For three days, I spent the evening with a wonderfylly kind, gentle, young man. Very innocent and nervous. I feel so safe and paceful with him. I felt so peaceful that I thought I could finally, safely, send a message to my ex saying that I forgive him for everything he did wrong, and that I hoped he could find it in his heart to forgive me for what I did. He responded with pure anger and hatred, blamed me for everything that went wrong. I tried leaving him so many times, but he always guilted me into staying, and he hates me for how long he put up with me. He said I desvered everything he did to me and he desvered none of it, no matter how many times he lied to me, no matter how many times he took everyone's side in a conflict but mine, no matter how many times he would never stand up for me or take five seconds to think about how I felt.
I thought I could try again to not have to be alone. I thought I was ready, but I'm not. I desvere to be alone. It will upset this new friend, but it will only hurt him more in the long run if I don't cut things short now.
Over the last few months, I have been feeling very lonely, and getting more and more depressed. One of the reasons: nobody seems to want me around. Sure, I get invited to the parties. I've been to four since September. The only time I ever went to more was when I was living in residence at school and half of the parties were in rez. It's the every day stuff I miss. Having dinner with friends, going to shopping, hanging out at a friend's house and watching TV. I got a little of that last year, but it stopped around September. People tell me they're just busy. They have time for all their other friends, just not me.
One day, when I was in high school, I read a story in my class that impressed everyone. One girl offered to do my makeup for prom. I felt great. Then she talked to some other girls about going for ice cream after school. I suddenly didn't care about the makeup anymore. I wanted to be the person they wanted to come with them for ice cream. That sort of thing probably doesn't seem special to anyone else. Something as simple as lunch is more valuable to me than anyone could ever imagine.
I once asked a friend if I was ever going to be invited to learn how to play D&D. She made a whole bunch of excuses about how they already have enough people. They'd let me know. The next time someone who wasn't in her D&D group brought it up, she said that person should join them, no hesitation. I didn't want to believe that person was making excuses. Now, I don't know what to think.
When I was thirteen, a boy pointed out that I come on too strong. Until today, I thought I had fixed that. It was as simple as letting people know I was interested. But everyon knows. The whole world knows. Yet I still get excluded. Today, someone reminded me that I have a strong personality that scares people off. But I shouldn't change it. No of course, don't change who you are, even though it scares people away. Just find people who accept you for you.
I've tried. I've been trying my whole life to find these people. I don't know if they exist.
And please, anyone who feels the urge to give me advice, don't. You won't be telling me anything I don't know. I have been doing what everyone has told me my whole life. I still spend nearly every evening by myself.
This is getting depressing. I'm working with an employment service to help get me a job, but it's been more than two weeks and they haven't even begun to fulfill what I understood to be their part in the process. When I called them, they couldn't even tell me when they might actually start it. Twice, they have said they would call me, and I had to call them.
I have enough trust issues as it is. It doesn't help that they won't call me when they say they will. Worse, the two people I'm working with sound very apathetic when I talk to them on the phone. I'm at a loss for what to do. My life fell apart back in February. I can't get my independence back without a job.
Today I was reminded of why I want to move to a smaller city. I got so insanely lost, I thought I might cry when I finally got where I was going. But that would have made me even more wet than I already was. It's been raining non-stop since the June. Wandering around a part of Toronto I'd only been to once before this weekend, I got totally soaked.
The extra annoying part is that before my jacket dried out, I had to take the dog I'm taking care of for the weekend, for his walk.
The poor thing is so dumb, but sweet. His name is Elmo, fourteen, and gets lonely sometimes. The poor guy also has warts right now, so to keep him from licking and chewing on them, he's wearing one of those darn cones. At least we can take it off for his walks. Outside, he's too busy smelling things and finding places to pee to notice his skin problems.
I think the point I was getting at is that it's a lot harder to get lost in a smaller city. I lived in a small city for about 2 1/2 years and I didn't get lost after the first month and saw pretty much everything. So, yeah, Toronto is big and smelly. I want to move.
It's been six months. He's not over me. I've pretty much forgotten about him. I don't get upset when I work on my book about my time in residence, when I was dating him. I can look at his picture. I can even listen to romantic songs we liked to listen to together.
Today, I logged onto facebook and found that my jackass of an ex boyfriend had hacked into my account and not only changed my profile picture, and put some nasty things on my wall and in my status but also deleted all of my friends. Now I have a friend who thinks I'm overreacting and to her not showing up when we had plans to go to a movie and I didn't get the message on time that she would not be there.
I have lost so much this year. This morning, before I signed on, I was just a little upset because I had caused a glitch on the computer. Now, I don't know what to do. Should I ignore him? Should I tell him I know it was him?
I had moved on. I planned on going to a speed dating event next week to try to meet new people and maybe date again. Now, I am just so angry that I can hardly think. I didn't hate him before. As badly as it ended, I accepted it because I knew we were never right for each other to begin with. This is just too much. I hate him.
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