My last blog had gotten me thinking: do we, as humans, only want what we can’t have? Does it suddenly become more important?
As a kid, I wasn’t really allowed to eat sweets. I remember the first year that the Labor Day parade started coming down our street. I must have collected pounds of candy from along the front sidewalk, and that evening, attempted to eat it all in one sitting (and suffered a massive stomach-ache). I wanted that candy that I could never have so much that I literally engorged myself with it.
So, are my feelings for Shawn only strong because I know that we’re fated to only be friends?
Here’s how I see it: we only want what we can’t have because we enjoy the challenge. Humans are infamous for superiority. We want to be the best, to be number one (the king of the mountain if you will). We’re so consumed by the thought of this challenge that the task suddenly becomes the most important thing in the world. Our pride, our self esteem, our general sense of being will suffer if we fail.
In reality, nothing is really all that pivotal. Nothing really changed. Shawn didn’t magically transform into Prince Charming Saturday night. I had just realized that he’s not a serious relationship kind of guy and, like most girls, wanted to be the one to ‘change him’.
Everyone, at one point in their life, has wanted something that they know they can’t have. And then we’re surprised when we are unsuccessful.
September 12, 2009 - both the best and the worst night of my life.
I entered the homecoming dance slightly depressed. I had planned on asking my friend Austin to the dance, but found out that day taht he had already asked a sophomore and was now dating her. I frowned as he walked by me in line with his date. Well, this was going to be fun...
So there I am, standing alone off the corner of the dance floor, wondering how it all came to this: a senior whom boys were avoiding like the plague. Gazing over the dancing masses, I spotted my friend Kira and grinned. She takes classes over at the local community college, so I only see her on rare occassions. "Hey there Sam," she said, hugging me, "So, apparently no one knows who I am since I never come her for classes..."
Suddenly, Austin comes bounding up, having properly ditched his date. "Hello," he shouted, punching my shoulder. I winced. I hate it when he punches me.
"So what's going on there?" Kira asked me as Austin rushed off to find my brother. "Oh, just someone I was going to ask to homecoming," I replied. Kira raised an eyebrow. "Really? You can do so much better than him."
As if on cue, a hand slipped around my waist. "Hey," Shawn said, pulling me closer to him.
I grinned, "Hi there."
For the past three years I had had a crush on Shawn. Just last year, my best friend Alaina had apparently asked him how he felt about me. "I don't think we can ever be anything more than friends," was his susposed reply. So I got over him.
An hour later, after still not finding anyone to dance with, I spotted Shawn and my youngest brother sitting at a nearby table. "Scoot over Patrick," I urged, motioning. There were no more chairs left.
Shawn caught my eye. "Come sit over here," he shouted over the music, patting his knee. I politely declined. After having two boyfriends that only wanted to be physical with me, I flinched whenever anyone would get too close. I blamed it on a bubble problem, but I knew it was because my ex's crossed the line when i told them no. But after sitting there uncomfortably with Patrick, I began to reconsider. What the hell. It was only Shawn.
"I need to make words with you," Shawn shouted, and this time I went up and sat down on his knee. Leaning over and whispering in my ear, he said, "You and Alan need to dance." "No way!" I shouted, waving my arms, "Alan is my little brother's best friend!" "So?" Shawn asked, his right hand brushing my leg. "So, it's awkward!"
Suddenly, Shawn wrapped his arms around me. My breath caught, a shiver sent up my spine. Shawn was always flirting with me on the bus, maybe grabbing my knee or stroking my arm. But this...this was completely different. "It's just a dance," Shawn whispered, his breath brushing my ear. I shook my head, no.
Just then he shrugged me off of his knee. "Come on," he announced, shoving me gently in the direction of the dance flor. His hands once again slipped around my waist, and I found my hands effortlessly slipping around his neck. The dance felt like it only lasted seconds, and afterwards Shawn went off to talk to friends. I didn't see him again the entire night.
Kira came over to my side, pressing buttons on her camera. "I was trying to get a picture of Shawn with his arms around you," she explained, flipping through the memory, "But then you guys went off." I stood there, still completely dumbfounded. Shawn was a flirt, but I had never seen him act like that with another girl. He may dance with them, but anything else was out of bounds.
On the way home, having nearly forgotten about anything else that happened that night, I kept replaying that memory of his arms slipping around me. Maybe he likes me, I chanted over and over in my head wtih time to the memory. And then I frowned, glancing out the darkened window. Damn. I'd fallen for him again.
Should I Smile Because You're My Friend
Or Cry Because Thats All We'll Ever Be?
"For the next three weeks we're starting poetry..."
I'll admit it, when I heard these words from my creative writing teacher I groaned out loud. What do I have against poetry? Absolutely nothing.
I've never written poetry before. Sure, I've had english teachers trying to get me in touch with "my inner self" and express my feelings. But poetry, unlike other forms of writing, has never come easy to me.
My problem: where do you start? Poetry is so undefined that it's difficult to know where to begin. Does it need to rhyme? What about syllables? And the famous question: what should I even write about?!
I'm a perfectionist, so I'm always searching for the "perfect thing" to write about. About two days into the course I finally realized that this perfect idea does not exist. So, for my first poem ever, I picked the thing that spoke most to me. Something that I had always found fascinating:
Ink skims crisp white paper
Intertwining intricate lines
Life seeped into each word
Castles erected from crumpled parchment
Fairy wings glimmering with blue ink
Dawns smudged with grey lead
The snap of a pencil
The echo of a falling tree
A puddle of ink
A droplet of crimsom blood
The tearing of a page
The ripping of a broken heart
Swords clash as ideas collide
Candlelight falters against evil
Voices whisper from the shadows
Let our stories be heard
Quotes (believe it or not) play a rather large part in my life. Whenever I'm upset, happy, or just looking for inspiration, I fire up my computer (which takes a while. it's a windows 98 *grin*)and print out quotes from my favorite sites. Here are a few of my favorites:
~ The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi
~ No possession can surpass, or even equal, a good library to the lover of books. - J. A. Langford
~ Love can sometimes be magic.
But magic can sometimes... just be an illusion. -Javan
~ Beshrew the heart that makes my heart to groan. - William Shakespeare
~ Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake. - Henry David Thoreau
~ In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. - Charlie Brown
~ If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were. - Anonymous.
~ The real problem is in the hearts and minds of men. It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man. - Albert Einstein
~ Don't worry about life, you're not going to survive it anyway. - Anonymous
~ A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. - Walter Winchell
Separate names with a comma.