how I feel now, Oct. 8 2011

we are new to each other when we first meet,
we are pleasant to one another, small shy smile on our face while i try and keep my cracked heart inside held together from all the bossing, the teasing, the put-downs, the BULLYING.

when you find out that im different, you turn your back to your new supposed 'friend' just like the others.

you then also join in on the bullying,
'come on, help us tease this weirdo,' is what they call me. and so, you bully me.

while this happens, i am crying inside, breaking, tearing, shattering inside. did you hear that sound of breaking glass? that was my heart, it finally braked. are you happy now, now that my glass heart is nothing more than dust?

so what if i am different from you people? so? i'm unique, i'm different, just like every one else. we are all different from one another. so are you going to tease, bully your friends because they are different from you? are you? if you are, you should also bully yourself. there is no other same person as you in the whole world. we are just like snow flakes, there are no two same snow flakes.

so tell me, truthfully, are you going to tease, bully others because they are different from you? even if it means bullying yourself in the action... so what if we are different, i like beoing unique, but, i dont know about you....

everyone has to grow up sometimes. some people grow up way too early than they should, like me. people tell me i act more mature than a normal 18 year old. i did because i was treated differently than a 'normal' person should. there is no such thing as a 'normal' person. nothing is normal, everything is different from each other. even those that r like twins, they may look the same, but, they r different. as i was writing, people grow up when they r treated differently from others. i know im rambling, but it helps me get over my depression. im slowly gettin over that.

well, thank u all 4 listenin 2 a person who has a broken heart.... good day/ goodnight

i am very different from a lot of people here in my town and from my family, and yet, i am the same as them. i like things some people would not like and even disapprove of. i like reading yaoi stories and doujinshi. not many people even know what it means, if you do, good for you! if you don't and you don't like same sex relationships, then go on with your life and don't even read this if you don't like!

from what i know of about here in the North Slope, not many people even know of or like yaoi and yuri. i am friends of a few of them. not even my family knows i like yaoi. only a few friends even know what it means! i am a very personal person, don't even confide in people. you people are lucky that you are even knowing what i think. i don't ask for help a lot of the time for anything unless i have no choice in the matter.

as i was saying, i don't confide in my family that much, even my friends. but i wish so. i have a lot of genes saying that i am my families daughter alright. i have my mom's hair texture, my Kanayurak nose from my dad's side, my dad's height from his family, my dad's family famous temper when provoked, and some other things. i mostly look a lot like my dad's side than my mom's. but, i'm proud of it. i'm happy being a Kanayurak. my dad's family last name means something in my Inupiat or Eskimo language. it means Robin, i don't know why, but it does.

i am also a little bit more emotional than people here. i grew up being bullied till i was about 18 and 1 and a half months, which was not too long ago. i turn 19 in october this year. because of that, i changed from what my brothers and sisters grew up from, i'm more sensitive about a few things than other people at some things. that is why i am a very personal person, i am afraid that someone will use my personal liking against me and tease me about it and tell other people so they may also tease and bully me about it.i am not a very trusting person about meeting new people.

for a while, i was really depressed. because of that, i had some thoughts about ending the pain and hurt i felt; now, now i feel better than before. but i am still weary of new people i start to befriend. old habits die hard.

this is also the reason why my favorites in colors and songs are different. my favorite colors used to be orange and yellow, now, it's blood red and a dark ice blue. in music, i used to like to listen to happy like songs, now its a mixture. but mostly songs that are emotional and very meaningful.

i changed a lot, but it also made me stronger and more aware that life isn't easy. i would never change that for anything in the world. i don't like things being sugar coated, i would rather get the whole truth than some half truths.

this is who i am, how i changed; my name is Olive Sakik Kanayurak, and i am proud of my life....

for most of my life i've been hiding my feelings behind a mask so i wouldn't let my friends and family worry about me. i wasn't doing it because i don't want me to think they think i am weak, no, i did it because i know they will make sacrifices to make sure i will be okay. i just don't want them to bother. i want them to know i can take care of myself.

so, for years, i have been hiding behind a mask. i don't even know if it was my true feelings or fake ones from my mask, i don't know myself anymore...

who am i really? am i Olive S. Kanayurak, daughter of Flossie Kanayurak nee Akpik and Frederick Kanayurak. Younger to 3 sisters and 3 brother and older sister to a sister and brother? or am i Olive Kanayurak who is careless, selfless of what is happening in the world? where did i go?

these are the questions that are running through my mind when i think over what i am thinking or before saying something.

i am independent. i don't normally ask for help on anything except for when i don't understand something. this is just the way i am.

i have lots of friends in Atqasuk, AK. they are the ones i grew up with and will always be in tough one way or another. the days may be long or short, i will forget them someday. i barely even remember what my childhood was like.

i will least likely change. i am way to much of a loner to talk about my feelings. i like to learn things by myself.

people here hope that i will soon open my heart and tell them my feelings, i also hope that will happen someday... and that my mask that is made of steel will break when the time comes...

had anyone ever had trouble sleeping? I do, all the time. every night i lay awake doing either reading or watching TV. No matter what i do i can't go to sleep. it's getting on my nerves. i haven't tried sleeping pills because i don't want to go there when i am forced asleep. would rather sleep naturally then by some pill. i think the reason might be because of my emotions or something. I don't know, probably never will...

have a good night...

every time i listen to this song, it makes me want to cry. it reminds me of my loved ones here on Earth and up in Heaven. reminding me that in this violent world we live in, there is love and hope at every corner, that we will see our loved ones again someday in the future.

in this world, we do nothing but argue, fight, put down, call names, steal, break, tear, everything to hurt each other. i know a lot of people don't want to hear this, but you have to grow up someday. i had to grow up early on than what is supposed to be. a lot of people are like that, growing up way too early.

i admit, i come from a violent family, but we do it because we are VERY overprotective of each other. that is what i love about them, they care, they help, they be there when one of us need it. we are each others best friend, we look out for each one. we do it because we LOVE.

even in the darkest of night, there is some light shining somewhere in the horizon. that is the same for people's souls. not everyone is perfect, no one in this world ever is. no one here is NORMAL. we are different. it may be a cruel reality, but at least it's the truth than a lie dressed up pretty.

we are born in this world, we live in it, then we die on this world we had created from the very beginning. this is our life... even when we take it for granted in the end...

i always put my family and friends before me because i want them to be safe and happy. i care for them with all my heart and soul. i have a big family. i have 3 older sisters, 2 older brothers, 1 younger sister, 1 younger brother, 3 nephews, 1 niece, and 2 other nieces or nephews coming up. i also have a lot of aunties and uncles from both sides. i even have a lot of cousins around Alaska and some in the lower 48. even friends.i have my ways of keeping up with them.

i would have had another older brother, but he died when he was around a year old from a sickness that i thank was the chicken pox.

my parents like to spoil us a little bit, not too much for us to become a REALLY spoiled brat, but enough. my little sister has an iTouch and an iPad. and she's only 7! she mostly uses it for games. her and her niece. my niece is only around 5 years old.

i may know a lot of them, but i love them. i always wish the best for them, always. when they need help, i try my best to help.

i always put my family and friends before me, always...

Ever since i was a little girl, I've been bullied. Even now, I'm still being called names, thrown stuff at, talked about behind my back, and it still keeps going on even though my older brothers, older sisters, and parents talk to the kids or the kids parents. I kept my emotions hidden deep in my heart, so no one may know what i truly feel. I put up fake smiles, laughter, and some fake emotions on my face and actions.

That all ended when my Grandfather died at the end on July and some others too. Their death caused some cracks on the walls I made around those emotions and I exploded at some stupid kids that were throwing rocks at me. I lost it. I then started thinking of suicide until a friend of mine and her little brother visited here for a while. I had to leave a couple days after for a camp I singed up for. While I was away, a relative of mine asked me if I called my parents, I said no. She then looked sadly at me. That got me curious on what happened.

Later, I called my mom and asked her if anything happened. She told me my friends little brother and his and mine cousin had been found dead from drowning by the river not too long far from my village.

I couldn't believe it. I broke down crying right in front of my fellow campers. None of them noticed, i was sobbing without making a sound. Then my new friend, Tim, noticed something was wrong. I still had a grip on my emotions, when he asked what was wrong, I broke down. I sobbed on his shoulders while he was holding me. He was shocked, he didn't expect me to do that. When I calmed down I told him what happened. I went to the room I was sharing with another new friend.

Not too long after that, by the school, some kids thought it was funny to call me names and throw rocks at me. I yelled at them, told them I was thinking of ending my own life. I didn't. I never hurt myself. Thought that the pain my never go away, so I dropped those thoughts.

A few weeks after school started again, I let slipped about my thoughts. The school councilor told my parents and my family was sad when they found out. My mom cried and my older brother Vernon came and hugged me. They both told me that they will always love me.

After that, I slowly got over the thoughts, but the depression, the felling of being lonely, and loveless still there. But I hope to be over them soon...

life will always be short in our minds, when in fact it is very long. we are born, we grow up, we live with friends, family, lovers, and strangers. and yet, in the end, we die.

here is a question that a lot of people might have.
what IS there after death? where do our souls go to?

a saying that i have read somewhere is: Death is just another adventure. if it is then we live on.

the reason why i write this is because of some friends and my Aapa(grandfather) died a few months ago. i miss them, miss them so much that i almost have a constant pain in my heart.

this is for you, my friends little brother who was only around the age 14 or 15 but taller then me when i am 18; for my relative, David, who was an adult and around the age 25 or so; and last but not least, my grandfather, last of my grandparents, Henry Kanayurak. he was getting sick not too long after, but a few days before his birthday, he decided it was time for him to move on and be with his wife, my Aaka(grandmother), Olive.

so, this is me saying, i love you guys and me and your family misses you. rest well...