Depression, rage, guilt

Published by FoxyMomma in the blog FoxyMomma's blog. Views: 229

A dormant monster entered my life when I was 12. He was my parent's friend's new boyfirend. He treated my sister and I like we were his own children. My family accepted him into our lives with open arms, blissfully unaware of the torture he would put us through in the future.

In two days, he will plead guilty to 2 third degree felony charges. The first is for criminal sexual contact of a minor. The second is negligent child abuse. My young children (ages 7 and 4) were left in his care, just as they had been many many times before. This man was our trusted friend. He took advantage of that trust and used my oldest son for his sick sexual gratification.

It's nearly impossible to not have blamed myself. I put them in that situation, I left them there. Thoughts ring through my head..."if I had only known, I could have stopped it." I still feel like killing him. Everyday I struggle with my own inner monster that just wants to end him. It's been 2 years...almost to the day. I hate him. I HATE HIM. He stole my children's innocence. They will never be what they once were. I had to explain masterbation and oral sex to 2 little boys WAY before they should ever have learned about it in health class. I just want to make them (and me) whole again.

I have to make a victim's impact statement on Thursday in front of the judge and I'm stumped. I don't know where to start or what to say. I have been unable to write ANYTHING since this happened. I was once a very active member on this board and now, it's difficult to even play on the games board. I've cocooned myself in my misery and I can't find my way out. Depression and guilt are very powerful things. Our lawyer keeps telling me that this ordeal is almost over, but I find myself just beginning to try and heal.
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