Every blessing?

So, I was in church tonight, and it was simply AMAZING!! For some reason, God decided to speak to me then and there. It was filled with those "god moments."

So, I was there, worshipping and singing along with everyone else, a song I've sung a thousand times and know the lyrics by heart. So why is God just now revealing this to me? I'm not sure.

"Every blessing you pour out, I'll turn back to praise."
Whoa, wait a minute. Did that just say "every blessing?" Try to think of every single blessing you have ever received. Each day is it's own blessing. That is, for me, five thousand four hundred forty five blessings. I see that as a rather large number. Then, I remember the clouds. Earlier today, I had been looking outside at the clouds. And at that moment, I thanked God for them. How many times does God give us something beautiful to look at, like those clouds, and we miss it? We go through our lives so busy we can't even notice that God just gave us some tiny little blessing. We notice the big ones. We are sure to thank God when a new baby is born, or when God gives us that thing we'd been praying for, or when someone finds out the cancer hasn't returned. But we miss those little things?

I've always said that I wanted God to whisper in my ear, and show me those little blessings in life. I have been so blessed. Blessed to have a church where I can walk in the door and feel the Holy Spirit literally move, blessed to have family and friends that care about me, blessed to have a youth pastor that listens to me, blessed to have food on my table every night, and a warm bed to sleep in, and clean water. There is so much for me to be thankful for, and to just enjoy, but instead, I find myself pouting. Pouting about miniscule stuff that I'm not going to remember a year from now, maybe not even a month from now.

Why is that? Why am I so selfish to do that? Call it human nature, call it whatever you want, but I think it's stupid. Pointless. Where will it really get me?

So, the song continued.
"When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say, blessed is your name."

Darkness? What is that? I think of all the times when I just feel overwhelmed by the stuff I just named as pointless, that's my darkness. Lately, my darkness has been feeling like I didn't know God. If you were to ask me right now who God was, I would be dumbfounded. That is genuinely hard for me. It makes it hard for me to worship. It makes it hard for me to pray. It makes it hard for me to read my bible. That is my darkness. I find it hard to trust people, so how could I trust a God I didn't know? If you know, please, share.

Then, just moments after having these wonderful revelations, I get sucker-punched with this thought:

"You don't know God, how are you praying right now?"

I'm going to say that maybe that was the devil speaking. But at that instant, my hands dropped, my voice cut in mid-sentence, and I nearly fell backwards. How did I do that without knowing him? Then, my thoughts came to this:

"You haven't been trying that hard. How can you expect to know God?"

At this point, I could see the two little men on my shoulder. I don't know who said that, but it was true. So, maybe, what I came to, was that A) I need to try harder. and B) I really need to let go of this paranoia.

Anywho, so the night progresses, Patrick preached, while the men continued to converse on my burnt shoulders, and then we reached the point in the evening where people cry. The alter call was made, and I look and see one of my dearest friends there. At that moment, God made the decision I was to pray over her. I honestly don't think I had a say in the matter. So, I go and I did it. At this point, you're thinking "Okay? Big deal" Yes. Very big deal. I have NEVER been able to do that. So, to me, that was God telling me he could still work through me. He could still use me. I could still be a piece of clay, as Patrick said, and God could still use me. That God I don't know, the one I can't understand no matter how hard I try, is using me. He was there. I could feel his arms around me. Call me crazy.

Now we will skip forward to the present. I have just received an email, a forward of Ecclesiates 3:6.

THERE IS A TIME TO SEARCH AND A TIME TO GIVE UP.

A TIME TO KEEP AND A TIME TO THROW AWAY.
What time is it for you?