I'm going to let go of you. Don't get me wrong - I'm not giving up. I would never give up. But letting go would mean to accept things as they are now because they would never be changed. Facts can't be changed. It's better if I pretended I never knew you. I don't know you. I will make an illusion out of it. If I forgot you, never knew you, my life would be so much easier. Hey, I'll just let go of these never-were memories and allow them to fly into the pure blue sky like multi-coloured balloons.
Thank you for giving me the inspiration and for fixing my spectacles. My spectacles meant a lot to me, and when it was really spoiled, you fixed it for me. It lasted for quite a while before I had to fix it at the shop. Thank you so much. And I'm sorry. I hope pretending to not know you makes you feel happier. I won't annoy you anymore, after all. No more annoying person to talk to you. Farewell, person I once liked. Now who is a stranger.
I loved you.
I don't think I would ever cook even if I get married. Let's just say I'll hire a maid to cook or we can just dine out every single day like my parents. My mother doesn't cook because she thinks it's troublesome. She knows how to, though. I, on the other hand, don't like to do things that are not related to academics. I only like studying, so for me, F&N is a waste of time. I'm scared of the needle so I tend to be slow at sewing. Salimi helped me with that while I talked to her.
That's why I don't like group work. It's troublesome and I'm not good at working in groups. It's either I do nothing at all or I do everything. Though sometimes I might need their help to make it better, I realised. Take the compo for example. The Finding Nemo thing. I have not watch that movie, so I need their help to tell me what is going on in the picture. I don't even watch SpongeBob. I don't watch such shows. I might have watched it, but I never remember what happened in the show.
Smiling is great. Today, I asked Chelsea and Alizah to be friends with me. I know that they were unhappy with me, so I just wanted to be their friend (and hopefully they would just shut their gossiping mouths up). We shook hands and became friends. How nice. Now nobody hates me. I'm friends with Faiz, Su'aidah and almost everyone. But even if I'm friends with them, I'm not really that close to them.
My mother is fine now. She went and see the doctor today, and she said that the medicine has helped. Hopefully she'll feel fine. She made us so worried. But since she kept on talking about dying and yet she's still alive, we soon got the picture that she was just saying it out of stress. She won't really kill herself. But if she really does, I'll definitely stop her. Surely there will be hints, from her attitude.
I know. I'll definitely tell somebody who I can trust about it. Or rather, my mouth can't keep itself shut when there's something troubling me. Sometimes over FB status, if I am upset, I might type out a poem to express my feelings if it's just my problem. Or if I'm angry, I tend to make sarcastic remarks. I don't like to type in capital letters (but when I'm angry, there is an urge to). It just makes it worse. I can calm down if I want.
Also, most of the time, I would tell you about it. I just feel comfortable with telling you everything because you would always reply in a way that makes me feel assured with things. Sometimes it knocks some sense into me.
I am definitely cursed with bad luck, I just know it! Today, during PE, a volley ball smashed right into my face. The upper part of my nose got damaged. It bled and I didn't even realise that until I got home. Then my glasses just became out of focus. It was totally spoiled. But luckily, Miss Jacklyn was there so she fixed it for me. If not, for the rest of the lessons, I would have trouble focusing because with spectacles that keep dropping down, I would never be able to concentrate. It makes me dizzy. It's fine now. I wonder how she fixed it. Now my face has a ugly red mark. All because I wasn't paying attention to the game! I was daydreaming about something that I forgot what I was daydreaming about! It hurt a lot. Now I'm having a headache. How terrible. I should have paid attention to the game in the first place.
I took 6 minutes to run the first round of my 2.4KM. I took 10 minutes for the second round, and took 15 minutes for the last round. I came back and saw Mr Milath at the field (he got tired of waiting and knew I would fail the 2.4KM run). And when I came back, I was like, "I'm back...?" and he half-screamed at me. But he didn't ask me to do push-ups. Lucky me. I made it through PE. I would always sigh happily after it's all over.
You know, I'm starting to think that Miss Jacklyn isn't worth so much of my effort and time. Sometimes, from her actions, I can tell that she isn't really a 100% kind soul or something like that. She doesn't really care about people's problems, and she is quite similar to Miss June. At least that's how I view it as. I'm going to treat her as a normal teacher, nothing more. I mean, she's really normal. Not as complicated as I thought she was.
Maybe I thought she was someone who was complicated. Guess I was wrong. She's just a normal human being. What I'm looking for is someone who is extremely complicating. I just thought she was, but now when I get to know her more, I realised that she is just normal. Maybe a little too typical of a normal human being. So normal. Ordinary. I shouldn't waste so much time and braincells on her. So then I decided to spend braincells on something important! Writing, of course. I like that.
And I have imaginary people who I talk to most of the time. They're characters from Pandora Hearts, and I talk to them even though I know I'm talking to myself because I just love that anime.
It seems as though a rock has been lifted up from my heart when I stopped liking her so much. It's not worth it, really. Nothing but stress will come out of liking her. Nothing that would benefit me. If it doesn't benefit me then it's probably not worth it. Besides, recently, I don't even feel like I like her anymore. It's just gone. But I'm glad that it's gone.
I'm the type who likes to run away from problems though. Even though I can motivate people to face their problems bravely, I can't do so myself. I give advices that I know I will never follow to people. There is actually nothing that can save people unless they themselves try to face it and forget about what hurt them. Maybe I tend to hold on to what people say for too long. If they insult me, I would remember it for a long time. But now, I'll try to forget about it and think of it as just a passing comment. Don't worry about it so much! Haha, I guess I'm getting happier each day.
Today's game thing in the morning was quite boring. But it was entertaining. Better than sitting in class listening to them talk about things. I like writing reflections though. Oh well, I finally wore the camp shirt! I only received it yesterday.
For me, maths is quite easy now. Now that I am okay with maths, I am going to revise more on Science and Geography. There's a Science test on Elements, compounds and mixture. I have no problems with that but I'll definitely flip through my science notebook to revise.
Also, I think that Abby has changed a lot. She used to be my best friend, but now she's doesn't care anymore. She's so happy with Charlene, and when I tell her about something, she would say, "So what?". She wasn't like this previously. Now Lorena (her friend) told me that she's like that to her as well. I don't know what happened. I seriously don't give a hoot about her problems but Lorena is concerned so I thought I should care.
I found a $2 note today when I got out of my father's car. I gave it to the security guard. I wouldn't really keep it even if nobody was watching. But I got hit by a ball. If I really kept the money, I think the ball would break my spectacles. It's retribution, isn't it? Sad.
Sometimes we might feel that we want to run away from certain things in our lives. Homework, friendship troubles or love problems, for example. But if we were to keep running away, which would eventually leave us offtrack from the main road, then nobody would reach the finishing line. Everybody would be lost at God knows where.
My advice is for you to stop running away from all your troubles and face it with courage. That way, in the future, you wouldn't worry about such things again.
And however my heart "goes out" to all of you people who are running away from troubles, I think I am the one running away from my problems as well. I am always like that, but really. It's time for me to face it... or something. Face my homework. Face P.E. Face F&N. Face my zero confidence. Face everything with the courage to succeed. Let's just say this is a motivation speech for myself.
When we worry about the future, and it turns out seriously better than what we expected from over-thinking, it really was a waste of time.
Stop wasting time THINKING and do something about DOING it. All the thinking isn't needed unless you're doing some Academics thing. Thinking about useless problems with your bootless cries is not going to help. The future can worry for itself. And now, the present needs you to worry for it. Worry for it!
That's what I told myself.
As if anyone can be perfect anyway. But really, loving her makes me feel incomplete. If I didn't love, and just remain the way I am, then I would be a better person. Always looking for her, missing her and talking about her - it doesn't make me look good. And I don't like it. Love hurts me more than any other pain can make me feel. Personally I like to be in pain (masochist much?), but the pain caused by love is a mixture of pain with a bittersweet flavor in it.
Right then. Today, 12/04/11, is actually the anniversary date for me and her. I started loving her since 12/01/11. So it's exactly 4 months. And they said if it's 4 months, then it will be love, not a crush. And I decided to give up on you in exactly 4 months. Remember that my love has faded like the mist - it will never return.
I won't love you, or anybody else. And you shall be someone normal. Like anybody else.
I want to be free. Free, like the bird and freedom itself. Like the soaring birds in the pure blue sky in which gradient comes from the beautiful and yet blinding sun. That sun would be you. And now it has turned. Turned the tables, and now the moon has come. Calming and ghostly galleon. Remember now, the bird can still be free. No cage to hinder, and freedom's all theirs. Mine. I love you not.
I hereby state that I am no longer in love.
I wonder if you'd ever realise how deeply in love I am with you. I wonder if you even notice me and my everlasting love for you. I wonder if I have ever crossed your mind even once. Sometimes, I might strongly deny my love for you, but do you know how it hurts for me to do that? I just don't want them to hurt you because you're the person I love. But I love you so. So, so much that it hurts me deep down now.
Even if it's just 1 minute of not seeing you, I would miss you a lot. Sad songs reminds me of you and our past. You might not fully understand me but I know that you will never. I love you in a way that is indescribable even to myself. Moments I've spent with you were moments I've truly lived. When I look back upon my days, those moments with you... were moments I felt alive and truly happy.
With you, I would unknowingly smile. I guess that's what you call a true smile? But now, it's fading. My heart is feeling numb with all the hurt and sorrow people are causing me. I wish you would be here for me. But I know I've also caused you pain, and now... you're long gone. You've continued running your path for glory. Run, there's nothing that will stop you.
I will watch your back figure closely as it vanishes in the white snow that devours. I love you so much, and no matter how much I need you, I know you won't hear my call. Please, I just hope that I will become one of your fragments of memories... at least. I don't want to be someone just passing through your life. I want to be someone you would remember. And when someone mentions my name, I hope you would smile and say, "Ah, that's my friend,".
However, just being a friend hurts me - I love you, and would always be here waiting for you right here. And when you decide to run back to the past, I'll take your hand and be your important someone.
Separate names with a comma.