The other day I was thinking back on an ex-boyfriend and on the things that had transpired to make him get the ex- prefix on his title. He was only 3 or 4 years younger then me, but I came to realize that for reasons I had never been able to parse, he had gotten stuck in what I think of as the Definition Stage of growing up.
We all go through this stage. It’s vital in the creation of who we are, and during this stage, the idea of definitions becomes very important and much more front burner than later in life when you relax a little and start to want to explore all the other people that you might be. I became rather aware of this phenomenon when I returned to university and for a while the guys I was dating were a good bit younger than I was.
Well, my 30-odd year old boyfriend had gotten stuck in that phase of life and was unable to open up after that to explore the other things that are possible to be. He got frustrated with my amorphous nature. He never felt secure in who I was as I was exploring what was inside of me, and because of that he continued to feel less and less secure in our relationship.
But, honestly, there was no way for me to remain where he was, figuratively speaking. I had already done that. I had already been a slave to the definitions I had created for and about myself, and I was tired of living in a world that was so small. I wanted more. I wanted to be more.
I wonder sometimes if the quest that I have in life will always make it difficult for me in relationships. Will all the people I date wonder what is going with this little strange monkey they have met.
I wonder if I am alone in feeling this way?
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