Crystal City: Tabithas Rescue

By fantasy girl · May 6, 2009 · ·
  1. This is my first propper blog, I really want to pollish this up and lenghten it as I want to submit it into an online magazine I know. This was origonally titled the innocents race, but I changed the ending and the title didn't fit.
    heres chapter 1, 2 + 3

    Chapter 1
    Nothingness as far as the eye could see. where was he? Then he heard screaming, as if someone was shouting for help, he started running faster and faster and faster. Then suddenly, he stopped. He was there, at the wall. It was so tall, taller than you could ever imagen and he stood there, wondering what to do next.
    Then heard heard it again, the screaming, it wouldn't stop. But how did he get in. he couldn't climb over and there wasn't a door. So he walked round and round the perimeter of the wall trying to find an entrance. After about ten laps he stopped and collapsed against the wall and he heard a crack surly his weight wouldn't of broken the wall.
    The walls started moving, sliding apart to make a door he looked through them and saw a magical city but as he took a step forward the view started to change from that magical view to the sight of a dusty old room. He could see a woman, and a man. He couldn't quite see as the man was in the way but it looked as if he was torturing her with magic or something like that then he said, 'I Randell, evil sorcerer of crystal city, will be king and you Tabitha will be nothing but a mere slave of my fortunes. Mwah ha ha ha ha.' What was he talking about.
    'Tom, Tom.' he heard some one shout. He ignored it and kept listening, but then it happened again. He started walking to the man and woman and he slipped over making a load of noise but the couple didn't bat an eyelid, it was if they couldn't see or hear him. 'Tom, wake up Tom, its time for school.'
    He was awake. It was only a dream so he got ready for school and left.


    Chapter 2

    Night after night Tom would have this dream and he started to change. The changes were not noticeable at first but after a few weeks he started to become arrogant, ignorant and very argumentative and his mum was the first to spot his so she confronted him about it and said 'Tom I know you have been through a lot recently with your dad leaving and me having Emma and Kate but if you ever need to talk about things, about what happened with your farther and the stress of school just speak to me.' but this sparked a big argument and he started shouting things like 'you never cared about me,' and 'I wish you were dead.'
    His mum calmly walked up to him, sat down beside him and whispered in his ear, 'just hear me out, I'm going to take you to the doctors as I think you not well. I think you have repressed memories or something from when you were younger, you do know you can talk to me, don't you?' Again tom started shouting, calling her every name under the sun and then blurted out,' you know nothing about me, my friends, what I like, don't like, you hate me and you know nothing about my dream!'
    As soon as he mentioned his dream he realized what he had done and ran. He ran out of the house and slumped down by a tree on the field opposite his house, he stayed there for hours thinking about how he could cover up what he had said, but nothing came to him. Eventually he walked back and he stayed in his room for the rest of the night.


    Chapter 3

    The next day on the way to school tom felt something wasn't right. Something in the air, a gut feeling, or just the unusual tension between him and his mum. Know one knew and they still don't today but maybe some day someone will and that would make telling this story a whole lot easier.
    Tom was just an ordinary boy, a few mates here and their; family that live close by; that sort of thing. He didn't know it yet but the next few weeks were gonna change his life, forever.
    As I said, he kept having this dream. That the queen of a magical kingdom was in trouble. That she was being held captive by an evil sorcerer who was torturing her for some reason. He new that the dream meant something or he wouldn't of felt like this, but know matter how hard he tried to figure it out he couldn't work out what.
    The next day Tom's Mum took him to the doctors and per usual it was a waist of time as he opened up to nothing. The weird thing is, the doctor asked him to leave the room so he could talk to his Mum. He listened at the door and while he did, his mum said, 'He blew up at me the other day, he called me all the names under the sun, but thats not him doc' he's not like that. Then afterwards he said, something about a dream, and that I new nothing about it.'
    ' I can't do any thing about it, he didn't actually say anything to me so for all I know you could be making it up, I'm not calling you a lier or anything but believe it or not it does happen' replied the doctor.
    Tom heard someone push a chair a way and walk to the door so he quickly sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall and acted all innocent, even though his Mum new better.
    After the doctors tom went out with his mates. They had been playing football for some time but the group soon tired of the game and had wondered in to town. Thick-shakes and chips made up for their excessive activity on the football pitch and now the group slowly strolled in the direction of home.
    Suddenly Tom collapsed. His friends fussed around him, trying to find his eppie pen. He could hear his friends shouting at each other but he couldn't do anything. Slowly slipping in and out of conciseness. He woke up and he had no idea where he was, he couldn't move or see, he could just hear people rushing around him and his mum sobbing in the background saying ' my baby boys never going to be the same again.' tom wanted to get up and tell her every thing's gonna be fine but he couldn't and it tore him apart.

Comments

  1. arron89
    You really need to start editing this yourself if you want other people to chip in...it doesn't even start with a capital letter....I know you're young, but that's something you learn in primary school...so yeah, if you want serious, constructive reviews you need to do the groundwork yourself and at least clear it of basic spelling and grammar errors (most word processors will even do it for you at the click of a button XD)

    good luck, have fun!
  2. fantasy girl
    sorry about the terrible spelling and grammer, they are my down points. The seccond i looked at this this afternoon i realised i had forgotten the capital letter (it was a late night) i am serious about this. you realy dont know how serious. i love writing even if my spelling and grammer are a bit rubbish but i can learn.
  3. diamonds overun
    Hi
    I think you have a good basis for a book, spelling and grammar can be worked on like you said, i think you could eloborate a bit more to set the scene better.

    Was teh wall rough, made of stone, red green or polka dotted?

    hope that helps
  4. TheHedgehog
    Hey Fantasy Girl -- I promised to visit your blog soz herez I am.

    MS Word is your best friend, so said someone I once knew. Type your story on there before posting it and then that should filter out some typos. Other than that -- proofread! You're offending basic common grammar rules -- even like not capitalized Tom's name.

    The plot is interesting enough, but there's hardly and description, no imagery, no detail, just no explanation. The settings and characters hardly got a scrap of attention -- and who's Emma and Kate? What happened to his father? Maybe I need to read this a bit more but so far we have a very hollow and insubstantial story. I hate being rude to you because you're my friend but this needs to be proofread and revamped. I'll try to come up with a more in-depth review over time, Fantasy Girl.
  5. cutiekid
    heya love

    I love the way you us short sentences to create pase but i think in some points you start to drift off htinking about different things. I feel that you create good images of the characters and there meainings. I think that maybe in future stories you could build on character relations a bitr more

    apart from that i thought it was great well done!!!
  6. Evelyanin
    I do believe you have a story to tell, and it could turn out very interesting. It's just that it needs a bit of work here and there. I am no where near being a well trained editor, but here are some things that I noticed as an unbiased reader.

    Chapter 1
    Nothingness as far as the eye could see. where was he?This sentence didn't seem to flow together properly. It was slightly confusing. Besides that, nothingness isn't something you can see. It might be better to explain it like he is looking into the expanse, but is unable to see anything Then he heard screaming, as if someone was shouting for help, he started running faster and faster and faster.The part of the shouting didn't add much to it, it just seems to repeat what you already said. You also didn't mention that he was running before, so it wouldn't make sense for him to run faster. Then suddenly, he stopped. He was there, at the wall. It was so tall, taller than you could ever imagen imagineand he stood there, wondering what to do next.Unless this wall is meant to have a significant meaning later on in the story, it is better not to call it "the" wall.
    Then heard heard it again, the screaming, it wouldn't stop. if he heard the screaming "again" it would mean that it had stopped earlier onBut how did he get in.This would need a question mark, however, it may be better to eliminate the question all together and just show the reader that it was nearly impossible to get in he couldn't climb over and there wasn't a door. So he walked round and round the perimeter of the wall trying to find an entrance. After about ten laps he stopped and collapsed against the wall and he heard a crack surlysurely his weight wouldn't of havebroken the wall.So far all we have is a wall. Exactly what kind of wall is it? I imagine a wall that goes on and on into the distance, in which case it would be nearly impossible to circle it. However, if it was a smaller building, then it would be possible. This part may need a little more description. The ten laps doesn't seem to fit. First of all, that is a lot of laps to be circling the wall, and secondly, "laps" just seems like the wrong word to use
    The walls started moving, sliding apart to make a door. H he looked through them and saw a magical city but as he took a step forward the view started to change from that magical view to the sight of a dusty old room.It's a bit of a coincidance that he would lean against the right part of the wall. Also, the previous sentence runs on a little too long. I would suggest breaking it down into shorter sentences. He could see a woman, and a man. He couldn't quite see "He could see" and "He couldn't see" are too close together. Even though you are talking about different things, it looks really funny. as the man was in the way but it looked as if he was torturing her with magic or something like that Never, ever use "or something like that" unless a character is specifically saying it.then he said, 'I Randell, evil sorcerer of crystal city, will be king and you Tabitha will be nothing but a mere slave of my fortunes. Mwah ha ha ha ha.' Mwah ha ha ha just doesn't work. It makes what Randell is saying sound really cheesy. Try showing the reader instead that Randell is laughing in an evil way.What was he talking about.Again, should have a question mark, but better yet, eliminate the question all together by showing it instead
    'Tom, Tom.!' he heard some onesomeone shout. He ignored it and kept listening, A bit confusing, since it makes it look like he is listening to the shouting instead of what Randell is saying.but then it happened again. He started walking to the man and woman and he slipped over making a load of noise but the couple didn't bat an eyelid, it was if they couldn't see or hear him.Run on sentence. It "a load of noise" doesn't show the reader the noise. Try to show the reader the noise (it is possible) 'Tom, wake up Tom, its time for school.'
    He was awake. It was only a dream so he got ready for school and left.Last sentence was really awkward. It is so sudden. Try to add something which shows Tom's confusion as he gets out of bed. Maybe even a part which tells of how he goes to school, but doesn't really pay attention to what is going on around him, since he is so immersed in his thoughts. (yes, my own run on sentence, but you get the point)


    Chapter 2

    Night after night Tom would have this dream and he started to change. The changes were not noticeable at first but after a few weeks he started to become arrogant, ignorant and very argumentative and his mum was the first to spot his so she confronted him about it and said 'Tom I know you have been through a lot recently with your dad leaving and me having Emma and Kate but if you ever need to talk about things, about what happened with your farther and the stress of school just speak to me.'This is one long run on sentence. Remember the rule, show, don't tell. Show the reader the changes in him. Why is this dream causing these changes? Also, watch out for those spelling mistakes. but this sparked a big argument and he started shouting things like 'you never cared about me,' and 'I wish you were dead.'This almost seems to attach to the previous run on sentence. Try starting it with something different than "but". Instead of telling about the argument, show Tom and his mother having this argument. Show Tom saying those things to her.
    His mum calmly walked up to him, sat down beside him and whispered in his ear, 'just hear me out, I'm going to take you to the doctors as I think you arenot well. I think you have repressed memories or something from when you were younger, you do know you can talk to me, don't you?' Again tom started shouting, calling her every name under the sun and then blurted out,' you know nothing about me, my friends, what I like, don't like, you hate me and you know nothing about my dream!' What mum is saying sounds almost unnatural. Instead of using, "every name under the sun" try showing the argument again. You could even combine the whole thing into one huge argument. If you want, you can have Tom kicking and screaming and throwing a tantrum, but don't just tell it, show it.
    As soon as he mentioned his dream he realized what he had done and ran. He ran out of the house and slumped down by a tree on the field opposite his house, he stayed there for hours thinking about how he could cover up what he had said, but nothing came to him. Eventually he walked back and he stayed in his room for the rest of the night. Doesn't flow very smoothly, and there is another run on sentence hidden in there.
  7. Evelyanin
    Part 2

    Chapter 3

    The next day on the way to school tom felt something wasn't right. Something in the air, a gut feeling, or just the unusual tension between him and his mum. Know oneno one knew and they still don't today but maybe some day someone will and that would make telling this story a whole lot easier.Try not to pull the reader away from the story. Keep them in it like it was actually happening. You shouldn't have to remind the reader that you are telling a story.
    Tom was just an ordinary boy, a few mates here and theirthere; family that live close by; that sort of thing."A few mates here and there" doesn't sound right. He didn't know it yet but the next few weeks were gonna change his life, forever.
    As I said,Again, keep the reader in the story. he kept having this dream. That the queen of a magical kingdom was in trouble. That she was being held captive by an evil sorcerer who was torturing her for some reason.Don't put in "for some reason" show the facts, and if you want you can show that Tom didn't know why she was being tortured. He newknew that the dream meant something or he wouldn't ofhave instead of "of' felt like this, but know nomatter how hard he tried to figure it out he couldn't work out what.Needs to flow a little smoother
    The next day Tom's Mum took him to the doctors and per usual it was a waistwaste of time as he opened up to nothing. The weird thing is, the doctor asked him to leave the room so he could talk to his Mum. How is this weird?He listened at the door and while he did, his mum said, 'He blew up at me the other day, he called me all the names under the sun,You are repeating yourself again, and I don't think his mum would talk like that but thats not him doc' he's not like that. Then afterwards he said, something about a dream, and that I new knewnothing about it.'
    ' I can't do any thing about it, he didn't actually say anything to me so for all I know you could be making it up, I'm not calling you a lier liaror anything but believe it or not it does happen' replied the doctor.Bad phrasing. Besides that, a doctor would never say something like that. The doctor would believe the mother and try to solve the problem
    Tom heard someone push a chair a wayaway and walk to the door so he quickly sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall and acted all innocent, even though his Mum new better.
    After the doctors tom went out with his mates. They had been playing football for some time but the group soon tired of the game and had wondered in to town. Thick-shakes and chips made up for their excessive activity on the football pitch and now the group slowly strolled in the direction of home.
    Suddenly Tom collapsed. His friends fussed around him, trying to find his eppie pen.You never mentioned that Tom had any allergies or anything. Because of this, "eppie pen" seems out of place. If, however, it is commonly known that Tom has allergies, this would make sense He could hear his friends shouting at each other but he couldn't do anything. Slowly slipping in and out of concisenessconsciousness. He woke up and he had no idea where he was, he couldn't move or see, he could just hear people rushing around him and his mum sobbing in the background saying ' my baby boys never going to be the same again.' tom wanted to get up and tell her every thing's gonna be fine but he couldn't and it tore him apart.

    Just work on editing your work, reading it outloud, and it will sound so much better. If you're not sure how to spell something, look it up, either on the internet or in a dictionary. A thesaurus is also fantastic in finding different words for the same meaning. Most importantly, remember to show and not tell. Keep on working on your story and don't be afraid to go back and make changes. :)
  8. Evelyanin
    Part 2

    Chapter 3

    The next day on the way to school tom felt something wasn't right. Something in the air, a gut feeling, or just the unusual tension between him and his mum. Know oneno one knew and they still don't today but maybe some day someone will and that would make telling this story a whole lot easier.Try not to pull the reader away from the story. Keep them in it like it was actually happening. You shouldn't have to remind the reader that you are telling a story.
    Tom was just an ordinary boy, a few mates here and theirthere; family that live close by; that sort of thing."A few mates here and there" doesn't sound right. He didn't know it yet but the next few weeks were gonna change his life, forever.
    As I said,Again, keep the reader in the story. he kept having this dream. That the queen of a magical kingdom was in trouble. That she was being held captive by an evil sorcerer who was torturing her for some reason.Don't put in "for some reason" show the facts, and if you want you can show that Tom didn't know why she was being tortured. He newknew that the dream meant something or he wouldn't ofhave instead of "of' felt like this, but know nomatter how hard he tried to figure it out he couldn't work out what.Needs to flow a little smoother
    The next day Tom's Mum took him to the doctors and per usual it was a waistwaste of time as he opened up to nothing. The weird thing is, the doctor asked him to leave the room so he could talk to his Mum. How is this weird?He listened at the door and while he did, his mum said, 'He blew up at me the other day, he called me all the names under the sun,You are repeating yourself again, and I don't think his mum would talk like that but thats not him doc' he's not like that. Then afterwards he said, something about a dream, and that I new knewnothing about it.'
    ' I can't do any thing about it, he didn't actually say anything to me so for all I know you could be making it up, I'm not calling you a lier liaror anything but believe it or not it does happen' replied the doctor.Bad phrasing. Besides that, a doctor would never say something like that. The doctor would believe the mother and try to solve the problem
    Tom heard someone push a chair a wayaway and walk to the door so he quickly sat down on the floor, leaning against the wall and acted all innocent, even though his Mum new better.
    After the doctors tom went out with his mates. They had been playing football for some time but the group soon tired of the game and had wondered in to town. Thick-shakes and chips made up for their excessive activity on the football pitch and now the group slowly strolled in the direction of home.
    Suddenly Tom collapsed. His friends fussed around him, trying to find his eppie pen.You never mentioned that Tom had any allergies or anything. Because of this, "eppie pen" seems out of place. If, however, it is commonly known that Tom has allergies, this would make sense He could hear his friends shouting at each other but he couldn't do anything. Slowly slipping in and out of concisenessconsciousness. He woke up and he had no idea where he was, he couldn't move or see, he could just hear people rushing around him and his mum sobbing in the background saying ' my baby boys never going to be the same again.' tom wanted to get up and tell her every thing's gonna be fine but he couldn't and it tore him apart.

    Just work on editing your work, reading it outloud, and it will sound so much better. If you're not sure how to spell something, look it up, either on the internet or in a dictionary. A thesaurus is also fantastic in finding different words for the same meaning. Most importantly, remember to show and not tell. Keep on working on your story and don't be afraid to go back and make changes. :)
  9. cutiekid
    I think for this story and all the others you are going to write you need to learn not to emphasize on one area of the character and instead use a wide range of techniques! I think you need to give the wtory more flow, by readind aloud i know you could edit this easily!! Luv ya! :D
  10. cutiekid
    I think for this story and all the others you are going to write you need to learn not to emphasize on one area of the character and instead use a wide range of techniques! I think you need to give the story more flow, by reading aloud I know you could edit this easily!! Luv ya! :D
  11. cutiekid
    I think for this story and all the others you are going to write you need to learn not to emphasize on one area of the character and instead use a wide range of techniques! I think you need to give the story more flow, by reading aloud I know you could edit this easily!! Luv ya! :D:rolleyes:
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