Depression, Social Anxiety, and Self harm

By Shadow Dragon · Aug 20, 2008 · ·
  1. Well, my depression is kicking my ass tonight, so to prevent myself from doing the self harm part I figured I would write about my issues to keep myself busy. Well first off, like the title suggests, I have depression, social anxiety and a habit of self harming.

    The depression.
    Well, basically I have clinical depression. I'm tired most of the time, have next to no motivation to accomplish anything, and I don't even have much of a will to live. Hell, I probably would have killed myself already if I wasn't so apathetic (the sad part is, I'm serious). I can honestly say that if I died tomorrow, I wouldn't care. Its so f***ing frustrating at times. Like part of me really wants to care, but for some reason I just can't most of the time.

    Social Anxety
    This one really sucks. Many times when I have to deal with people in real life, I come close to haveing a panick attack. The idea of talking to someone I don't know very well on the phone, or calling them is f***ing terrifying. For whatever reason, It seems like I have to do every thing perfectly infront of others. And there is no way I would be able to be really open to others about my issues in real life. Again, very frustrating. I really want to make close friends, and get a girlfriend or boyfriend, but if I try, I'm more likely to end up with a panic attack than to succeed. So, I'm basically a shut-in at this point.

    Self Harm
    This is something that I'm sure that anyone who doesn't do it, will think its crazy. I do it because it helps with the anxiety and depression. I probably started doing this in middle school. Back then, with out even thinking about it, I used to press the ends of my fingernails into the palm of the opposite hand. Through out most of middle school I had marks on the palm of my hands from doing this so much. Now, I usually cut, and I'm really sorry I started that habit. Its pretty addictive. Though the most f***ed up thing about it is that it works. While I feel the pain of it, I just seem to feel relaxed and content. When cutting isn't an option, I'll bite down on one of my fingers instead.

    So...yeah. Anyways, I guess I feel a little better now.

Comments

  1. Charisma
    Hey, hey, cool down there buddy. We have a alarm on the ambulance. :p

    I don't know whether I have any of that (can't say I've tried self-harm in teenage, was suicidal as a kid) but I guess I understand what you're going through. This may sound cocky, but try to get yourself a counselor or psychiatrist (if you haven't yet). It might take a while to get used to them, seeing the panic attack problem, but eventually you'd probably find yourself better off with them if the psychiatrist is good.

    Also, if not that, write about it whenever you feel suicidal. It kinda redirects the negative energy. Or talk to someone, if I'm online you can always talk to me :D.

    Most importantly, try to figure out why you're depressed. Ask yourself, and discuss it with yourself and/or friends. Once you know the problem, you should try to work on it. If you ever feel discouraged, scream out positive reinforcements in the mirror. Redirects the negative energy. :D

    Take care and don't kill yourself, I'm aiming for that medal. ;)
  2. soujiroseta
    i know exactly how you feel Shadow. i was in your same exact position about two years back where nothing ever seemed to go right for me. i jus did the same thing you're doing since i didnt wanna bother anyone about it...i kept writing and i know now that if id kept it inside i could have been a lost cause. I dont know what i can say to make you feel better just that keep strong, things do get better.:)
  3. Shadow Dragon
    Charisma: Relax, I really don't think I would go through with it. Also, I am seeing a psychologist, and am on paxil for it. I just suck at talking about it to him. Anyways, I promise, I won't kill myself anytime soon. Thanks for the reply.

    Soujiroseta: Thanks its good to know that others have gone through it. I will keep writing. :)
  4. Aurora_Black
    Life usually goes downhill after 13 for no apparent reason. You'll be in a sea of charcoal crap a lot, but keep trying to push forward and you might find a diamond that will make it worthwhile.
  5. Still Life
    As for depression, I can say without a shade of doubt, 100%, that I don't understand what you're going through, Shadow. I would be lying if I did. I do have a younger brother who we had to wrestle out of a psychiatric hospital 6 months ago. It was really just so sudden. I mean, he's my brother, we lived in the same house for 16 years, and still I couldn't understand what was going through his head.

    It sounds like you're one tough cookie though, and I'm sure you'll make it through this phase. Hang in there just a little longer.

    And BTW, about the social anxiety issues, everything you wrote??? Ditto for me, too. I once suspected I had Aspergers', but I didn't really fit the bill in the end.
  6. Trapped Creativity
    Wow, this sounds just like me. I sleep a lot...My apathy tends to devour the best of me...Whenever people I'm familiar with are around me, I get really nervous...I don't think I've ever had an amazing conversation before; I ruin them with stupid opinions and bad jokes which are ironically against everything I stand for...Hmm...What else? Oh yes...And whenever I'm really embarrassed, I'll penetrate my sharp fingernails into the palm of my hands....

    I love venting...
  7. Shadow Dragon
    Aurora Black, Still Life, and Trapped Creativity: Thanks for the replies. :)
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