I've always loved to get to know new people. This week will be extraordinary, though. I will be meeting my dear Polish friend for the first time. I'll also meet 24 Finnish girls from another site I visit frequently. And then, I'll meet one of Rhea's (my Polish friend) Finnish friends as well.
I know some of these people quite well, because I've followed their conversations quite a long while (two years actually), but some of them I know very little about.
It's scary and exciting at the same time. I feel small and humble somehow. I fear that I will say stupid things again... and because of Rhea, we all have to speak English in that 24-girls-meeting. And I know they will forget to do that. And I know Rhea will get tired at some point. And I know it's not going to be easy for me either.
I get easily tired around people. It has something to do with the way I feel, how much I feel. I love people very easily. It's easy for me to share the love inside me... but it also tires me.
Hopefully I have enough strength for Saturday. I won't be online much this week. I'm going to spend a lot of time just staring at Rhea. I'll meet her for the first time in less than six hours. It's amazing.
My friend, she's all right.
And I'm sick. I hold it inside me, and when it comes out... I get sick. I've always been like this when it comes to stress. I keep it inside as long as I have to endure it, and then, when everything is over... I let go.
And get sick. *laughs*
My Polish friend is coming to Finland on next Monday. She's staying a week. I cannot believe how happy that makes me. She's one of those special people. I was patient with her. I stayed close to her for two years. I let her have her distance. And finally, she opened the door. We are close. I think I'm closest with her (not counting my husband). She's very special.
Oh, just thank you everyone. It helped me. It did. You are so kind. *hugs*
It's quiet before storm. This feeling.
I never want to get that phone call, never want to hear those words. "She did it." I don't want to read any messages from her. I don't want to listen to her. I don't want to know how unable to live she is.
I don't want to know.
It's impossible to carry someone who hasn't chosen to live. Who hasn't said: "I will do the work. I will find a way. I will survive." She hasn't decided and that means she cannot survive.
She will always send me messages. She will always call me. She will always tell me that this is the last time. She cannot continue. This is the last time.
Is this the last time?
Is she dead now?
Will I get that call?
Will I be able to take it?
Or is she going to continue doing this? Over and over and over again until we are all too tired of it. Will I stay close like I've always done? Can I be there for her, knowing that she cannot survive unless she makes that decision?
I will. I can. Always. That's the deal. Stand by you, till the very end. I will. I will.
I'm quiet. So very quiet. Waiting for that one last call.
I feel like sharing.
Oh, I so wish I could give you all the happiness in the world. Whenever I feel like this, it's so overwhelming, and I would just love to be able to give it away. I'm so full of love and happiness. I wish I could give it to you, all of it. That would be a dream come true. To be truly able to share that beautiful feeling, to be able to give it away completely.
I can only show my love. My actions speak my love. My words speak my love. My eyes speak my love. That's it. I cannot take that love into my hands and give it to you.
Someone needs it a lot more than I do. Someone is always sad. Someone is always broken. Someone is always hurt. I would love to be able to ease that pain. Sometimes it's enough when I give my hand, "Take it. I'll be here for a while." But sometimes, it would be better if I really could remove my heart from my chest and give it away. "Take it. You need it more."
My best friend could use my heart. She could use my strength. I wish I could give that to her.
*hugs to all who need it*
I'm working on my novel day and night. Yesterday evening, before going to sleep, I was unable to stop all the information that poured over me. It was wonderful. I'm not creating anything; the story is telling itself to me. It feels wonderful.
I'm also unable to find the connection between some of my characters. How will Karan meet Olive and Darian? On a boat? I guess so. At least I have his name already. "Hugo" is a completely different story. She's a little sprite. But how is she going to find her way into the group that's the centre of this adventure? I have no idea. Hmm...
And gosh, I have no idea how I'm going to pull this off. Seriously, I have so much to learn. Olive is a manipulator, so I need to study strategy. The whole world differs from ours. It's a completely different solar system. The mythology of that world is different. Magic can make other things work, but others… well, it’s just so complicated. And all the races have different religions. And I feel overwhelmed by all this.
I find it so hilarious that Red Ladies can be either gender…
Seriously, if I’d known writing your own book is so much fun, I would have started a lot earlier. *laughs*
And then there’s all the transportation systems, and old magic that is dying, and modern cities that are old and broken. Oh, and just how am I supposed to know how countries are ruled?
I am so excited. I am so frigging excited!!
Separate names with a comma.