(studio Journo)Roger: We cross live now to our reporter in Heaven. Kate, can you hear me? Kate: (after 30 second delay) Yyyeess Roger. I can hear you...jjust. Roger: Have they announced the winner yet? Kate: Ah, just about to. Look it is hard to hear you above the crowd noise . We've got people of all religious persuasions as you can imagine. And they are just going ballistic cheering for their team. It's bigger than Eurovision! Roger: Who do you think will win? Kate: I'm not discounting anyone at the moment. With over 100 entries, it is an absolute lottery. If I had to go for someone, it would be the Scientologists. Just they have star power. They were meant for red carpet events like this. Cruise and Travolta are smiling like they've already won it. But the whole story of them getting into heaven in the first place, is mind-blowing really. Roger: Ok thanks Kate. We might ask our studio expert here, Frank McCormack, what he thinks. Frank? Frank: Look, it's a lay-down mezaire. A Christian team will win for sure. and I'm putting my money on the Catholics! They've got the history, the tradition, the Pope. I don't like the game monopoly but I think it is fair to say, they have a monopoly on the truth. It's pass Go, collect 200 dollars and win, win, win! Roger: But Frank, how can you discount the Jews or Muslims so easily? They've grown enormously in the last 1000 years?
I do. It's good to have them on our side. Australia I mean. Better the strongest military in the world represents democracy. I'd like to think we are the good guys, ie. wealthy democratic countries. But perhaps there are no good guys, when it comes to violence. Just hope it doesn't come to them versus us. Them seems to include war-torn Muslim countries, China, Russia and some other rogue states like North Korea. God, world war 3, what a thought! Maybe the doomsday cults are right about an imminent Armageddon. I'd better take them more seriously now. But look at countries like Japan and Taiwan. How dependant they are on US military defence. It's scary to think how fragile, the world is. Just one crazy pre emptive strike and boom! I've never learnt to use a gun and I'd make a terrible soldier. Logically speaking then, I am a pacifist because I'm hopeless with gadgets. I'm against war because I don't want to be killed and killing someone else sounds outstandingly traumatic. I admire soldiers and feel sorry for them, when they have to re-adapt to civilian life. you know, thank God for people prepared to do dangerous jobs. And that includes nurses and doctors. have you ever wondered who cleans up after a crime scene! Now, there's a cleaning job that deserves a good hourly rate! Make sure you wear gloves, my dear!
I'm one of those few Aussies who hasn't "done" Europe. More than one Aussie has returned to say "yeah interesting but it's good to be home." So much history you say. You've got to see Stonehenge, Pisa, Venice, The Vatican, the Greek Isles! Do I? No I don't. And with all the Syrian refugees, I don't think it would be safe. I feel sorry for countries like Germany being over-run with people. It's not fair. Australia is lucky we are not land-locked or close to other countries. We might get attacked by China or Indonesia one day but I can't see it happening soon. maybe we should take more Syrian refugees than the 12 000 allotted though. It looks unfair that countries like Greece wasted money and expect other countries like Germany to pick up the pieces. Maybe the Euro wasn't such a great idea. OK, showing my naïve Aussie ignorance here. I know FA Cup really. Not sure what to think of Julian Assange. I don't really understand what happened in Sweden. Sounds bad. Snowden, now there is an enigma. Can't imagine Russia is such a great place to live. We need whistleblowers though, don't we. Keep the bartenders honest!
Hey don't get me wrong. I'm sure gays are nice people and I really don't care what they get up to in their free time. It's just this marriage thing. Like envious neighbours. "Mum, mum, they got a big Plasma screen TV. Can we get one?" Well, they can have marriage anyway. Half end in divorce and a lot don't even get round to it, despite having kids. I'm one of the survivors. First marriage and going on 30 years now with good ol' Bess. Now Bess, there's what I class a real woman. Homemaker. No fancy aspirations to a career. Her happiness is to make a comfortable nest for me and her. They don't make women like this anymore, I assure you. She belongs to a breed soon to be extinct. The selfless woman variety. God bless her. Ok we didn't have kids and don't expect an apology from me 'cause you're not goin' to get one! And another thing. Stop the boats! I'd add stop the planes too! Australia doesn't want any more migrants. That includes radicalised Poms who think they can beat us in cricket and rugby! We don't need your kind here. Stay in that cold, wet part of the world forever and watch repeats of the Antique Roadshow on TV . And then watch Eggheads after that. Barry's my favourite by the way. I have it on good authority that our ex-prime minister, Tony Abbott was born in England. if that's the case, we return to sender. You can have him back. He's too much of a monarchist! Oh say hi to Liz for me by the way. How old is she now? 100 yet? She's in the nervous ninetees . Hope she gets her century!
Writing is my last resort. I have failed at everything else. I want to leave something worthwhile behind in print before I die. You know all those childhood memories? Like Orson Welles in Citizen Kane, remembering his cherished sleigh. I feel like I have a huge catalogue of nostalgic objects and events that made my life unique. The sixtees mainly as I remember those vinyl LP covers, scalectric model racetracks, slug guns, Enid Blyton adventure stories, getting bitten by my dog, stepping on thorns, getting hit by teachers almost daily, dangerous fireworks, playing cricket for hours in summer, walking into my neighbour's house without knocking. Society wanted me to be an adult sooner or later but I haven't quite measured up. Started and quit numerous jobs. I think deep down, I've missed childhood. I like to daydream instead of dealing with awkward confrontations that require assertiveness. My maturity and courage are not as high as they should be.I haven't managed to harness that daydreaming ability into writing though. That's they key and I envy writers who have managed it. I think I am funny. People have told me so. One employer wrote it on a reference. I guess this was to make up for lack of other talent, skills or achievements. All you have to be funny is to laugh at yourself, not others. Look at how seriously I'm taking myself! Writing this blog and thinking it is the beginning of some huge step into the professional writing world! Daydreaming already!See the contradictions in your own thinking, your own decisions. Lack of self-awareness like Gervais' David Brent. Taking life so seriously. My fear is that I will be homeless one day. And you know what came to mind first? That I might struggle with gingivitis from lack of toothbrushing! That would be the least of my problems! See how pathetic our minds are? It is high time I had control of mine, by the way. It has been calling the shots for too long!