Untitled Touch, feel, nothing’s real The world around is crashing down Drink, taste, a virgin wine You’re breaking, falling to the ground Rose tint won’t let you see -the color red beyond Take them off, look with your eyes - see the world for what it is Run, run, far from here Fast as fury from the scene Hide, hide away somewhere A place where you can feel serene You can run and you can hide But why not stay here with me? You can pretend it’s all ‘okay’ Or you can come and see The real, real world Untitled 2 These emotions Always inside You’re bringing them up These feelings So deep down You’re pulling them out Rip apart my misperception Take away the mask I wear Vulnerable in front of you now Naked where I stand I could smile I could cry You’d stay even still I could scream I could die You won’t run away Rip apart my misperception Take away the mask I wear Vulnerable in front of you Naked where I stand Untitled 3 Slip again into the slumber Gently let it all engulf The world fades away like a blur Fantasy will win once more Let the dreams consume Spirit you away To where love is real And if you can breathe Let it fill you up Never die again Visions reveries... A feeling so intensely real Like a miracle today Listen closely, hear it clearly The sound calling you to me
reality sucks. and the ability to dream, create in mind, makes it worse. when i'm creating, it's all gravy. stories, music, etc. everything else, all that reality before and after, all that nothing and worthlessness, all that which reminds me of, well, me, really really sucks. ... i need to get out of here... need to move to another country again so that when i can't make conversation, i can blame it on the fact that i can't speak the language. ... or maybe i just need to consume myself with a new book... got a few ideas, but with school coming up, the fact that my writing absolutely sucks, and the fact that i don't have any privacy really hinders things... reality sucks... .... i've been here too long...
Things to do in the next 365 days Education 1. Learn all level 3 and 4 kanji 2. Along with ½ of level 2 kanji 3. Pass my Criminal Justice classes 4. Make a decent grade on the GRE (or just take it) – rescheduled for the 3rd! 5. Finish my beginning Arabic self-learning book 6. Finish at least half of my Tagalog book 7. Read a book in Spanish (and understand it) 8. Finish my new Japanese learning book 9. Order and read “Death Note” and “Fruits Basket” in original Japanese 10. Finally learn all the particles correctly in Japanese 11. Learn all of the grammar points needed for level 3 and 4 12. ½ grammar points for level 2 13. Maybe learn a little more Korean while I’m at it… hey, I can read it! might as well know what I’m reading! 14. Figure out what topic I need for my thesis 15. Write (or at least start) a freaking awesome thesis! Writing Stuff 16. Write five songs 17. Write another book 18. Write five decent short stories 19. Find a good writing space 20. Get a lot of good writing music 21. Make a specific time to do writing and show up every day 22. Post and get my short stories reviewed 23. Read/Learn from my writing style book 24. Get a good, though small, desk and chair Entertainment 25. Watch three classic movies 26. Read three classic novels 27. Find stuff to do in NOLA (like art galleries, etc.) 28. Go back to swing dancing 29. Learn to play piano (again, better) 30. Join a band (hopefully) and perform original songs 31. ^Possibly take up bass guitar again, and actually practice it 32. Sing every chance I get 33. Get a car, or pressure my dad to fix that crap one we have, so that when I find stuff to do in NOLA, I can actually go do it. 34. In that case, learn how to parallel park while I’m at it. 35. Have a Psych marathon Job Stuff 36. Try to choose a career 37. Apply for a lot of good jobs 38. Don’t mess up at my current job 39. Learn some more sign language to talk with the woman at the mail room 40. Use my time wisely at work Health 41. Run 1.5 miles in under 13 minutes (if my leg ever stops hurting, this might even be achievable… might) 42. Do 60 sit-ups in one minute (possibly unachievable) 43. Do 30 push ups (this one’s gonna be the hardest) 44. Eat well, so as to have a happy tummy 45. Floss 46. Learn to somehow magically reverse my hereditary panic attacks so I won’t have them anymore (because they’re stupid!) 47. Swim twice a week 48. Survive my mom’s house Change 49. New haircut (possibly the “Bones” haircut, haven’t decided yet) 50. Maybe a new computer 51. Wear my ‘pretty clothes’ more Random 52. Fly a kite 53. Find someplace to wear my yukata (summer kimono) 54. Make a picture collage of interesting NOLA people and stuff 55. Go to Iloilo again 56. Keep in touch with my friends from all over 57. ^Send paper letters/postcards to them too 58. Get my own library card (stop using my sister’s) 59. Have lots of meaningful conversations with Mac 60. Ask a random person for his/her autograph 61. Finish at least half of this list Religion 62. Read the Bible, the whole Bible, this year 63. Find a decent church to go to 64. Compose three praise songs 65. Meditate 66. Hopefully, find faith Things NOT to do 67. Stop complaining 68. Stop being nervous/worrying 69. Stop berating myself 70. Stop being embarrassed about everything 71. Stop pretending to be smarter than I am, no one is fooled (also, see # about this statement) 72. Stop holding it all in
I'm not meant for office work. This is clear. It's always been clear. I can't do office small talk. I don't want to. I don't like it. But at least it's better than customer service. And at least I have the whole first floor to myself. No cubicles by my 'secretary' desk. I am not a secretary. The UPS guy knows my name. He wears UPS shorts. The Fed-Ex guys always get the wrong building. Invoice, file, repeat. I'm an ex-expatriot not meant for the same things over and over. Never liked my job before, but at least I had a challenge. At least I had something I could learn. Again it's over and over. I'm reverting back, far back into my own mind, where no one can find me. Oh, hey, peppermint puffs. I hope they're not stale from last time I was here. A peppermint puff haiku: Oh, peppermint puffs Wonderful, lovely and true My peppermint puffs Peppermint puffs don't have magical healing powers, and they won't help me study, as much as I wish they would. But they're yummy, so I won't hold it against them. I'll go to school again. Maybe find an actual career this time. But I have to run. And I can't run. And I got a terrible pain in my hip when I try to run. I need to run because I need this job. I hate teaching, but so far it's the only thing that's gotten me out. I need out. I need real. Or I'll forget that real is good, and stay in this hole forever... ... but at least I'll have peppermint puffs.