august 2 2016.

moved into my new room. terrible 4th is finally gone. small mercies. well, not so small. i'm so glad she's out.

what i'm not glad about, however, is how my room is the tiniest in the house. i'm all cramped in with my stuff and i'm trying not to be upset or resentful of it, but after 2 months of living out of a suitcase i'm eager for it to end and it hasn't yet. and i know that i'll be settling in in the next few days, but i'm at the end of my rope. so fucking tired. i feel sick from bad fast food because the kitchen is so gross i haven't been able to cook in it. i knew i would erupt in anger if i stayed in that tiny cramped room in that filthy house any longer so i left and i'm at the school library typing away, trying to breathe and calm myself down and write myself through it.

my mom will be here thursday morning to help clean. thank god. i need it. so badly. i hate everything about this house right now and the prospect of spending a year in it right now is terrible. just trying to stay calm and breathe. it will be resolved soon. in a little bit. literally in two days. it's okay.

if there's anything positive to report, it's that

• there's a lot more natural light in the bedroom i have
• there's a huge closet
• we cleaned it before we moved in with white vinegar and a ton of clorox, so at least my little corner is passably clean
• my mom is coming and it's gonna be okay

i'm just so fucking tired of the feeling that i'm settling. every single month. it's either i don't have time, i don't have money, or both. i know that's how college years are. early twenties are. but i'm tired of feeling like i have to compromise on the person i want to be or the things i want to do because of things i can't even control. knowing the things i want to do are out of my reach for reasons i can't really do anything about right now is horrible. i feel inauthentic. there's something keeping me from being the person i want to be.