I knew this girl who from a very early age learned the meaning of love. This is her story.
She knew everytime her mother beat her that it meant that her mother loved her. She knew everytime her father beat her it meant that he loved her. She knew everytime she was kicked out of the house as a little kid it meant that her parents loved her. She knew that every time her mom threaten to sell her away that it meant her mother loved her. She knew everytime her father would not look at her it meant that he loved her. She knew everytime the teachers ignored her bruises on her arms it meant that they loved her. She knew that everytime her other relatives ignored the tell tale signs of abuse it meant they loved her.
When she got older...everytime her mother use to make fun of her growing body, it meant she was loved. Everytime her father would rip her room apart finding her journals and read them a loud and make fun of her, it meant she was loved. she knew everytime since she could remember that they have called her useless, pitiful, a matyr; they actually meant i love you, you're wonderfall, we're so amazing.
So this little girl grew up learning love in so many ways. But she didn't like it. She didn't like it at all. And when she grew up to be a young lady, she hated love. She didn't want it. She ignored it.
So now everytime someone who cares about her tells her so, that they care, that they love her. She actually knows the truth. In her head she knows thats not love. If they really loved her they wouldn't be so nice to her. If they really loved her they would hurt her in every way they could possibly stand.
The girl would smile to herself everytime someone told her that cared about her. because she knew better, she knew they weren't to be trusted. She was glad she had the knowledge, that all love ever did was cause you pain. And she knew better than everybody else that a life without love, was thousand times better than a life with one.
poor girl....i wish someone would have told her differently
....I realized that there is something about me that is different from everyone else. It's no special gift or ability that I have that makes me different. It's not even a good thing.
People, most people anyways, normal people, try to build themselves up. Try maybe to at least maintain a calm. I do not.
I stir the waters. I don't like itm, but I do it. You see.....I cannot be calm. Calm for me, well is not calm. when everything in my life is haywire, when someone hates me, when people are angry with me, when i hate the world and everyone in it, that is calm for me. A crazy calm. The eye of the storm.
I want to reach bottom . I already have done so much. So much crazyness in my life. Alcoholl, drugs. rehab, psychologists, emergeny rooms , losing job, losing friends, losing lovers.
None of these things sound appealing to me. And there was a great deal of sadness in all of it.
But you see, I have to keep going down. Once I have nothing, i feel that i would be free. I have been stuck and trapped in this life of mine. Ruled my dettachment from society yet a yearning to be a part of it as much as people disgusts me.
I want to be free. so many chains to break. So many chains that were made by me. If i push myself to the end, to the brink, then I will be free. Only when human beings are at a precipice do they begin to change.
I want my precipice. I want to step to the edge. And if i die, well i tried. And i don't die. Then everything will be worth it. Because if I don't die, I will come out as close to perfection in my eyes that can come. I will have my calm. A calm that will not be changed by any outside influence.
I will put myself through hell. And i will learn to love myself throught that. Love my perserverance if i can live throught everything.
I don;t know if i will make it. Maybe i will take my life through insanity or overdose or die of alcohol poisioning. But Im doing this all for the chance that I will come ouot of it alive.
I will come out of it alive, and free, and grateful. And when that day comes, the sun will be brighter than any other day in my life, the air will smell cleaner than it has ever been, food will taste sweeter than it has ever and I will look at myself in the mirror and love the girl who is staring back.
The guy I was asseing told me a little more than a week ago that he just wanted to be friends. he texted me a few times and I told him I needed some space, some time for my ego to heal.
I was 'fortunate' enough to give my friend a ride home today from work. And while we drove the 50 minutes it took to drive himk home he told me that the guy that I was seeing is now re'seeing the girl that he was seeing that he was dating before me.
Here's the tricky part.....(i'll give them fake names) Brad, the guy i was seeing, was dating Trisha, a friend oof mine. He broke up with her and told me he liked me. Me, trying to be a good friend, maybe even a good person told Trisha about it, because truth was I liked Brad, but out of repsect of Trisha I told her so she would hear it from me and no one else.....So i told trisha and a month and a half later me and brad continued seeing each other.... and suddenly he told me that he just wanted to be friends and now I hear from a completely outside source that Trisha and Brad are seeing each other again. Not from brad, which is fine. But not from Trisha either.....Nothing... I hear it randomly from a friend when I give them a ride home.
I feel played. I feel used.. Why didn't she tell me.. What the ****?
what I feel right now? what is the pure unadultered emotion I feel right now. They can go **** themselves.. Which is probably what they are doing right now. I never want to speak to him ever again. Although I haven't quite finished feeling anything for him....and for her..**** her. **** her in ever p[ossible way.
I just wannt her to feel as crappy as I do right now. God!! at least I spoke to her!! but she didn't tell me anything.....i had to hear it from someone else.....wtf??!! I changed him from my phone book contact list to 'think!!' and i changed her, well i just straight up deleted her from my phone book....
i want to say so many disgusting things sbout her....what the hell???!! I know I'm not perfect, but really... I know Trisha is beatiful but good god!! Coudl someone want me just for once over her!!
I'm so hurt, that I can't sleep, just drink and hate and be bitter... what the hell!!!!
i liked him so much and he just threw mw away likw my feelings meant nothing!! band he didn't even care to give me a heads up.... i hate people
i hate them...i hate how they are...i hate how i am around them...i hate people, i hate feelings,.\
i just want to be inmobile....i don't want to cry over these people and yet i do...
I don't want to cry over them/...... I never want to cry over them.... I want to be strong!! not this wimpering fool they turned me into.....i deleted my myspace and facebook so i would never see them online.
Oh god it hurts so much.....but i would never say it out loud...im so stubborn.. But it does hurt..I hurt.. They hurt me...
That's it.....They hurt me They hurt me...
sigh,.........they hurt me soooo much.....**** it...**** them.....i don't want to ever feel this way ever again....
so, this is what it has come to. I can't talk to my friends, I can't talk to my family, of course. I can write in my journal but I need my words out there for people to hear them even if someone just glances at them.
I am scared. I have become lost in my search for freedom. i believe everything in life is a distraction. Distracting me from my mind. Someone once told me that I can convey emotions through words so beatifully. And for a second, just for a second I believed it. And now I'm stuck. Now I want everyone to feel what I am saying. Maybe that is why a journal will no longer do. No one will ever read my journal. And I am scared to death that anybody will ever read my journal.
Even if just by accident someone comes by these words, that is enough for me, for now anyways. I don't know if the reader of this passage can feel the desperation i feel inside myself in themselves when they read this. I just want to be heard. To be heard by strangers even.
because like I said I am scared. I rather be heard by strangers, then take a risk of trying on the people close to me and my words falling on deaf ears.
I am a coward in so many ways. Pathethic ways/ yet I am reluctant to change. Scared of myself and of others and how they would view me. Maybe I am just human. And because of that I hate my humanity. Keeeping me in this close cage of humility and pride and ego. I'm tired of it.
Oh god. Oh anybody. Can you hear me? Can you feel me? The loneliness? The stubborness? the despair? I hate it all. And yet, I love it all because it is all I ever known. All I will ever be. For that, I hate myself.
Separate names with a comma.