Can't Read My Mind, I'm Undefined
I feel like a coward. A traitor, a fool, someone with no soul.
It's funny how someone will swear to stay by someone's side, regardless of the dragging, tugging, and pulling they endure, only to turn around and leave so suddenly. I know it's not my fault, I know he didn't leave because I was rude, or mean, did something insulting, or anything along those lines. How do I know that?
Because I'm the one that left him. That's why.
I'm not even really sure how it happened, to be honest. One minute I had promised myself to wait a week, until this coming Friday, and then if things were still on thin ice, I was going to end it. Cold, hard, slap-chop break. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted to call him that night and lay into him, especially after a little push from both a helping hand here, my cousin, and a good friend of mine. So sure enough, I broke my little vow and gave Gaylon a call on Saturday night.
I have to admit, I was surprised he picked up. We started off causal, asking how we'd been, how our day was, what we were doing, standard ice-breaking conversation. Mentally I was buffering myself for the questions I was going to ask him, and trying to prepare for his answers that would ultimately seal the deal on my decision. I started small, asking him how his job interview went, breaching into if he was going to be online as much or have much time left over outside of work. Judging by the hours he told me, he did, certainly, but that didn't stop him from saying he was going to be busy.
I couldn't take it anymore at that point, so taking a breath, I began the harder questions. "So what are we going to do about this? Did you only say you wanted to try at my benefit, or did you really mean it?"
He said he really meant it, and if it was any consolation, he hadn't talked to almost anyone in the past few days. It did little to soothe the sleeping beast within.
Part of me wanted to cry and tell him he was an idiot for doing this, but another side had control over my actions. For once, I was naturally calm, collective, and thoughtful. My head was clear as I carefully phrased my sentences. We danced along the outer edges of the topic, him reluctant to mention it, me slowly dragging him into it further and further. I finally asked him if he wanted this to be over, if that would be better for him.
"I don't want it to be over, Liv, I just... want a break while I get everything together," he sighed to me. I oddly wondered if he meant like a pause button, and while a little part of me hoped that was the case, the bigger part of me knew he probably meant pause as in 'sleep mode' with a computer. He was powering me off to turn on a bigger, better computer.
But I pushed through, never once faltering in my voice or in my words. I told him that was fine, and if the time ever came up that things would fall back into place, maybe we could chat one day again. He made it a point to say he would still talk to me from time to time, but I took his words with a grain of salt. Even as he spoke, his hold on me diminished, dissolved into nothing. I found I could move forward without pausing my life and drowning in the sea of my emotions.
"I'll miss it, you know, the little things we did," I mentioned towards the end of the conversation, my brain having brought up a few of our old conversations into play as I thought about it. I sang a small piece of Rob Thomas' 'Someday' out loud, inwardly knowing his weakness towards my singing voice, but not caring. I was leaving my mark on his heart.
We ended with the same, simple 'See you around' statements, and hung up. And while I wanted to sit there and silently cry after it was over, I found I couldn't. Something about wasting tears on someone who doesn't really even care about you seemed to ring in my head and remind me it was done, and I was still alive, unharmed, and able to function as a human being.
So I'm back to square one, open and proudly okay with not being on anyone's arm. It's like the giant invitation to flirt with whomever I want as much as I want just smacked me in the face, and I'm kind of already eying up that one boy at the local eatery I frequent, who's been single for a few months now. Hmmm.
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