Locket in my Pocket

I'm tired of feeling like I'm no good. That I have no talent in anything. Been recently playing a game online. And everyone with the money gets to buy the items and everyone who has no money has to start off with cheap armor that is no good.
I use to be really good at this game too. But I am finding more and more people bring in their Queens and Kings instead of fighting with the pawns and then the knights and then the queens and kings.
I keep losing to Queens and Kings; sometimes Gods. Might makes right. But it makes me feel like shit. I want to be good at something. But I am no good.
I have no talent in Halo. I mean sometimes, but not all the time. I have no talent in Pokemon [yes able to admit that I play Pokemon online]. Because I'm faced with being honorable and respectful to my opponents or falling into their same dirty tricks.
Why am I not good?
I use to be good at fighter games online. But now everyone cheats. And I'm tired of it. Where did honest gaming go? Where did respect go?

Fireworks sizzle and crack
in the sky
People gather whom they
love the most
Around to celebrate America's
Independence Day

But as the fireworks
fizzle and snap
within my life you're
going away

This is a glory
July
A July where you
die
And all I have
left to say

Is goodbye
One this glory July
While they celebrate
their Independence Day I
mourn your passing

How sad this tragic
play is on this
glory July

Goodbye and I love you
No more needs to
be said

The lonely soldier will keep wandering I think. He'll fight and fight, till he's exhausted and can no longer move. Till he's chained down with misery and pain. Till he no longer has the freedom to feel anything.
I think this lonely soldier is looking for something lost. But he doesn't know it is lost. It isn't real to him yet, it doesn't feel real yet. Because this soldier has only heard from people that the person is gone. The other soldier is gone. This soldier was fond of this female soldier. For two lonely wandering souls, finally were able to fight the loneliness together.
And even though both were lonely out of their chronic misery and chronic pain, they were going to have a family. Maybe it was unfair of them. To both be in such a miserable and lonely state even when together. Its a funny concept. They loved each other so much. But outside their relationship they had little to no friends. They weren't much accepted within society.
Its almost horrible and disgusting how these two lone soldiers wanted a real life, but didn't know how to obtain that real life. The soldier, I think, wonders [ha get it wanders and wonders] if it were ever a good idea. That they were trying to become so normal, even when they hardly lived what would be considered the normal life.
They didn't feel normal. Were the two similar he wonders? But none of his answers will be answered. None of his answers are ever good enough. He felt, even if he can't fully remember. That he was truly happy. Even if they were to similar. They were happy.
Did that mean as long as those soldiers were together they weren't that lonely and miserable?

I suppose sometimes I feel lost. I think we all feel lost. I think its a normal feeling. But when you're constantly lost, I wonder if that means you're already dead. I have never and would ever consider suicide. Its not something in my nature. I feel I have already died, moved on, and passed on. A ghost who still has tales to tell. I think the profile picture best describes who I think I am, who J.P.Clyde is. I think he both thinks about the person he has become and who he will be. Bringing flowers to my own gravestone to grief the lost of myself. I suppose this is a very depressing message, but I think at some point we have to keep on musing ourselves about us. I think at some point we have to think about our own mortality and who we are. I never had the chance to find out who I was. I kind of recreated myself through J.P.Clyde. I made myself who I wanted to be, through my pen name. Everything I write is in character and in this persona. Cause the truth is I'm already a dead man. I'm already dead. I didn't need to commit suicide to realize this. I didn't need my body to be physically dead, all I needed was for myself to be dead mentally. All I needed was my mind to die. And J.P.Clyde is all that I have that dwindles of my past life. Its why I'm a ghost. Its why I consider myself a ghost writer. Because I am already dead. Or what I once was, is already dead. Now I am only J.P.Clyde. Its all I have left of my own mind. I think its what keeps me from going insane.