Chronicals of Exzalia, a tale of innocence. part 2

By Exzalia · Nov 6, 2013 · ·
  1. Misven the run away

    Peace was an odd feeling, and a rare one, but as of right now he felt it wash over him like an ocean wave on a tranquil beach. Who knew getting in trouble could lead to such bliss. Luke opened his eye’s and took in the orange sun reflecting of Damas river, so large and still it looked more like an ocean. Better yet not a ship in site, just him the soothing waters, and the warmth of a waning sun. Suspension was a beautiful punishment, who ever thought of it must have really liked kids.


    Fay had somehow got him off with only a mild consequence, no explosion, just a week off by him self. “If this is to make me think about my actions in some remorseful way, then I may just do it again.” He closed his eye’s again, content to stay here for ever if he could. A shattering scream ripped him from his tranquil state deafening in tone his ears cried out in pain and his blood chilled at the sound. So horrific, so loud was it even possible for a mortal to scream so awfully? It droned on for about ten seconds the deafening cry turning the heads of distant people until it suddenly stopped. Luke sprung to his feet and instantly headed towards the source of the sound, someone was in trouble no doubt, no trouble was not the right word, someone was about to die, he knew, he had heard that sound before, it is the sound of a soul last attempt at defying death, it’s last protests against a violent end.

    The sound came from down the beach, and as he ran his mind flashed back to one thing, that horrible night, he pushed it out of his mind but like a resurrected corpses it sprung back reminding him of long buried horrors. He used his fear, his sorrow to push his legs faster, harder then he ever had. Rounding a rocky bend he came upon the source of the scream, a mer child surrounded by three other merfolk. It was unexpected, he stopped his dashing and stared trying to get a sense of the situation. Three mers, all warriors, all full grown men, surrounding one mer child? Since when did mers fight there own? For a moment a thought graced his mind, leave them, this is not a land dwellers business. But as one warrior reached for her fragile throat, the thought vanished like mist in the noon day sun replaced by an over powering urge, he dashed forward releasing a savage shout he yelled. “Don’t you bastards fucking touch her!”

    He weaved and literally threw three undead skeletons at them shooting them out of his weave, the three mers leaped back a frighten and taken by surprise. One fumbled his blade, it dropped and he was hit by the skeletons boney fist, a resounding crack could be heard but from the skeleton or the mer one could not tell. In a panic the three warriors leaped into the ocean and disappeared beneath the waves. It was just him and the mer child now, and for a minute they just took steady breaths, holding there chest as the events replayed them self's in their young minds, slowly the trauma left them, and they noticed each other.

    She was small, 10 years old at most with hair that went only a little ways past her ears; which where graced with fin like projections, the strangeness of the girl was just sinking in as he approached her with the three bone men in tow, light blue skin wrapped on a thin soft body replaced on her lower half with a long eel like tail. But for all her strangeness, there was something bewitching about her, he couldn’t explain it, it wasn’t lust, she was too young to evoke that, another feeling something like that but different, more subtle. Suddenly he became aware of his awkward staring, he blushed. “Sorry, are you okay?”


    “Thanks to you land dweller I am, but they may return, please can you take me further in land? They won’t follow me too far into human territory.”


    Luke jogged up to her and scooped her up in his arms, smooth, her skin was very smooth almost silk, and she was very soft to touch, he feared if he squeezed too hard she may pop. Hurriedly he dashed back down the beach, night was falling and Damiruu was ablaze with ethereal lights.

    “So strange.” She suddenly stated.

    “Pardon?”

    “Land dwellers look, so strange.” She was studying him, looking into his eye’s the same way he had done to her, amazed, even a little excited.

    “Your not afraid of my necromancy, I noticed you haven't even mentioned it. You are strange your self, and very brave, who are you?”

    “Misven, Misven Seranade and you?”

    “Luke, my last name doesn’t matter.”

    He reached the edge of the beach were sand met road and for lack strength put her down to rest, he was sweating from all the effort and wouldn’t dare look back at how far he had managed to carry her, lest he reminded him self how weak he was. Misven chuckled lightly

    “just, give me a moment.” He said panting, I’ll carry you to, a pool or something.”

    As he spoke something soft and wet met his lips, a second of bliss passed before he leaped back in surprise.

    “Something the matter?” Misven asked innocently tilting her head.

    “Why did you kiss me, I..I mean I didn’t mind it just…” his tongue twirled in his mouth but no more logic came out, just stutters and mumbles. A light laughter filled the air holding her belly the little mer fell over shaking from a hearty laugh, “Human beings are odd aren’t they, mother was right, so flustered from just a thank you.”

    “Thank you?”

    “Ya silly what did you think it meant? Hehe, I like you, your weird.”

    Luke frowned, she was making fun of him now. “Oh ya? Well normal people don’t say thank you by kissing, we just say thank you. It’s you mers that are the weird ones.”

    Misven slapped her tail on the sand and flicked some grains at him playfully, her whole demeanor changed to something care free , as if the traumatic events of only a few minutes ago had never happened. “Hey, can you show me around the human world? I wanna see a tree! Oh and fire, I want to see fire!”

    “Wait, slow down um…Misven, why were those men aft-“

    “Whats that!” She exclaimed pointing.

    “it’s just a balloon, can we get back on-“

    “And that!” she pointed again then suddenly weaving a spell, water came under her carrying her towards the startled looking airmid carrying home a bag of food.

    The river of water under her sped forward leaving a flustered Luke playing catch up with the hyper active mer child.

    “Um..can I help you?”

    The Airmid stood still as Misven looked him over studying him as a child would a curious bug. “So…weird.”

    “Excuse me?”

    “I said your weird!” Misven began laughing again.

    “I’m sorry she’s with me! She doesn’t mean it!” Luke managed to say through heaving lungs, bent over he took a moment to catch his breath, “misven, Apologize now…huh?” She was gone, a trail of water lead to another scream.

    “Damn it!” Luke ran after leaving the airmid perplexed and a little bothered.

    “My dress! You soaked my dress!”

    “Hey! Humans can come in female form too! Didn’t know that!” Misven was at it again, she had gone nuts with discovery, before Luke could even reached the infuriated woman with the soaked gown Misven was off again!

    “Sorry, sorry, she doesn’t no better, Misven stop!”

    She froze just short of trying to taste a lit match, “What…hey is this fire whats it taste like?” Nox corrupted the enchanted water under her, it collapsed back into regular water and she dropped back down helplessly on the ground.

    “Hey!”

    Luke then turned back to the starring eye’s and annoyed frowns, “Sorry, sorry, she’s crazy, off her therapy magic. You know how it is.” And with that he scooped her up and was running again.

    ….

    “Faster two legs! Giddie up!” Luke was on the verge of collapse, he had carried her all the way to the base of the academy, very old and unused steps lead thousands of feet up to the actual building, but with the taming of windseers they had not been used in centuries, a perfect place to hide things.

    “Is two legs tired? It’s okay, you can have a carrot!”

    “I have a name.” Luke snapped getting annoyed, “Now will you shut up?”

    “Well you don’t have to be mean about it, if you don’t want to play just tell me.”

    “We were never playing, you just went off!” Luke carried her past the worn staircase and to a deep pool of water beside it, carefully he slipped her in, then sat down exhausted.

    *Sniff, sniff.*

    “Hmm? Hey whats wrong?” She was starting to cry a little, Luke sat up feeling awkward, looking around futilely for any sort of help. “Look I’m sorry for blowing up on you, don’t cry okay, I hate it when girls cry, look I’ll make it up to you how's that?”

    “It’s not that.” She sniffled, “I’m just, stressed I’m far from home, from my family with no food no money, no where to go, in a world that I don’t understand. And now, now you’ll leave me alone, and I don’t know what I’ll do!”

    “I’m not going to leave you alone!” He said appalled by the very thought.

    “Really?”

    “Of course not, Why would you think that? I’ll visit you everyday, I’ll bring bread, toys and fire and all the things you wanted to see on the surface. Eventually I’ll help you get back to your home, and away from those who would do you harm. I’m not like most land dwellers, I despise those who trample on the weak, I hate the strong But, we really need to work on your people skills. Also, you need to tell me what's going on, why those men were chasing you If I don’t know I can’t help.”

    Misven beamed at him, her tears still flowed but the source was no longer despair, but joy. She swam up to him and wrapped her arms around him.

    “Hey Misven careful-Whoa!”

    With a splash he was dragged in by her over zealous hug, he resurfaced looking even skinnier then he already was, and none too amused.

    “Sorry, I’m just so happy, I have been alone for a very long time.”

    “I wonder why?” said sarcastically at he struggled out of the pool to Misvens giggles. “All right Misven, I’ll be back tomorrow, just hang tight okay, no one should come down here but if they do hide. You got that.” Misven nodded, and Luke began to walk away.

    “Oh Luke I forgot something, come here!”

    Luke shook his head, but couldn’t help but chuckle. “Yes Misven what is it?”

    “Bend down a little your too far.” She pouted,

    “It’s late Misven, I have class tomorrow this really isn’t the time for games.”

    “Just do it.”

    “Fine, now what is it?”

    Another smooch met his lips, a fast one, but shocking to him none the less. He turned red again, even began to sweat a little. “W..will you stop… doing that? That’s not how we say thank you on the surface world.”

    Misven just laughed at him again. “Oh boy mom was right human males are very fun to play with, Hahaha, so easily flustered!” She clapped her hands and disappeared into the depths of the pool.

    Luke got up shaking his head, “That’s how mermaids play? What a liberal bunch of creatures,” he turned to leave.

    His thoughts did not leave Misven even as he lay in his dorm room late into the night, even while sitting through the scolding of fay for being out past curfew, everything about her was different, strange but in a truly wonderful way, She was not afraid of his necromancy, she was distressed when she thought he would leave her, she wanted to play with him, she hugged him with out hesitation. She even, kissed him, granted it was a playful gesture and not one motivated by any real love but still, a girl, a pretty girl, was willing to kiss him, kiss him? A stupid smile broke across his face, strange and unnatural feeling weld up inside him what were they? Not the lust he felt for other girls Misven was by no means sexually attractive, she didn’t have the breasts of fay or the body of Vava, no the feeling were something else, something purer more subtle, was it love? was he, in love or perhaps just infatuation? What did it feel like to be in love? He frowned, these thoughts, they were stupid as they were perplexing. He pushed them out of his mind, but the feelings remained.


    “perhaps, this…is what friendship feels like, what an odd and rare feeling, what a wonderful thing.” Luke said softly with that he fell asleep, and dreamed good dreams.


    ……

    “As promised, Luke visited Misven everyday when ever he could, school was still hell, he was still shunned, abused, and hurt, but he had a new refuge, one more powerful then his room which shielded him from the scorn at the cost of increasing his loneliness, worsening his mental state and strengthening the dark thoughts with in him. No this new refuge was happy up lifting, and the one thing he looked forward to. This was made even better by the fact that the feeling was mutual. Luke could not be certain what Misven was up to when he was away, but the way her faced brightened as he approached from a far made his heart sing, there was no question, he was the highlight of her day as well.

    On days when the sun was bright and the coast was clear he would take her out of her pool and carry her to a lofty hill overlooking the country side. With the beauty of Damrian plains before them and not a man in sight they sat together enjoying a picnic. Misven was amazed by all the manner of food they had on the surface, cooked food in particular fascinated her to no end. It became a delight for Luke to think of things to surprise her with, one day cake, the next, cheese, then salad, (She hated salad) one day finding a stray cat, he brought it to her and she loved it, always touching it’s fur playing with it’s ears, tugging it’s tail and then promptly drowning it.

    This was the only side to Misven that troubled him, she had a monstrous innocence to her. When he asked her why she drowned the cat she replied.

    “It was fun.” It wasn’t just the unfortunate cat, she drowned all manner of things, mice, crickets grass hoppers, rabbits anything unlucky enough to strayed too close to her pool was grabbed toyed with, then drowned. It seemed in her mind it was not but a style of play. Like kicking a ball, or playing spell pop. Was it cultural? Did all mers just loved drowning things, or was it just Misven? Could she be off? Was he in danger? Luke pondered these things rarely and only for a moment for his desperate loneliness and her acceptance of him in every way over rode any disturbing habits she displayed, needles to say, he stopped bringing her animals.

    The kissing never stopped, and even after a months of visits he still was not used to it, but it was a minor annoyance one of no consequence compared to the sheer joy of having such a friend, to have someone who's whole life and happiness revolved around you, just being with them was worth all the awkward kisses in the world.

    ….

    “Vava have you seen Luke?” Fay asked the young elf. It was break time and she was quietly reading to her self while the other kids played, she looked up to the worried looking human scanning the field for him. This lady was always after him like a worried animal, suddenly curious Vava replied. “He always seems to leave during breaks, and he never sticks around after class, but where he goes I do not know. If, you don’t mind me asking, what are you to him? You don’t seem related.”

    Fay sighed, “Your right, but he may as well be my child I’m always hounding him down.”

    “Why do you care for him such? He is, very unhinged and don’t get me started on his style of weaving.”

    “A man is more then his talents Vava, Luke is troubled yes, but he has been through more then anyone here but me knows, and considering his past, I’m surprised he hasn’t turned out worse.”

    Vava put down her book her curiously now grown, she sat up and with slight hesitation asked. “What happened to him, if you don’t mind me asking?”

    Fay sat down beside her under the tall tree that graced them with shade. “8 years ago I worked as a battle mage for the damrian guard, at the time I never once thought of becoming anything but, until one day I found him while on a mission in Grove, I’ll spare you the details for they are gruesome indeed, in short, Luke's family had been attacked by a group of shadow mages, his parents where no where to be found and his other siblings had passed away only a day or two before I found him huddled in a burnt down little shack, huddling the corpse of what appeared to be his younger sister.”

    “That’s, I, never would have guessed.” Vava said suddenly down cast.

    “It gets worse, his sibling had not had an easy death, she had been cursed with a forbidden spell called curse of starvation, an brutal spell that causes the victim be unable to gain sustenance no matter how much they ate. Unless removed, the curse causes unpreventable starvation. Luke suffered from the same spell, he was lucky, for some reason he had not died from it yet. We, never did catch the people responsible, nor do we know why it happened.” Fay went quiet.

    “What happened after that?”

    “I brought him here, and retired as a battle mage, became his foster mother. He didn’t speak for the first year, eventually, he slowly opened up, but to me alone. The hostility towards him by others didn’t help much either.”

    ‘hostility? But he was but a child, what reason would there need to be hostile?” Vavas voice became sterner bordering on anger. Fay simply shrugged.

    “He had a nack for Nox eather, he was from Grove, his skin is pale, many reasons why the average Dammrian would despise him, or treat him with mistrust. Being a half breed doesn’t help either.”

    “I heard humans had rather, liberal policies about race mixing? Is this not true?”

    Fay chuckled, she got up stretching a little, “Vava my dear if there is one thing you should know about humans, it’s this, we are as varied as the rainbow, in thought color and practice. Say what you will about us but you cannot paint us all with the same brush stroke, our race is by no means unified.”

    “I see.” Fay began to head towards the dorm bidding farewell with a slight wave, as she began to walk away Vava called out. “If I see Luke, I’ll let him know your looking for him.” Fay smiled and nodded before disappearing into the crowd.

    Vava leaned back against her tree and opened her book again, but found it hard to get back into her story, her mind wandered to the awkward half elf always sitting in the back of class, mumbling to him self, the boy she avoided like everyone else. She frowned as a thought presented it’s self, a tad unpleasant she had to admit, eventually, she accepted it. “The next time I see him, I’ll try to be nice…friendly even.” She nodded to her self, and went back to reading.

    ….

    “BUBBLES!” Misven leaped out of the water and greeted him with a wet warm hug and a firm smooch.

    “What have I told you- Bah, never mind your never going to stop are you?” Look chuckled blushing.

    “Nope! Doesn’t matter what you say bubbles.”

    “Bubbles?” Luke grinned as he set down another basket of food, this time cakes and milk. Misven went wide eye’d as usual, “bubbles is your new nickname Luke, now tell me, what kind of color is that!” she said pointing to the cake.

    “Orange you silly fish, don’t tell me you have never seen orange before, I thought the sea was colorful?”

    “Not all of it, my family lives in the darker parts away from the reef, there’s a lot of colors I have never seen, like I don’t know what green is.”

    Luke bent over and gently lifted Misven out of the water, but nearly dropped her at her words. “You’ve never seen green? But Misven it’s all around you! Just look at this sunny day, this massive field we have all to our self's, it’s right under you nose.”

    Misven looked around her eye’s opened, “Oh, so that’s green! Cool! Now I want to know what pink looks like!”

    Another teasing laughed sounded from Luke as they sat down to enjoy their meal together. Misven began to dig in, displaying her complete lack of table manners biting into the cakes like some predator, stuffing her face, then downing it with a glass of milk, or what she called moon water. Luke studied his strange friend so unlike the mermaids of legend who were dainty and proper, but not his mermaid, not Misven she was savage, unrefined, and he would not have her another way.

    “Misven, I have to know, what is your family like? You don't seem to act anything like I was told merfolk act like.”

    “Not much to say, not sure who my dad is, and my mom doesn’t pay too much attention to me. Not that I blame her, when you’re the youngest of 100 kids you tend to get ignored.”

    “100?! Where did she get the time to have that many?”

    “What do you mean? That’s small compared to most merfolk I know, anyway, we keep to our self's really only coming up to sing to sailors.”

    Misven promptly stuffed her face again. “Hmm, you sing for sailors? That’s nice, I would like to hear it one day.”

    “No you don’t.” Misven took a gulp then shook her head rigorously, “Cause if you did it you would loose control and drown, I wouldn’t want that to happen, although mom says they are happier that way. I guess you would die happy males seem to like what she does to them before death.”

    Luke gave her a look, His eye’s widened, a siren, everything made sense now, her obsession with drowning things, the liberal way of handing out kisses, her bewitching visage, that seem to captivate him despite her being so young. A siren, a monster through and through, her kind killed thousands of humans on the open ocean, she was dangerous! And already imitating the horrid acts of her mother. He looked at her suddenly un certain, their eye’s met.

    “but then, I would miss you.” Misven said with a bitter sweet smile.

    “Misven, you’re a siren, why didn't you tell me?" His mind flashed back to the day her first met her, those mers, were they merely trying to kill something they as dangerous?

    "I was scared you would hurt me. that may still hurt me." She said hesitantly

    "I would never hurt you."

    “Really! Phew glad to get that off my chess, my mom told me humans would kill me if they found out I was her daughter, wrong again mom! Haha!” She struck some sort of victory pose then remembering something added. “Oh, and I’m not a full siren my self, nope mers only turn into sirens if certain things happen to us, kind of like werewolfs minus the whole moon thingy, for now I’m just a regular old merfolk.”

    “Well that’s good to hear, ahh, looks like my times up, come on I’ll take you to the pool.”

    “Awww…” Misven pouted as she was scooped up again, Gently she was lowered into the pond, she looked at him with yearning eye’s, “I’ll be back Misven, Like I always am, and when I return, I’ll teach you how to live among land dwellers, you’re a good person Misven, but you have been taught some messed up things, you’ll never make it in this world doing some of the things you do.”

    She nodded eagerly, “I can learn! Oh I do so badly want to live like a land dweller. And then I-*Gasp!*” She suddenly dipped under water seemingly frightened.

    “Um…Misven? What are you doing?”

    “Who ya talking to there Luke?” a voice sounded from behind, he spun and all his good feeling died, turning to ash within him. His heart sunk, and his brows raised, it was Naven.

    How had he found me? Why was he here? Had he seen Misven? The three thoughts raced through his head, the last one lapping the others, had he seen her, was she in danger?

    “Is it, one of your undead abominations? Huh necromancer?” Naven gave him a shove, edging him closer to the pool.

    “Fuck off Naven, I’m not looking for trouble.” Luke tried to walked past, but the cross half elf blocked his way.

    “You think your tough shit? Huh? I’m surprised your ass wasn’t expelled, what is the counsel thinking letting shit like you pollute a school of light, shadow mage.”

    Luke glared at him, but then his face softened a little has he beheld Naven's intense frown, his gritted teeth, his quivering ears.

    “Your prides hurt, you saw I was more powerful then you and now you need to prove your self, by what? Beating me up? Pathetic.” Luke muttered, he smirked mockingly.

    Naven turned a furious red, he got right up at Lukes face and yelled. “You think I’m afraid of you! You think your dark magic scare any of us! Last time you got lucky, but this time, this time you get no cheep shots. I’m going to kick your ass!”

    Luke closed his eye’s he wanted to weave, show him the power he had, maybe even unleash that thing inside him, but no. Fay, Fay had done so much for him, to throw it away over a fight, he couldn’t do that to her. He would not bare to cause her grief, to make her weep. He loved Misven, but he would never forget the kindness of Fay, the only other person who cared for him, who saw him holding the body of his sister on that night, and took pity.

    “Fine…hit me, if it makes you feel better, hit me. But I will not fight you.”

    “Fine by me bitch!” Naven hurled a vicious spell point blank range. Luke stood there with his eye’s closed waiting for the pain, he expected the sound of eather bursting, to feel burnt and in pain, but all he got, was a frantic splashing sound. He opened his eye's, Naven was gone, merc eather trailed behind him, he looked back confused.

    Misven eye’s were filled with anger, her shark like teeth gleamed as she dragged Naven under the water snuffing out his frantic splashing and gasps for air. Luke froze for crucial seconds before the gravity of the situation hit him.

    “no. no! Misven stop!” Luke commanded, lower and lower Naven sank dragged deeper and deeper.

    “Misven stop!” Panic began to rise, Misven grabbed the boys neck and began to squeeze, she was going to kill him, she was killing him!

    “Misven!” Luke screamed, he jumped into the water and tried to reach them, he cried out to her as water filled his lungs, with desperate stroke he reached out for Naven, his hand touched his. Nox spouted everywhere as Luke blasted his way out of the pool dragging navens limp body behind him, he panted and coughed spitting up water and filth, before leaping on Naven, screaming desperately. “Naven speak to me!”

    Navens eye’s were etched with the panic he faced, mixed in his stone cold expression was confusion and loss, Misven was so quick, did he even realize he was no longer breathing air?. Luke sat back staring at his class mate, he felt lost, drifting between panic and solemness

    “he’s, dead. Misven you…”

    “he was attacking you bubbles, and now he's gone, all well that ends well. Bubbles? Whats wrong?”

    The shock of it all began to sink in, Luke put a trembling hand on his head, He cried out in sheer panic. “You killed him! You murdered someone! A class mate! Are you insane! Oh god, oh god what will his parents do, what will fay do?”

    “No one has to know, we can hide him here.” She piped up.

    “It’s not that simple, we aren’t in the ocean Misven! You can’t just hide bodies, you can’t just kill people! Damn it We are talking about covering up murderer!” he looked back at Naven , held his hands over him like has was about to do something sensible, but only managed to scream again. He stepped back, paced, trying to do something, anything!

    “Forget expulsion we could be executed for murdering him, killed!.” Suddenly he stopped, the panic in him died down. “No…I didn’t do anything, when this gets out. Only you will be killed.” He muttered.

    “What was that?” Misven asked holding a hand over her ear. Luke stared at her with disturbed eye’s, his hands sweated and trembling legs, the thought assaulted his mind. They would kill her, he would get off, but Misven, they would…

    “Wow, humans are sensitive huh?” Misven said unaware of the gravity of what had just happened.

    Luke took a deep breath, Misven, she was a monster, “A monster, I don’t have to die for her, but…” Luke thought, “She is, also the only stranger to show me any lick of kindness, how ironic, that in a world of so called civilized human beings, it is a monster that has shown me true friendship. He beheld Navens corpse for the last time, this time in disdain, "Why should I feel for you? You made my life hell, rot where you are, you got what you deserved and I'll be damned if Misven dies for your sake." A darkness crept over him as he said his cold hearted words, something inside him, something fragile and weak, finally died. and now only a sickening smile showed on his face.

    “Luke?" Misven asked nervously.

    “I, will not let you die.” He mumbled. And then, scooping her up, he began to run, away from the school away from Navens bloated corpse, away from Fay and Vava, from his dorm, his life, for the sake of his only friend, the little boy ran across Damiruus plains, abandoning everything he had left to him.

    Misven slowly clued in to how serious this all was, if only a little. Her little face still tilted in slight confusion “Bubbles, head towards the sea, you helped me, so I'll help you. As he ran with her in his arms she hugged him, we will always be friends right?”

    Lukes mind flashed to Fay, the pain he would cause her by doing this, but he couldn’t, he could not let his only friend die, even if it meant choosing her over Fay, Misven must live. A tear fell down his face in his heart he apologized to fay.

    “Luke?” Misven said a little worried.The pale skinned boy despite his fear, his panic and his remorse said with a hint of strength.

    “always.”

Comments

  1. Macaberz
    It's interesting backstory for sure, but your previous piece was more solid. I feel like you were excited to get the idea across and in that process, sort of overlooked a few in-between steps that would've stitched the story together a bit better.

    You start out strong, but the quality suffers as we move ahead. Misven's behaviour is quite strange and, in my mind, a little unrealistic. Would a ten year old really behave like that? She's very erratic, and I would suppose that she would be alot more shy, considering how much time she has spent alone.

    As much as I get your main idea (and I think it's a good story) things, go downhill from here:

    A shattering scream ripped him from his tranquil state deafening in tone his ears cried out in pain and his blood chilled at the sound.

    You're saying the same thing four times here. You're saying that the scream:

    -> ripped him from his tranquil state.
    -> deafened his ears
    -> made his ears cry out in pain (I understand metaphors, but I can't imagine how my ears would 'cry out')
    -> chilled his blood.

    I think one or two reactions would've sufficed.

    Luke sprung to his feet and instantly headed towards the source of the sound, someone was in trouble no doubt, no trouble was not the right word, someone was about to die, he knew, he had heard that sound before, it is the sound of a soul last attempt at defying death, it’s last protests against a violent end.

    Run on sentence! Not only that, but Luke apparently waited the full then seconds, and then sprung into action. This sentence makes it sound as if you nor Luke can really decide what the scream is for, yet you tell us at the end that it is a death-scream. Might I suggest having Luke react to the scream immediately and rush to Misven's aid? That way you can show us why she was screaming instead of having Luke (and us, the readers) second-guess what the fuss is all about.

    The sound came from down the beach, and as he ran his mind flashed back to one thing, that horrible night, he pushed it out of his mind but like a resurrected corpses it sprung back reminding him of long buried horrors.

    There's not much wrong in particular with this sentence, but we are still talking about the sound. It makes me feel as if Luke really isn't doing anything about it, I am not sure if this sentence is really needed actually, it's only slowing down the action and Luke is discarding the memory it triggers anyway.

    For a moment a thought graced his mind, leave them, this is not a land dwellers business.

    I would italicize the underlined part, to make it more clear that he's thinking that.

    But as one warrior reached for her fragile throat, the thought vanished like mist in the noon day sun replaced by an over powering urge,...-snip-

    What's a 'noon day sun replaced by an over powering (overpowering) urge' like? You're trying to say two things here but neither are getting across because they are tangled. What you're trying is: But when one warrior reached for her throat, the thought vanished like mist on a sunny day and was replaced by an overpowering urge...-snip- (I suggest you go for a different metaphor entirely since sunlight doesn't necessarily dissipate mist).

    He weaved and literally threw three undead skeletons at them shooting them out of his weave, the three mers leaped back a frighten and taken by surprise.

    This sounds like authorative intrusion to me. It's the word 'literally' that does it. You might say it like that if you were telling this story (as in, using your voice) to a friend, but it's not a good habit when writing. It really makes it sound a lot more cheesy than it needs to be.

    One fumbled his blade, it dropped and he was hit by the skeletons boney fist, a resounding crack could be heard but from the skeleton or the mer one could not tell

    I quote #17 (titled: Omit needless words) from William Strunk's and E.B. White's 'The Elements of Style':

    Vigorous writing is concise. A sentence should contain no unnecessary words, a paragraph no unecessary sentences, for the same reason that a drawing should have no unnecessary lines and a machine no unnecessary parts. This requires not that the writer makes all sentences short, or avoid all detail and treat subjects only in outline, but that every word tell. Many expressions in common use violate this principle:

    -> The question as to whether (replace with: 'whether').
    -> There is no doubt but that (replace with: 'no doubt' | 'doubtless')
    -> He is a man who... ('he')
    -> Her story is a strange one (her story is strange).

    How does this apply to you? Well...

    One fumbled his blade, it dropped and he was hit by the skeletons boney fist, a resounding crack could be heard but from the skeleton or the mer one could not tell

    How about:

    One fumbled and dropped his blade. Crack! He was hit by a bony fist. Stunned, the remaining three threw down their arms and leaped into the sea. Luke smirked at the cowards. If they'd looked back they would've seen him dispel his conjuration.

    The reason I left out 'one could not tell' is because you are the omniscient writer. You should know, in fact you must know from who that blow came. You're not telling this from a character's POV, but from an omniscient POV, that's why there can't be any doubt what caused the crack. Lastly, having shorter, snappier sentences in action scenes helps convey the speed at which these events are happening.

    ---

    I could go on for a bit, but this piece is quite long and I also realize that you might not even want me to go over each and every word. Just to be perfectly clear, your ideas are good and interesting, you just need to realize that telling a story through print is a lot different than telling someone through your voice. You seem to write what you think/what you would say to someone. The advantage of telling a story through talking is that you can explain things on the go, if any of your listeners doesn't understand what's happening. When writing, you don't have that advantage. Readers will have to make due with the details that you provide them, Right now, you're providing me with a series of events, but not with a thorough description of how, where or why.

    That's not that say that your description is bad. In fact, I find it to be one of your strong points.

    My advice to you is three-fold:

    1. Practice your dialogue. A ten year old doesn't talk like this: “Thanks to you land dweller I am, but they may return, please can you take me further in land? They won’t follow me too far into human territory.” Your dialogue can be shorter at times and sometimes you are using it to display things that are better described and vice versa.
    2. Work within a reasonable limit. Try writing a few 300-500 word stories. Working with that limit helps you focus on using your words economically and tell only that which is needed. It's really worth a try!
    3. Stick to a single POV. Either describe the scene from a character's POV or from an omniscient, writer's POV, don't switch between the two. When you do this, realize that Misven might look at an object and describe it a whole lot differently than Luke. Try to think through the filters of your characters.

    Lastly, I just want to emphasize that you are strong with your ideas. It'd be such a waste to not hone your skills in conveying your interesting stories better, it'd really be ;) As always, don't just take my word for it!
      Exzalia likes this.
  2. Exzalia
    you make damn good points, sticking to 500 words is hard for me though cause my stories are so...massive.

    soon I'm going to start actually turning toe into a novel, it was before but it's changed sooooo much since then I will certainly have to redo the whole damn thing.

    would you like me to send you the short stories I make every so often? your very helpful and I would like the advice.
  3. Macaberz
    Sure thing! :)

    I am glad to be of help.
  4. Exzalia
    ty

    I'm making one right now, still figuring out how it should start, Toe is very complex very massive, there is a very real risk of info dumping here goes.
  5. Macaberz
    That's okay :D
  6. Exzalia
    Okay so the idea is that there is a huge over arcing plot, but before we reach that there are smaller plots with in

    My original plan is to base off the beginning of toe1 Tess one of the mc comes a shore after running away from his less then innocent mother. his motive I'm still working on, probebly a simple ones, he wants to see the world, doesn't want to become a siren, u know.

    Now the story will have more then one book, and each book will have Tess and his allies grow up from around 15 till they reach adult hood with each book getting darker in tone. the big bad of Toe is finally dealt with in the last one, the problem is filling up the space between, I want to avoid pointless side stories.

    So I need something for them to strive towards in the mean time.
  7. Macaberz
    I'd say, just write away, he'll gain motives soon enough.
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