keep asking for opinions. The only way you're going to improve is to find out what an audience thinks of your work.

The tension that you built up in that was amazing. But...there was a lot of grammer mistakes--focusing around the punctuation, espcially the quotes. It was also a tad bit hard to follow, which is obvoiusly not good.

Keep going on this though, it definately has some potential.

And don't worry about your age--it has nothing to do with writing skills (I'm only 13 ;D)

Everyone hit the nail on the head with this one.

Here is what they are talking about:

The structure should look something like this:

“Why are you being the way you are? What has become of you? You’re scared, you’re nervous. You’re out of control. This is just another of your stupid attention craving strives. Everything’s about you, isn’t it? Just snap out—“

He just kept rambling on and on an on. He just doesn’t understand….he’ll never understand.

“You wouldn’t understand…” I trailed off.

“God! I give up on you.“ He put his face into his hands.

He was disappointed in me. And if I told him the truth he would be even more disappointed.

“Look I’m out of here.” He picked up his jacket and began walking to you the door.

“I’m pregnant.”

He gripped the door knob.

“I’m having a child in 7 months.”

He turned the door knob.

He stood silent with the door halfway open. Was he going to walk out and completely forget about it? Or would he close the door, the door to his dreams and mine, and help me through it?


That being said, this is just an idea of how it should look. I made very little actual corrections here. The SPAG is horrible in this snippet, specifically your punctuation.

The first quoute feels misworded and a little too long winded. Make it a little more punchy to set the tone for the rest of this section. Also, finish the quote and make it stand by itself. Use description to convey that the character is rambling rather than punctuation. I know what you were trying to do but it just doesn't work here.

First of all, commas belong inside the quotes and there is a space between the last quote and the first word after the quote. If you use a stand alone quote the period also goes inside the quote.

The mood is decent but even in this snippet there are no clues as to the types of characters these are. Though this is a part of a larger piece, you need to splash this with a little character development.

Tone and flow would be fine except for the SPAG errors and the structural errors. I think you have a good start but as was said before you need to work on the mechanics of writing so that you don't deter your reader at first glance.

Here is a corrected version of this snippet:


“Why are you being the way you are? What has become of you? You’re scared. You’re nervous. You’re out of control. This is just another one of your stupid attention-craving strives. Everything is about you. Isn’t it? Just snap out of it!“

He just kept rambling on and on. He just doesn’t understand. He’ll never understand.

“You wouldn’t understand…”

“God! I give up on you,“ He said as he put his face into his hands.

He was disappointed in me. And if I told him the truth, he would be even more disappointed.

“Look, I’m out of here”. He picked up his jacket and began walking to you the door.

“I’m pregnant.”

He gripped the door knob.

“I’m having a child in 7 months.”

He turned the door knob.

“And so are you.”

He stood silent, with the door halfway open.

Was he going to walk out and completely forget about it or would he close the door, the door to his dreams and mine, and help me through it?

yeah if its in paragraphs i like it. alot.