I am saying this with a light and slightly impish grin on my face. I am in the process of writing the draft for a real love story memoir of my life and the wonderful love between me and my "First Love"...
It really was "love at first sight" as they say. I walked into the room and he said that I "shone like the sun". I couldn't believe that at first but then I think of the way that I could not keep my eyes off of him and his boyish attempt to appear nonchalant about introducing himself to me. Maybe it was "fate", "kismet" or "chance" but he and I will always believe that it was nothing less than "love at first sight".
I must be losing my mind. I dream of seeing him, holding him, touching him, kissing him. I must be going crazy. WHY would I be thinking of him after all these years. It must be the bad marriage that I am in. I am just looking back for something familiar and better with almost a "grass is greener" attitude. I am really losing it. Could I REALLY have loved him THAT much. Harumph! Could any man be THAT lovable and am I even capable of loving him that much? My heart aches. My breast heaves with sighs of unrequited love. This is crazy; NO ONE loves anyone like this. This MUST be some infatuation. Two husbands and I am still thinking of HIM. What makes him SO special? Could it be that I really DID, I mean, I really still DO love him? If I love him SO much, surely HE must love me too! After all these years, has he been pining for me as I have for him? It would have to be a "dream come true" to believe this and I would have to be willing to DREAM that dream. But am I willing NOT to have him for the rest of my life? That is the question that if facing me; life or death. If "it" is not him; then there is NO man; If he "is it" then I have to know if I am loved by him as much as I love him. I spent years wondering. The time had come to find out if we REALLY had love and STILL do or is what I remember just a dream that never was?
I couldn't believe my eyes...the man whom I have loved for the past nearly 30 years was walking toward me...His greying temples and added paunch starkly shook me into reality...this is really him. His gait was lively and irregular, his shoulders squared back as he walked up the walk toward my door. We looked at each other. So many thoughts flooded my heart and mind...this is him! My heart pounded and my eyes blinked in disbelief yet hope that this was really happening. I was looking at my "first love" and he walked through my kitchen door and looked at me, smiling. I froze to not reach out to throw my arms around him and passionately kiss him. I could see by the look in his eye that he was on a mission. We didn't speak. It was a sacred moment when all time and everything that we had known to be real, ceased to exist.
He said that as I walked into the room and into his life that I lit up the room and I was "shining like the sun". He couldn't keep his eyes off me and for some reason, I couldn't stop myself from looking at him. Tall, dark and yes, handsome but in a unique and strangely familiar way. I wondered if he had reminded me of someone that I had known before. I felt that I had known him, that I did know him, somehow. We said hello and he quoted a "wolfman jack" line from Todd Rundgren's song...one of my favorites. How odd, I thought. Do I know him? Familiarity and a unusual comforting attraction swept over me.
This happened 30 years ago and it feels like it happened just yesterday. The young handsome man who took my breath away and says that I had "shone like an angel" is holding my hand with greying temples and year worn sadness in his eyes; ever decreasing and being replaced daily with the enthusiasm and young love that I had seen on that day. He is still him and I am still me.
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