Falling

By suhailp · Aug 30, 2012 · 493 · 6

Time...is creeping along,
and I can feel myself sinking.
Falling deeper, slowly submerging
into the stillness of the cold night air,
the silence of this lifeless room.
Engulfing me...Consuming my thoughts,
Devouring my dreams, night by night.

Every moment, each instance
seems to slip through my fingers
as the sands of time trickle through-
Grain by grain, second by second,
Falling into the past,
Descending far down below,
until there is nothing left, but forgotten memories.

The day is lost, and tomorrow fast approaches.
I find myself wondering...what lies in wait?
As the grains, they aggregate,
and the sand, it accumulates-
Slowly...oh so slowly...
The bulb empties, and all that remains of me,
is a lifeless silence, and windswept dust.

So I lie here in wait.. still I lay here in wait...
- Facebook
- Twitter
- Google+
- LinkedIn
- Pintrest
- Reddit
- Tumblr
- eMail

Comments

into the darkness, the quiet stillness...<--- in the dark I see, by Lights

also a line in a Christian song.
not saying you ripped it. saying it's used too much.

do you mean "lie" here in waiT?

maidahl, Aug 30, 2012
I went with lay because of the whole "falling into the past". The idea, which I've obviously failed at executing correctly, was I wanted to portray that time is passing by, and being wasted by being stuck in the past. Hence, "I lay here in wait", as I've done this many times before, living through the same shit etc etc. Does that make sense to you? Or am I just an idiot?

So maybe,

"I lie here in wait...I lay here in wait" to show the movement of time? I don't know, maybe its a bit to much.

"I sit here in wait...I sat here in wait" doesn't really work tbh. Maybe I should just scrap it all together.

I do agree with you that the whole "into the darkness" thing is overused. and I'll try to refrain from using the phrase. I never knew where it was from, but have always liked the sound of it. Also, I've heard people make the case before, that words and phrases are like notes and melodies. You needn't refrain from using a good chord for instance, as long as you change the progression, But I guess originality is always a good thing.

Anyways, thanks for reading my poem and posting a comment maklahi! Much obliged!! = )

suhailp, Aug 31, 2012
Another version for you Maklahi. I hope this appeases some of the comments you'd made. I think it sounds a lot better, so thanks again!

Time is creeping along...
and I can feel myself sinking,
falling deeper, plunging further still-
into the stillness of the cold night air,
the silence of this lifeless room...Engulfing me...
Consuming my thoughts,
Devouring my dreams, night by night.

Every moment, each instance,
seems to slip through my fingers
as the sands of time trickle through-
Grain by grain, second by second,
Falling into the past,
till there is nothing left, but forgotten memories.

The day is lost, and tomorrow approaches.
I find myself wondering...what lies in wait?
As the grains, they aggregate,
and the sand, it accumulates...
slowly...oh so slowly...
Until one day soon, I must meet my inevitable fate.

So I lie here in wait.. so I lay there in wait...

suhailp, Aug 31, 2012
I like some of your word plays, but overall I have a feeling you may be trying too hard. You have some excellent imageries there, and you can obviously play with words - what I wish is that you said more. All this is very metaphorical but really, there's only one concept - time passing and you waiting - I'd love to know why is the passing time so important, and what are you waiting for? Don't be afraid to get more concrete about things - when a reader can imagine and relate, naturally your poem becomes more powerful.

Finally, use fewer eclipses (I think that's what they're called, the ...'s) - I get that time is flowing slowly, convey it with your words and have confidence that you've got your point across. Like I say, you have a very vivid image here, so don't worry. I feel the eclipses serve no purpose.

Mckk, Aug 31, 2012
Hope you don't mind, but like I said I did like your imagery and I had a dabble at rewriting it I'm not saying my version is better, but it sorta put a rhythm in my head and I wanted to write it. So here's my version, just thought I'd show you since it's originally yours - I've taken some lines I liked personally (and don't worry, I work on novels and never really hope to publish poems, so don't worry about plagiarism or anything):

Time, creeping.
I’m sinking,
Falling
Further still.
In the stillness of the night
The silence engulfs me,
Devouring my dreams,
Night by night.

Seconds slip
Through my fingers
Try though I might
to hold on
The sands of time trickle through
Falling into the past
Descending
Into naught but forgotten memories.

The day is lost, and tomorrow’s a mystery
I cannot see
Past the dust of stars
Falling, falling
Drawing silver streaks into the ink-black sky
Teasing me with the future
When all I can see
Is sand,
Trickling, trickling, grain by grain.
It gathers, swells, rises,
And I cannot tell when it will stop,
When my hourglass will have had its fill
And I must lie here,
Await
My inevitable fate.

Mckk, Aug 31, 2012
Thank you Mckk, that was an excellent rewrite, that improved upon the original in many ways. Particularly the last stanza,

"I cannot see
Past the dust of stars
Falling, falling
Drawing silver streaks into the ink-black sky"

Lovely stuff. I only write as a hobby tbf, so don't worry about all that bureaucratic bs. Cheers for the comment Mckk! = )

suhailp, Aug 31, 2012

To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!

Log in or Sign up

Falling

Comments

Sort Comments By

Useful Searches