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  1. Untitled
    Touch, feel, nothing’s real
    The world around is crashing down
    Drink, taste, a virgin wine
    You’re breaking, falling to the ground

    Rose tint won’t let you see -the color red beyond
    Take them off, look with your eyes - see the world for what it is

    Run, run, far from here
    Fast as fury from the scene
    Hide, hide away somewhere
    A place where you can feel serene

    You can run and you can hide
    But why not stay here with me?
    You can pretend it’s all ‘okay’
    Or you can come and see
    The real, real world

    Untitled 2

    These emotions
    Always inside
    You’re bringing them up

    These feelings
    So deep down
    You’re pulling them out

    Rip apart my misperception
    Take away the mask I wear
    Vulnerable in front of you now
    Naked where I stand

    I could smile
    I could cry
    You’d stay even still

    I could scream
    I could die
    You won’t run away

    Rip apart my misperception
    Take away the mask I wear
    Vulnerable in front of you
    Naked where I stand

    Untitled 3
    Slip again into the slumber
    Gently let it all engulf
    The world fades away like a blur
    Fantasy will win once more

    Let the dreams consume
    Spirit you away
    To where love is real

    And if you can breathe
    Let it fill you up
    Never die again

    Visions reveries...

    A feeling so intensely real
    Like a miracle today
    Listen closely, hear it clearly
    The sound calling you to me
  2. reality sucks. and the ability to dream, create in mind, makes it worse.

    when i'm creating, it's all gravy. stories, music, etc.
    everything else, all that reality before and after, all that nothing and worthlessness, all that which reminds me of, well, me, really really sucks.

    ...

    i need to get out of here...
    need to move to another country again so that when i can't make conversation, i can blame it on the fact that i can't speak the language.

    ...

    or maybe i just need to consume myself with a new book... got a few ideas, but with school coming up, the fact that my writing absolutely sucks, and the fact that i don't have any privacy really hinders things...

    reality sucks...

    ....

    i've been here too long...
  3. Things to do in the next 365 days

    Education
    1. Learn all level 3 and 4 kanji
    2. Along with ½ of level 2 kanji
    3. Pass my Criminal Justice classes
    4. Make a decent grade on the GRE (or just take it) – rescheduled for the 3rd!
    5. Finish my beginning Arabic self-learning book
    6. Finish at least half of my Tagalog book
    7. Read a book in Spanish (and understand it)
    8. Finish my new Japanese learning book
    9. Order and read “Death Note” and “Fruits Basket” in original Japanese
    10. Finally learn all the particles correctly in Japanese
    11. Learn all of the grammar points needed for level 3 and 4
    12. ½ grammar points for level 2
    13. Maybe learn a little more Korean while I’m at it… hey, I can read it! might as well know what I’m reading!
    14. Figure out what topic I need for my thesis
    15. Write (or at least start) a freaking awesome thesis!

    Writing Stuff
    16. Write five songs
    17. Write another book
    18. Write five decent short stories
    19. Find a good writing space
    20. Get a lot of good writing music
    21. Make a specific time to do writing and show up every day
    22. Post and get my short stories reviewed
    23. Read/Learn from my writing style book
    24. Get a good, though small, desk and chair

    Entertainment
    25. Watch three classic movies
    26. Read three classic novels
    27. Find stuff to do in NOLA (like art galleries, etc.)
    28. Go back to swing dancing
    29. Learn to play piano (again, better)
    30. Join a band (hopefully) and perform original songs
    31. ^Possibly take up bass guitar again, and actually practice it
    32. Sing every chance I get
    33. Get a car, or pressure my dad to fix that crap one we have, so that when I find stuff to do in NOLA, I can actually go do it.
    34. In that case, learn how to parallel park while I’m at it.
    35. Have a Psych marathon

    Job Stuff
    36. Try to choose a career
    37. Apply for a lot of good jobs
    38. Don’t mess up at my current job
    39. Learn some more sign language to talk with the woman at the mail room
    40. Use my time wisely at work

    Health
    41. Run 1.5 miles in under 13 minutes (if my leg ever stops hurting, this might even be achievable… might)
    42. Do 60 sit-ups in one minute (possibly unachievable)
    43. Do 30 push ups (this one’s gonna be the hardest)
    44. Eat well, so as to have a happy tummy
    45. Floss
    46. Learn to somehow magically reverse my hereditary panic attacks so I won’t have them anymore (because they’re stupid!)
    47. Swim twice a week
    48. Survive my mom’s house

    Change
    49. New haircut (possibly the “Bones” haircut, haven’t decided yet)
    50. Maybe a new computer
    51. Wear my ‘pretty clothes’ more

    Random
    52. Fly a kite
    53. Find someplace to wear my yukata (summer kimono)
    54. Make a picture collage of interesting NOLA people and stuff
    55. Go to Iloilo again
    56. Keep in touch with my friends from all over
    57. ^Send paper letters/postcards to them too
    58. Get my own library card (stop using my sister’s)
    59. Have lots of meaningful conversations with Mac
    60. Ask a random person for his/her autograph
    61. Finish at least half of this list

    Religion
    62. Read the Bible, the whole Bible, this year
    63. Find a decent church to go to
    64. Compose three praise songs
    65. Meditate
    66. Hopefully, find faith

    Things NOT to do
    67. Stop complaining
    68. Stop being nervous/worrying
    69. Stop berating myself
    70. Stop being embarrassed about everything
    71. Stop pretending to be smarter than I am, no one is fooled (also, see # about this statement)
    72. Stop holding it all in
  4. I'm not meant for office work. This is clear. It's always been clear. I can't do office small talk. I don't want to. I don't like it. But at least it's better than customer service. And at least I have the whole first floor to myself. No cubicles by my 'secretary' desk. I am not a secretary.

    The UPS guy knows my name. He wears UPS shorts. The Fed-Ex guys always get the wrong building.

    Invoice, file, repeat.

    I'm an ex-expatriot not meant for the same things over and over. Never liked my job before, but at least I had a challenge. At least I had something I could learn. Again it's over and over.

    I'm reverting back, far back into my own mind, where no one can find me. Oh, hey, peppermint puffs. I hope they're not stale from last time I was here.

    A peppermint puff haiku:

    Oh, peppermint puffs
    Wonderful, lovely and true
    My peppermint puffs

    Peppermint puffs don't have magical healing powers, and they won't help me study, as much as I wish they would. But they're yummy, so I won't hold it against them.

    I'll go to school again. Maybe find an actual career this time. But I have to run. And I can't run. And I got a terrible pain in my hip when I try to run. I need to run because I need this job. I hate teaching, but so far it's the only thing that's gotten me out.

    I need out. I need real. Or I'll forget that real is good, and stay in this hole forever...

    ... but at least I'll have peppermint puffs. :)