all those nights along the highway all those lights leading you back to my place sitting in your car driving long we drove so far jamie dont go home tonight jamie i just need your arms around me so tight another day another heart ache i go to work and im not okay every day leading nowhere till i see you then i just dont care jamie dont go home tonight jamie i just need your arms to hold me tight maybe one of these days you'll walk in through that door you'll say im home now and i wont miss you anymore jamie dont go home tonight jamie without you life just don't seem right maybe i cant live without you i dont know what it is that i love about you but jamie dont go home tonight jamie
lastnight i dreamed i was in heaven but you werent there there were a million smiling faces but why should i care for all the happiness and joy my soul still felt weak and destroyed heaven couldnt be enjoyed without you everywhere i looked were angels and deep blue skies but there were no stars and no peace there and then i cried you were the only one i loved and though id gone to live above there was no peace without your love without you i wandered lonely and heart broken and then i prayed i knelt before the holy alter weak and dismayed i couldnt bare to leave your side and there was nowhere left to hide the sorrow that i felt inside without you and so i came back down to see you and you'd moved on you had a wife and two sweet children for i was gone and when i looked into your eyes you couldnt see me by your side you looked away and then i sighed without you you had to live your life without me and who could blame a man for needing someone for him to take his name i turned my face back to the sky i knew you needed love like i and i'd just have to wait a while without you
when you hurt you know i feel it too and when you cry it cuts me through your tears all fall like acid rain and i just want to stop the pain you turn away and you wont speak your eyes are tired, red and weak i'll hold you so you know im there to share your pain because i care later when you fall asleep i'll sit there quietly and weep because i know your heart is breaking when i can feel that mine is acheing i'll never let you see me cry i'll be there to wipe your eyes because i love you i am strong and i will be there right or wrong sometimes i'll feel like crying too when your heart has mended new and there you'll be to share my pain untill i'm feeling strong again i say these things to let you know that i'm never going to let you go because loving you is worth the pain time and time and time again.
After a further two, three, maybe four glasses of wine she felt as though her head were made of iron and her body was light as a feather. She sat for a moment trying to gather her thoughts, but as with most drunken thoughts they were fleeting and made little sense. He now sat in the chair beside her. She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes in desperation as the room began to spin and sway each time she moved. His hand traced the skin on her cheek, they were cool. He raised her head with the tips of his fingers beneath her chin and kissed her softly. The noisy roar of the crowd had now faded into white noise and the bright lights from the bar seemed like no more than the headlights of a car far off in the distance. Soon she found herself in the back of a taxi, it was dark and the swaying and bumping as they travelled (to where exactly she was still unclear) was beginning to make her feel sick. She raised her head and tried to focus her eyes. Then she asked the driver to stop and he put on his breaks fast enough for her to feel as though she would have fallen forwards had she not been wearing her seatbelt. After a short moment of fumbling she opened the car door, accidently falling onto the side of the road where they had stopped. Her stomach wrenched and knotted to the point where she could no longer control it. Once her stomach was empty she felt two arms around her waist pull her up and place her in the taxi. What felt like seconds later his hand stroked her face and he lifted her up out of the taxi once more. Her body felt weak and heavy now as he carried her inside and upstairs where she found herself upon a large bed covered with white linen sheets that were cool and refreshing. She began to drift into a sleep and just at that moment she heard someone walk into the room but her eyes were heavy and tired so she lay there in silence and let herself continue to drift further until she felt a cool hand brush away the hair from her face. She opened her eyes, and though unable to see clearly she recognised his face before her. Their lips met again. He sat back towards the edge of the bed and removed her black knee length boots, for which she was grateful, as they were severely uncomfortable, as most women’s shoes tend to be. Then, ever so gently, he removed her jeans and her sweater, leaving her almost naked except for her underwear. He then sat beside her and lifted her body to pull back the soft linen sheets which he carefully arranged around her shoulders to make sure she would not be cold. Already undressed down to his boxers he climbed in beside her and with his arms around her watched her breathing in a sleepy shallow way. Her skin was hot to the touch and he wished to possess her. He wished to behold her flesh in the shallow light of the moon and press his fingertips to her lips and consume her intense warmth with his body with his hands, his tongue and every member of his being. She stirred as his hands breached her thighs. She awoke the next morning alone. The cool blue light of the November dawn cast a pallid complexion across the room. She looked about for her companion, but he was nowhere to be seen and she could hear nothing outside the heavy oak door. Then realising the absence of her clothes she glanced about for them and saw them neatly arranged over the side of a wash basket in the far corner of the room. She got up and felt cold and self-conscious walking about the room with not a stitch of clothing to hide her shame and lifted her clothes from where they lay. Holding them up to the light she realised the extent of her drunkenness the night before. Her jeans were smeared with dirt at the knees and her shirt had what appeared to be a large stain from a spilled drink of some kind as well as a noticeable clinging scent of vomit. She could not wear these to work. What was she to do? Should she call in sick? She wandered. Just as she thought this the door opened behind her with a loud groan. Turning to meet his gaze she now felt ashamed and embarrassed as she tried to conceal herself behind the grubby clothes that she still held with both hands. ‘Yeah, I wouldn’t wear those if I were you...’ he said in an almost casual sort of way then continued ‘I have some stuff you can wear if you’d like, but you’ll have to be quick, we’re leaving in ten’ She nodded timidly and followed him to another room where he handed her a black shirt and a pair of jeans. She began to dress and as she did she looked at him, her lips saying nothing but her eyes pleading for him not to watch. Seeing her reticent expression he turned and left in silence. Standing now facing each other on the train they both seemed more real somehow. His messy black hair now seemed greasy, he was unshaven and still had the look of someone just risen from their bed about him. She became suddenly aware of the clinging scent of alcohol and vomit on her breath. She rustled and fumbled in her handbag for a pack of gum from which she removed no less than three pieces and then briefly met his eyes as she offered him the remaining two. He was so calm. His face offered no feeling, no indication as to what he felt about the night before. Perhaps he was indifferent to it entirely? She thought to herself. No. Surely he must have thought something of it all, but she did not dare ask him. They ascended the steep hill towards the office in silence. Her mind was screaming and yet not a word could she find. Should she thank him? Should she apologise? Should she make light of it? She wished he would say something, anything. As they stood outside the front door to the tall building she realised that she still had no idea what time it was. Searching in her bag once more and finding her phone she read the face, 06:34am it mocked. She must have been asleep for no more than two hours when she had woken; she did not begin work until half past seven, although she surmised that by this time he was already four minutes late. They stood and smoked a cigarette. He finished half way and turned to her as if to say something, but only nodded and turned away again and began typing in the four digit code to the secured door. She watched wordless as his outline faded behind the frosted glass pane. What was she supposed to do now? She couldn’t possibly go up to the office, especially not straight after him, it would be far too conspicuous. It was half past six, the shops were not yet open and there were no parks or public greens in this vast concrete jungle. She resolved finally that she would have no choice but to hide away somewhere in the back streets, lest she be seen by a commuting colleague or worse from the office window. As she walked past the vacant shops and salons she caught her reflected profile staring back from behind the dark glass. She was pale, her mascara had run slightly under each eye and her hair was messy and she had no comb with which to restore it to its proper place. She found an alley way with a row of concrete bollards which she decided would be the most comfortable place she would find to sit or at least lean until she could return to the office bulding. Once five or ten minutes had passed she began to realise how cold she was, she had not noticed before when she was walking but now the hairs on her arms all stood to attention and she shivered violently inside and out. Why was she not wearing a jacket? The cold was now becoming a pain in her fingertips and she resolved that she would have to go into the office building. She would sneak inside without anyone seeing and hide in the ladies lavatory. There she would stay until it was time to begin work. Now in the stall she decided she would try to make herself at least partially presentable. She pulled a compact from her bag and examined her eyes. As she struggled with a piece of tissue dampened at the tip with saliva to clean away the smudged mascara she saw how bloodshot her eyes were, so pronounced were the masses of tiny red blood vessels that from a distance her eyes looked entirely pink. She could not cover this with makeup. She would need a story, a wild night out with some old college friends would probably suffice. Some would probably scorn the idea for being irresponsible and foolish to do during the working week, but it was by far more appealing than the truth. A loud click alarmed her, the cleaner was here. It must be nearly seven, she had fallen asleep leaning against the bright green wall of the toilet cubicle. As she tried to sit up and open her eyes they felt dry. ‘Why did I drink so much?’ she asked herself.
The day had been long and tiresome, the work drab and uninteresting, still there was the promise of tomorrow, a busier day, one that could keep a weary mind from straying. It was becoming harder and harder to concentrate as the months passed and the glances turned into more lingering looks. What did he want from her? Was it all just some passing fancy that took him and left as quickly as it came, or was it? It was difficult enough coming to terms with the messy end to a yearlong relationship following a month long visit from her now former lover. The pedestal she had held him on could not withstand the fire he had started and subsequently her love for him crashed and burned with it. Now this. One moment she is sure of her Life, secure in her job, engaged (if only briefly) to a man she was sure she loved wholeheartedly. The next she is looking at the wanted ads in the back of the paper for something new, not knowing what exactly she was looking for. She was embracing hidden moments of unspoken desires with this man, this walking mystery wrapped in an enigma whose eyes spoke of nothing but darkness and intensity. Her life seemed no longer her own. Her studded heels clicked on the brickwork pavement like a drum beating to the inescapable rhythm of her misery as a few sporadic drops of rain fell from the sky. Her bag felt heavy on her shoulder and she struggled not to trip as she leaned sideward to adjust the strap. You might imagine at this point that she is on her way home, as did she at the time, her feet sore, her back aching and her heart both, this would be no way to begin any enjoyable evening, and that much would remain true. Turning the corner she saw the face she had so longed to see, her heart suddenly seeming lighter she smiled and outstretched a weary arm in greetings. Across the road, opposite the corner on which she was now standing, there he was. He was a vision. He swept his hair back against the cold breeze and her heart began to dissolve in his gaze. He waved his arm and beckoned her to cross over the road. Without a moments pause she stepped onto the busy road perilously close to the many passing motorists and almost running to avoid a collision as she sped towards him. Walking towards her he smiled jestingly as she caught her breath and fumbled in her pockets for a pack of cigarettes. She pushed the hair away from her face as she placed the cigarette to her lips and took a light from the silver lighter he proffered towards her. As she drew in the bitter smoke he placed his hand over her own to shield the flame that flickered in the wind, she focused her gaze to the flame but she could feel his eyes on her all the while, and the warmth of his hand against her own which were beginning to tremble, maybe with the cold of the evening air or maybe just the desire to return his touch. Exhaling deeply she glanced upwards to meet the warm smile. Her excitable child like ways never failed to make him smile. Her hair was messy from her dash across the road but even still she seemed to exude a simple kind of beauty. Like a child she would take little persuasion to follow him to their secret hideout, and then the game would begin again where they had last left off. As usual he ordered her a large white wine and brought it to the table he had reserved before he left and waited outside to meet her. The timing of this was of great importance, one minute in the wrong direction and he would not catch her. Once she came to him they would linger outside briefly and then wander inside to the warmth of the corner they frequently shared. Then he would sit opposite her and for a moment as he removed his coat there would be a silence. He was always the first to speak and he didn’t care to rearrange this particular order of events that had become so customary and so the game began. Their conversations always began the same way. ‘Good day?’ ‘Yeah not bad, you?’ ‘same old same old really, just the usual...’ it was difficult for her to separate these worlds, the office world where she suddenly became invisible as she walked through the door each morning and the outside world where she could be seen, where he would speak to her, a world where she could forget herself. As she came close to finishing her cigarette she glanced across the road and began figuring what time the next train home would be. It was in half an hour, she wasn’t looking forward to sitting in the cold of the station amidst crowds of noisy commuters on mobile phones and reckless teenagers fooling around on the edge of the platforms shrieking. Then she felt a hand tap her lightly on the shoulder to grasp her attention. She turned back to face her companion. ‘There’s a drink waiting for you in there’ he smiled wryly as she pawed his arm playfully ‘you’re going to get me into trouble...’ she rimed wagging her finger. He knew just how to play her. The sweetness of his smile, the playful way he mocked her and the way that he always seemed to know when she’d had a bad day. ‘So, how are things with you these days...’it was a vague and polite question, something with witch to break the silence most delicately and unobtrusively. ‘Not bad, same as every other day really’ she stated with a mild laugh. Something in the way he looked at her always seemed to give the impression that he knew what she was really thinking, although he never mentioned it. She glanced about the room awaiting further conversation and he began to talk about the summer party he was planning for the office. He was an interesting person to listen to, if only for the sweetness of his voice and the glorious shape of his lips when he spoke. She played with her hair and he gestured to her hand as she did so. She stopped. He laughed ‘why do you do that?’ looking slightly puzzled ‘I don’t know really, I just find it calming I guess’ she said with a smile. ‘You do that quite a lot don’t you? And you run your fingers across your collar bone a lot too’ His gentle laugh was intoxicating as he mimicked her actions. She wandered for a moment how often a person would have to watch someone to notice such things. They continued to talk for a while as they drank and then went outside for another cigarette. ‘So, how are things with you the misses these days?’ she said, trying to conceal the grin that came when his phone rang the arrival of a text message that was clearly unwelcome. He smirked briefly and then looking at his phone said ‘she’s not my misses’ ‘Could’ve fooled me’ she laughed ‘I just meant, are you still together, getting along, you know....’ ‘You have a lot to learn’ he said in a somewhat more serious tone. She didn’t question him further, she felt that perhaps there were things she was better off not knowing, or perhaps she just didn’t care to. By this point I’m guessing you’ve realised, he’s not single.
you say the nights i say the days you say you're rght i know your ways you'll never give up you'll let me down you'll say you'll take me there and leave me hanging around because earth and heaven above you god knows im sorry i love you but you were the best mistake of my life you picked me up then we went out i paid my way and without a doubt when you drove me home i kissed you goodnight then it was over i lost the fight because earth and heaven above you god knows im sorry i love you but you are the best mistake of my life you snore in your sleep keep me awake and i've lost count of the time that it takes for you to get home you're always back late you drive me insane doing things that i hate but earth and heaven above you god knows im sorry i love you but you are the best mistake of my life and all these things that i say dont mean a thing anyway because earth and heaven above you god knows how couldn't i love you because you are the best thing in my life
my eyes were dry and the cieling seemed to be moving in a most peculiar way. my hand waved limply searching to my left bedside drawer. "it's not there anymore" simon's voice was booming and unwelcome. "simon, first of all why are you still here and secondly where is my water bottle?" "okay, we'll play it your way then. firstly im here because believe it or not i care about whether you might choke to death on your own vomit, secondly your silver springs bottle full of vodka is happily on it's way to the tip with the rest of the crap i threw out of your hovel while you were comatosed" although his tone was light and mocking his face was plain and serious. i rubbed my eyes and pulled back the duvet and felt a harsh chill stab my body. i looked up at simon as i held my heavy head, he looked pale and dark blue circles crept around his eyes. it looked as though he hadnt slept in a year. "im sorry simon" my words fell in the air and seemed to dissolve like sugar in weak tea. "you're always sorry afterwards, it never seems to stop you going back for more though does it?" i wasn't sure if the swelling in my stomach was guilt or sickness, but i didn't like it. "you dont look to good" simon held my chin as he inspected my eyes and face. "you dont look so hot either" i retorted "and your hands are chuffing freezing" i raised my arm to pull his hand away from my face and he grabbed my wrist firmly. "stop doing this to yourself" his brow lowered and his eyes were sad and dark like an october sky. "doing what? im fine, it's just a hangover" i sighed. "you know what im talking about bec, stop lying to yourself. this isn't healthy" there came a knock at the door and i hauled my body up from my bed, simon glanced at me through the corner of his eye and walked into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. the knocking continued, loud and rapid followed by a familliar voice through the letter box. "becca! becca! are you home? it's doctor jay! are you there?!" his tone was of the friendly and concerned nature that only casual aquaintenses can muster. opening the door i saw doctor jay, holding his suitcase above his head to shelter himself from the rain. he was a pleasantly tanned man, originally from malta and not particularly keen on the typicall brittish weather. his muscular arms shivered as he asked if he may come in. "yeh sure, you want a coffee or something?" he smiled his response as he wiped his feet dilligently before walking on the carpet. "how you feeling bec? everybodies been a little worried about you after lastnight" his smile remained but now seemed more forced than before, more cautious, perhaps even a little nervous. "i'd just had a bit too much to drink thats all, im okay, really" i mirrored his smile. "listen, i know it was your birthday but you really shouldn't drink like that while you're still on your meds" his dark eyes showed warmth and kindness. "i've stopped taking them" i knew what the response would be, but i'd stopped caring now.simon was right, it was time for the lies to stop. "becca, why, why when you were doing so well?" "those things were making me a god damn zombie, you know where that word comes from jay? it's a french word, it means brain dead. do you know what that feels like...being dead inside?" i swallowed hard as i tried to force my tears back. "just go jay, i'll be fine, i'll deal with it in my own way from now on, no more drugs" it was then he wrapped his strong arms around me and i realised just how truly weak i was. "bec, please let me help you. the drugs were just one option, what if i get you some therapy? i could call one of my friends, garth sheilds, he's a good guy?" his hands were warm on my back as he pleaded with me. "it's fine!" my temper now swayed between anger and panic as i pulled myself away from him. "simons taking care of me" doctor jay let out a sigh of despair as he pulled me to his chest again in a tighter embrace, he kissed my hair and his breath ran warm down my neck. "becca, simon can't take care of you anymore" he said slowly and more calmly than the trembling in his chest suggested he really was. "becca, why wont you let me in? i just want to help you, i can take care of you" i couldn't see his face right then, but i knew he was crying. part of me believed him. he was right, he could take care of me, he was a doctor after all. he was the one who had been trying to help me. i wasn't stupid, i knew i had a problem and he was there for me. simon wasn't reliable, where was he for the last fortnight? "i know simon doesn't have a good track record jay, i'll admit that, but i need him right now. he knows i need him now and he's come back to look after me" i tried my best to sound calming without being patronising. i'd never realised just how much he actually cared about me. he looked me in the eyes. his own, still wet, were now heavy with despair.a strange kind of mist seemed to consume the kitchen in gloom and the weight of the news he bore in the next few words nearly crushed me. "simon never came back becca" his face was serious and concerned. "what are you on about? he's in the bathroom right now" he took my hand and walked me towards the bathroom door. as he knocked it the door fell ajar. it was empty but for a few towels and a pile of unwashed clothes. next to the sink was an empty silver springs bottle. "he probably just nipped out after you got here, big deal" a sickening feeling was swelling in my stomach again. my head pounded furiously and beads of sweat trickled down my cheek dripping off my chin. "no, he came back, he was here, he came back!" i screamed and pounded at jays chest with arms that felt about as usefull as two lengths of wet string. he stood there with patience and let my grief take it's course. the fact of the matter was, simon had never came back. he had died nearly a year ago when we went to the faulklands, in my arms on the 7th of june 1982. he was just twenty years old and one of the 258 brittish soldiers killed. he could have been anyone, but he wasn't he was simon tann and i was responsible for him.....and for his death. memories of the coffin draped in glorious red white and blue came floodimg back into my mind. where was the glory on that battle field? now with all that was left of my broken mind and my broken heart the only thing my existance would everstand for was that wars can be won with guns and violence,but someone always loses the battle in the end. (first short story i've done for a long time, please please please let me know what you think )
sitting in the damp smelling canteen, my hands (still bitter and red from the cool wind outside) trembled violently as they lifted the aneamic tuna sandwich from it's plastic casing. "where is everyone?" i thought aloud, as i often did, preferring to talk to myself than anyone else and not expecting an answer. taking a long weary slug from my half empty hip flask i heard the sound of a strangely familliar voice. "they've all gone" came the answer from the shadow behind the door. "simon....?" i hesitated a moment "..is that you?" a short ringing silence pierced my ears. "how did you know it was me?" he laughed sarcastically, his grinning face emerging into the light. "i could have been anyone..." his voice trailed off. "how come everyone's gone already?" i questioned with a solemn and expectant countenance, still not sure of exactly why i felt so uneasy with the idea of the place being empty of life. it wasn't as unusual as you might think, many a night i worked untill everyone else had left, but it wasn't that late and something about it just didn't seem quite right. "well i couldn't say exactly where they've gone, but pretty much everyone left not long after i got here" his casual expression was calming.i thought a moment longer, trying to collect my fractured work shodden mind into some kind of order. an unfortunate consequence of my career was that often life was much easier when taken with a nip of jack daniels (a trick i had mastered in the faulklands). lifting my flask to my lips once more i realised it was empty already, i would have to face the rest of this conversation alone. "speaking of which..." interrupting the silence "what the hell are you doing here simon?" it had just occurred to me, in a solitary moment of clarity, that simon had been AWOL for nearly two weeks now. as we spoke, at least two troops were scouring the lower east side and southern most ends of the caple creek forest searching for him. he had gone missing during a night training excersise and at first most of the troop, myself included, expected him to show up somewhere unexpected, no doubt in some kind of attempt to scare the wits out of the new recruits. it was only after the first full week that i thought something might be out of the ordinary. "just thought i'd drop in for a visit, see how you're doing." he searched for what it was he was really trying to say as his finger traced the rim of a polystyrene cup "looks like you're still hitting the booze a little too hard to be carrying that piece around with the safety off, if you ask me" he said in a flippant, non chalante, typically simon-esque way. now i was angry, he just dissappeared without a word and then rolls up expecting everything to just carry on as normal. as soon as anybody with rank caught sight of him he'd be done for. the penalty could be anything from dishonourable discharge to backstreet barracks justice for this swarthy deserter. "what do you know? don't start talking down to me from your high horse. i might have the odd drink but at least im here, at least i do my job! where were you? off galavanting, laughing it up were you? well i hope you had a great time, because when jimmy and sparks find out you're back after the little stunt you pulled, you'll be lucky if they don't kill you! and don't expect me to come to the rescue again, im sick of pulling you out of the **** pit!" simon looked at me shocked, i'd always been there after his stupid pranks, taking half the blame, carrying him. no more, i was tired of walking around with his dead weight slowing me down. "whats got into you?" he whispered, still horrified by my stern expression. "you and me, thats how it's always been. i screw up you save me, you screw up i save you...." he almost looked like he might cry, but i couldn't back down now. "name one time when you've saved me simon, just one time" i challenged him. "did you save me when we were in training together? no, thats right, you sabotaged my locker just before first inspection and had me put through six hours in the middle of winter putting on my kit, marching out onto the parade square and taking it off again" i paused as i sifted through years of torture trying to find the most treatchourous of simons previous misdemenours. "or maybe, the time we had war games and you thought it would be hillarious to put a live round in my rifle, someone could have been killed! but did you care? no, you thought it was great fun to watch sparks wailing like...like...well i don't know what like, but i know you werent taking any of the beasting i got" looking at simon now i saw exactly why none of what i'd just said mattered in the slightest. when it came down to it i loved him. he was wrekless and foolhardy, but no matter what i tried to tell myself i couldn't help feeling responsible for him. crossing the parade square arm in arm we saw lights in the distant windows of the housing quarters, which was odd enough in itself, as i was the only one who lived there through the weekends, but there was something else too. "is that music?" i turned and looked thoughtfully at simon. "you've really forgotten, haven't you?" he said, searching my face. "it's your birthday Becca, the section are having a do for you" his expression was stern but sarcastic. stunned at the realisation of having forgotten my own birthday i decided we should pick up the pace. i must have been about an hour late at least. the door snapped shut briskly behind us and i was greeted by the cheering of many a merry soldier, who hugged and petted me warmly, wishing me a happy birthday.tears welled in my tired eyes. having been here for over an hour (waiting for me) most of them were already merrier than father christmas, which was fortunate for simon as nobody seemed to notice him. i still couldn't believe the guts simon had, i mean, to walk in there and risk being seen after his little stunt, it would have been almost admirable if he werent such a prat. "maybe you should take it easy bec, thats your fourth you know, or had you already lost count?" for someone so wrekless with his own life, simon was becoming a real killjoy. "it's my party and i'll drink if i want to..." i sang at him through the neck of a half empty beer bottle. "bec, do you see anyone else acting like that?no, you're drunk and you're making a damned fool of yourself" he growled. why was he being so boring?! jesus, he was staring to sound like my bloody mother. "you know what simon?" i said, lightgeartedly. "what?" "maybe you should have a drink and while you're at it take a ****ing chill pill. you're so bloody boring, no wonder nobody bloody wants to speak to you!" as harsh as it was, it was inescapably true. the more hours that passed the more obvious it was that simon was not simply going unnoticed, he was being blatantly ignored. "thats it, you're going home" simon pulled at my arm. "oh am i now? thats funny, because last time i checked i was a grown up, oh well...." i paused, taking a deep breath as i stared at simon contemptuously and threw myslef to the floor in a child like tantrum. the look on his face now was not one of concern or anger, but one of total and utter disgust, but what happened next was even more unbearable. i noticed once my fits of laughter subsided that i was apparently the only one who was in on the joke. a crowd now stood around the edges of the room watching, some were sloping out of the door trying to avoid eye contact. the music was gone now and nobody was cheering for me.
So many loves i thought i had Each one caused me endless pain Feeling solemn, sweet and sad Trying to forget their names Each one lied a lovers lie One that burned so brutally That though so many tears i cry Each one i cry so futilely Did noone tell them it's a sin to lie and break another's heart, To know them well, outside and in and then to suddenly depart? Oh saints, oh god, oh please do tell Why is it that they hurt me so? Im sure i've served my time in hell Why then will my heart not let go? For want of love i've suffered this I never asked for much at all Just for one true lover's kiss Yet into this abyss i fall Someday my heart must end this search but untill then, i know love hurts.
i had a dream lastnight which stirred me from my sleep i woke up in a sweat and many tears my eyes did weep i dreamt i went to heaven and saw the angels there the pearly gates were glorious but then, why should i care? i knew as i did gaze upon those golden bars that never would they open to a heart so black and scarred i gave a sigh and waitied but no greeting for me came no sign of st.peter and no one knew my name i waited and i wandered i watched them all go by but there was nothing there for me not for the likes of i i watched the angels laughing i heard the choirs song and then they all came back to me the things i'd done so wrong each tear i caused was like a flood that rained upon me then if only i could go back now and make it right again i saw each one i loved and felt them torn apart and what an acheing feeling right then did fill my heart i knelt upon the skies and hung my head in shame my tears fell through the clouds and poured like autumn rain oh please god forgive me! my cries went out, and then on my shoulder was the hand of a mutch loved, long lost, friend i gazed into his face and my eyes wept no more he lifted me up with his hand and all my burdens bore oh lord, i said, im sorry i wish it could be changed each awful deed, a picture that i could rearrange i'd make it right lord if i could i swear it, thats no lie but i know theres nowhere for me now 'least not in heaven's sky then it was he spoke to me and said 'i know your heart' i saw then in that moment i was given a new start he told me that he died to forgive me every sin then he opened up the gate and said 'my child, come in...' so there it was that i did wake with tears worth more than gold and swore that i would never break the promise i had told.
the winding melody in the air gave birth to writhing passions amourous discontent a pressing urge for flesh and fantasy my lips quivered my nostrils flooded with it's sweet fragrance beneath my skin, my blood still running cold now swept with fury and lust the rhythmic pulsation of the crowd their mortality their frailty i stood in the shadows my gahstly face obscured by forgiving darkness i watched them how they danced the bitter tang of sweat began to ooze into the night and then i saw her glorious and apple cheeked her auburn hair swept across one shoulder revealing her delicate neck she came closer a metallic tang filled my mouth as i reached out i could hear her heartbeat fast and wild her eyes flashed she screamed then there was silence the world began to turn more slowly each mouthfull of her blood i drank with divine pleasure her body became limp and her pulse slowed she lay there on the floor she moaned and writhed her eyes rolled back in bliss my cool hands grazed her thigh and she opened to me i felt myself warmed by her intimate embrace as my body swayed she grew louder the white of my teeth now stained blood red penetrated her once more then all was still with one final passing moan she was gone her blood still lingered on my toungue.
i stood there expectantly he passed it to me then i didn't think it was a watch a mug or parker pen so many of my questions had gained so many clues so when i opened up the box like i already knew i paused a moment just before i opened up my eyes and pictured then the ring that i thought lay still inside a pretty, dainty solitaire made from yellow gold there could be nothing prettier or so i have been told for there it was when at a glance i saw there--not a ring the most peculiar feeling what i saw right then did bring a pair of silver earrings of most peculiar style sat inside the little box and left me speechless for a while not enamoured or in awe dumfounded by the sight or dazzled by their twinkleing beneath the parlours light i thought of all the clues again how could i be so wrong of something i was so sure of for now so very long he watched for my expression one of joy it seemed but all that i could think of was is this how much i mean? two little silver earrings to express your love so true i know it would have been a ring my dear if i were you.
It had been a long and arduous day. The rain ticked and splattered on the shop windows. Where was she going? Home of course, where else? Oh, but one wouldn't hurt, she thought to herself, just the one and then off home, the train would be late today. The local barflies hung around, humming their same old conversations, drawling on about nothing in particular. What a waste of a life she thought to herself, sitting in the same old bar every day. She liked to watch them all the same. The sight of them in their wrinkled clothes with their unkempt hair and unshaven faces, what a sorry sight they are, she would chortle quietly. sooner or later he would appear, as he did most days, looking for her as he opened the door, cautious of the men on stools quietly making love to their pints. He would see her, they would talk, and then she would finish her drink and leave, of course. As predicted there he came, through the doors searching for her, though all the while knowing exactly where she would be. He smiled and approached. sitting on the seat to her right and folding his jacket in a slap shod sort of way he asked about her day. When she spoke to him he seemed to listen, though she was almost certain he could not have cared less about whatever it was she had to say. His eyes always searched her body, as though for wanting some answer to some secret she was unaware he had heard of. This made her slightly uncomfortable to begin with, but over time she had come to accept it as his way. Entering the bathroom she felt warm and heady. Pressing her face to the tiles for comfort. She often took pleasure in the solace provided by the two doors that separated her from the drone of the barflies. Looking into the mirror she saw her makeup had begun to fade and bleed in places. She attempted to fix it with a dampened tissue, but each time she approached the mirror to examine herself she seemed blurred somehow, i must get my eyes examined she thought. Walking back into the bar she stumbled and fell, some stupid person put their chair in front of me, how inconsiderate! She glanced about sharply at those to left and right of her, trying to identify the guilty party, but to no avail. Looking up she saw her companion, a slight grin adorned his otherwise placid face, he must think me such a fool she thought, a jester perhaps! ha ha. Are you alright? he asked her, still seeming somewhat amused. She grimaced. He had ordered her another glass, just what she needed to cool down and unwind from her embarrassment. How thoughtful of him. As he slipped the glass carefully into her hand his fingers caressed her own quite purposefully. His eyes still searching her as he moved closer, she could feel his hand pressed to her shoulder. As his hands slid up her dress, lifting it over her head and arms gazing at every passing inch of her body against the blood red sheets. Her pale skin, soft and warm, the soothing motherly curve of her hips, the rise and fall of her gentle breathing chest, the steady flow of blood passing through the vein in her neck like a small drum beat and the way her lips slightly parted when her eyes firmly closed. A sight he enjoyed often. He lifted her limp body from the waist and removed her underwear. Her lips were wet and inviting when he kissed them. When she woke alone with the sunlight burning through the curtains, filling the room with a pink glow, her head throbbed, her back ached and her mouth was dry and potent. A faint and lingering scent of Guinness hung in the cold air. Oh god where am i? She searched for some familiar place or object, then he appeared and all at once she became suddenly aware of her nakedness. You should get dressed, he said, pointing to a chair covered partially by her sprawling of clothes, we'll be leaving in about fifteen minutes. Then he was gone. Each time the train jerked uneasily around a corner or bend she felt her insides writhing with discontent. They did not speak, he no longer searched for any hidden secrets, and his gaze met only that of the speckled linoleum floor. It had been a long and arduous day. The rain ticked and splattered on the shop windows. Where is she going? Home, of course....