I am curious on what other think about this section of a piece I have started, this is my first attempt at writing for a long time. Any suggestions on where to elaborate on description, fix grammar, or any other tidbit that would help.
“Can we get some coffee?” shouted a man angrily, he was wearing a pinstripe suit, he looked very distinguished almost a George Clooney type, he was sitting with a beautiful woman in a red cocktail dress, her hair was long, blonde almost seemed without colour, in the corner of the diner. Gwen hadn't even noticed that anyone had come in. She had been daydreaming. She had been doing that a lot of lately. She was dreaming about what a better life with some more excitement would be like.
“Sorry,” she said as she grabbed two coffee cups and coffee pot and walked through the diner toward the couple. They seem a little over dressed! Gwen thought. As she approached them she noticed the paleness of their skin, their demeanour seemed a little off, they were watching Gwen, as she walked toward them. She put the coffee cups down and started pouring and asked “anything else?”
“Nothing else.” said the beautiful young lady with a strange look in her eyes. Gwen thought nothing of it. As Gwen went back behind the counter, she starting looking around, she had worked in the diner for over a year now, she was trying to save up to go to college. The diner was like any 50's looking diner with teal blue on the seats, and shiny chrome and a jukebox in the corner. She had made very little and had to work a double shift whenever she could. Hank was in the kitchen tiding up, it was close to closing time.
Gwen was never that fond of Hank even though they worked together a lot, on occasion Hank would even offer her a ride home. “Did you need a ride tonight, Gwen?”
“No, I need to clear my head. You go ahead, I will be okay.” She said as they were locking up. She noticed the warmth in the air, it had been hot lately, almost humid. Gwen had not notice that the couple from the diner that night was on the corner as she walked by. She was already thinking that life was too mundane, she went on in her own thoughts, without realizing that behind her the couple was following her.
Gwen was passing the park, the trees were green and the grass had been starting to turn brown, signs that the heat had been around for a while. She notice the finely dressed couple was behind her. She began walking faster. When the couple realized that she noticed them they turned and walked into the park. She got only a few steps when she saw something from the corner of her eye, something red. She turned to see what it was. Out of nowhere a figure sidelined it and knocked the red mass to the ground. What the hell is that? Gwen stared at the sight before her. She saw the woman from the diner, she was making an awful shrieking noise, nothing that Gwen had ever heard before. “Stop, what are you doing? You are hurting her.” Gwen shouted.
“I will be with you in a minute,” said a deep voice. Suddenly the woman was lying on the ground motionless.
Gwen screamed “Oh my God you killed her,” frozen, she wondered what was going to happen, was she going to be next.
The man that the deep voice belong to stood up and looked at her, He was handsome, his green eyes were like the colour jade, his hair was messy, probably from the events that occurred in front of her. “She was going to attack you, you would have been dead, good thing I noticed them following you. I am Edwin.” Just as Edwin introduced himself, the man in the pin striped suit came out of the shadows.
The man in the suit clapped. “Well done, Edwin. I see you haven't lost your touch.”
“Victor, I should have known.” Edwin stated looking on the defence. Gwen still frozen not knowing what to do. Then in as swift motion, Victor had grabbed Gwen, it seemed as though he appeared out of nowhere. Gwen fought. “Let her, go and I will let you go alive.”
“Ha!” Victor laughed. “You have tried so many times to kill me, what makes you think this time is different?”
Separate names with a comma.