i’m really far ahead in nearly all my classes - like my homework isn’t due for two weeks kind of ahead - my bills are paid for the month, i get to keep most of my paycheck, which is a nice one, and i’ve had enough time to binge watch shows again for the first time in forever, and also to read books, and do fun things, and buy myself nice things? in october? when school is in session and i’m usually poor and struggling?
i don’t know what alternate reality i’m in but i like it.
the only shitty thing is that my roommates are shitty, but oh well.
i can't believe this is real and it's really happening. i'm happy.
these days it's hard to tell between being grateful for the little things and settling for little good things. if that makes sense? what i mean is: am i actually grateful for small mercies, or do i feel like i have to settle for whatever tiny shreds of good things come my way? i don't know. i feel both sometimes.
i have so many goals for the future and a lot of times it feels like i can't do them, or that they'll never come fast enough.
i never want to have to settle for anything ever again. never settle for the cheap thing if i can get the nice thing. never settle for discomfort if i can have comfort. never just accept bad feelings about myself, but work to change them. ideally, never to feel them again.
i want a place of my own. just me, just mine. filled with nice things that will last a long time.
more to be added
moved into my new room. terrible 4th is finally gone. small mercies. well, not so small. i'm so glad she's out.
what i'm not glad about, however, is how my room is the tiniest in the house. i'm all cramped in with my stuff and i'm trying not to be upset or resentful of it, but after 2 months of living out of a suitcase i'm eager for it to end and it hasn't yet. and i know that i'll be settling in in the next few days, but i'm at the end of my rope. so fucking tired. i feel sick from bad fast food because the kitchen is so gross i haven't been able to cook in it. i knew i would erupt in anger if i stayed in that tiny cramped room in that filthy house any longer so i left and i'm at the school library typing away, trying to breathe and calm myself down and write myself through it.
my mom will be here thursday morning to help clean. thank god. i need it. so badly. i hate everything about this house right now and the prospect of spending a year in it right now is terrible. just trying to stay calm and breathe. it will be resolved soon. in a little bit. literally in two days. it's okay.
if there's anything positive to report, it's that
there's a lot more natural light in the bedroom i have
there's a huge closet
we cleaned it before we moved in with white vinegar and a ton of clorox, so at least my little corner is passably clean
my mom is coming and it's gonna be okay
i'm just so fucking tired of the feeling that i'm settling. every single month. it's either i don't have time, i don't have money, or both. i know that's how college years are. early twenties are. but i'm tired of feeling like i have to compromise on the person i want to be or the things i want to do because of things i can't even control. knowing the things i want to do are out of my reach for reasons i can't really do anything about right now is horrible. i feel inauthentic. there's something keeping me from being the person i want to be.
it's been a month and a half and i feel so much better.
that's the first thing that comes to mind. i feel like i'm getting back in touch with my old self, the one who remembers why she does the things she does and enjoys the things she enjoys. i feel like i've woken up from something. i'm a lot more patient, a lot more calm and accepting. a lot more level headed. i've forgotten what that felt like. last summer was all rush rush rush. panic panic panic. i had barely 2k in my savings account and even working 2 minimum wage jobs wasn't enough. all year was rough. this summer is so different. i have time off to breathe. to do things. next week i have a film festival and two concerts coming up. i'm going to the pool to tan and swim today. these things would have sounded too good to be true a year ago and now they're fact.
this doesn't mean that things aren't tough. i'm still worried about money a lot of the time. i still feel like i have to put my life on hold because i don't have time or money. i still feel like i have to put off doing things i want to do because of those same reasons. but i either feel like that less now, or i'm a lot more accepting of limitations and try to work my way around them when i can. a huge part of the problem last year was my ego, i think. i got it into my head that i didn't have to do this, that i shouldn't be in this position of putting my wants on hold and stressing out so much, and that feeling of being above it all led to my anger and resentment. now i just realize that it's life. and that it's unfair, but it's the way life is for basically everyone in my age group. and that it's not forever. and that things fluctuate just as much to good things as to bad things. and that these limitations of money or time aren't my fault as much as they're just a casualty of living in an expensive city going to college. i think i'm thinking in the long term a lot more than i was before. before, all i could think about was getting through a week or a month. now i know i'll get through, even if it's tough some months, even if there's dips or uncertainties.
i still have a lot to work on. i still have things to do. but i feel a lot more... adult? prepared? a lot more equipped to accomplish things. i feel like i'm thinking in terms of "marathon, not sprint" now, and that's half the battle. i still have worries and money is still tight but i feel like i can accomplish things in a calmer and more adult manner, honestly. i feel like i've gotten smarter with time and money management. and while i'm not looking forward to paying out the nose for a security deposit and first month's rent all at once soon, i know that i'll get that money back by the end of the summer from working as much as i have. i'm more accepting of the reality that money fluctuates both ways and that i'll be okay eventually. and i'm good with that.
I feel weird that all my blog entries seem to be about me being upset, but I guess it makes sense. I don't really write journals anymore, although I should start, or at least type them up somewhere. I guess I do it here because it's both secretive and public and sometimes I wish someone would message me and ask if I'm okay, even if it's just to check and they don't actually ~care~ that much.
I've been a terrible person this past year and taking a step back from my friends is hard. It's been a week, a measly week, and I already feel really lonely and sad. I'm doing a 48 hour film festival this weekend and while I'm excited as fuck for actual set experience, I just feel hollow and sad and alone, and then I feel bad for feeling bad, because it's like... duh. What did I expect? I was shitty to the people I care the most about and I hate myself for that. And I know that I need to change, and I need to sit here and think about what I've done, and percolate in these feelings, but it's not easy. I dunno. I feel sad and lonely and then I feel bad about commenting on how sad and lonely I feel because I WANT to feel that, I want to know the consequences of what I've done, I want to feel bad so I know how I need to change and be better. But the day to day shit sucks. You never realize how much history you have with a person until you don't have that anymore, or at least not for the moment. There are so many inside jokes and things with my friends that I don't have now with the new roommates, who are lovely but make me sad because I still feel hollow.
You also never realize how much little things can affect you. One of my new roommates suggested we bake and listen to Fall Out Boy and I froze up because that's what me and one of the old roommates did all the time. I just saw a sketch of me another roommate did that I hadn't seen until now and I froze up again. I'm finally being honest with myself and finally realizing how deep my bullshit behavior went and all I can feel is guilt and sadness that I didn't want to be this honest with myself sooner. I don't know if it's too late. I hope it isn't. But I can only do the day to day stuff. At least I've been working decent hours. It's weird how my early 20s are so full of these growing pains. If it's not money it's time, or interpersonal relationships. I'm just trying to cope.
I'm starting therapy again soon. Hopefully that will help.
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