Feeling very down.

By Ashleigh · Oct 14, 2009 · ·
  1. I'm getting really bored of feeling so crap all the time now. Really, really bored.

    My moods have been really bad the last few years, but this year in particular has been terrible.

    I've been having dramatic highs and lows, but now, it just seems like i'm on a constant low. And when I say low, I mean really ****ing low.
    Anything bad that happens, or even an off look from someone or a sarcastic comment always results in the same answer: It's because I'm a complete C/nt and I don't deserve to be happy.

    I don't feel secure and I don't feel like I'm connecting with anybody.

    Everyday I feel like a zombie, as though I'm a ghost looking through my eyes without actually controlling my body.

    I'm so tired all the time, completely exhausted. Everything seems so murky and low and horrible. I feel like I'm always on the verge of either crying, or screaming.

    The only time I'm happy is when Matt is with me, because that's the only time when I feel like a whole person - or like a person at all for that matter.

    I'm f/cking sick to death of feeling this way, and now that I'm at Uni I really can't afford for it to start getting worse. I don't care what I have to do, I just want it to f/cking stop and go away.

Comments

  1. marina
    I totally relate, Ashleigh. What's funny is that I can analyze the situation and realize it's my brain doing Jedi mind tricks on me and not at all reality, but logic doesn't stop the awful feelings. Well, I'll tell you what one of therapists told me: get more sleep, eat well, exercise. Then he probably charged my family $150 for that sage advice. :D *hugs, hope you take care of your health & feel better*
  2. Mercurial
    I dont know what to tell you except I hope you are okay. You are a fantastic person, Ashleigh; you are a great friend to me, you mean a lot to great bunch of people. You deserve to be happy.

    I cant go into details, but I will just say I know how you feel, whether you believe me or not. I was so down that I required meds, safe housing, and psychiatrists... I consider myself to be somewhat happy now (or at least complacent), but I will tell you some of the best advice I ever could have received. When you are angry, do something called "Four Breathing." Inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four, repeat. Since it actually slows your heart rate, it usually will help you calm down when you are angry.
    As for feeling like an awful person, I cant tell you enough that you are a fantastic person, someone I very much admire. When you feel like someone gives you a bad look or you receive a sarcastic comment, tell yourself five things that you do love yourself for. Anything. Your fantastic prose, your beautiful face, your uncanny ability to pick out awesome friends, ...even your taste in music.

    I cant tell you how you feel, but this is what it sounds like to me: You're in this negative feedback cycle; if you do something good, it's not good enough; if you do something wrong, you beat yourself up over it. You've got to get back on a positive feedback cycle. It might take some experimenting to discover what really makes you feel fantastic, but you'll find it.

    I hope this helped in some vague way.
    Feel better love.
    Know that you are a great person who people do love, care about, and admire.
    And if you need me, I'm around. *hug*

    :love:
  3. Ashleigh
    That really did help Mercy, I will try the things you mentioned when I come into those situations.
    Thanks so much for saying nice things about me. The only truly awesome friend I've found is you :)
    The negative thing sounds pretty correct - I always take things in a negative way, and when they are negative, I don't even try to think of any positive aspect of that...it's just all crap,crap crap.
    I know you've been through this (and through much worse, I know), and I've felt like this for years....it's sort of like I've gotten used to it. It never really seems like I'll be able to come out of it - which I think is the main problem for anyone with inner issues. I am trying, though, I promise.

    *hugs* you're a lovely person Merc, I'm lucky to know you.
    ------------------------------------------------------

    Marina, thanks also for the advice. Part of my reason for giving up on going to the doctor about the more physical aspects of my "depression"-for lack of a more accurate word-(which are chronic fatigue and Underactive thyroid) is because other than having more blood tests and adjusting my dosage of medication - the only advice he'd give me is to join the gym and be active :p
    Which is difficult for me, because even without the energy and sleep problems that I already have, I'm pretty sure I'd still be a lazy person, haha.
    *hugs*
  4. jonathan hernandez13
    Aww Ash:(

    Im so sorry to hear that you feel that way, but brave of you to address it

    Im surprised to hear that you're feeling down, you always seem so cheerful and upbeat, but then again I can feel the same way and put on a "painted smile"

    Marina had some excellent advice, when I was in the service I wasnt allowed to be depressed, they kept me too occuied with drill, physical training, school, ceremony, really dull but demanding stuff.

    Some kids in boot camp would crack a little, but they either would get back on track, get help from the rest of the platoon (some recruits would crack so much they had to get washed out of the training cycle, but sometimes guys will fake a nervous breakdown just to get out of Boot camp, its really lame)

    I was very unhappy in Boot camp and for most of my enlistment, but it manifested itself in, as you described, this feeling of just being a mindless drone or zombie. I would march and drill and do guard posts but I was really just this brainless automoton.

    You are a creative personality like I am, so anything that can disrupt that (like Boot camp/University) make damper your spirit. You are also a teen, and everyone gets a little depressed in their teens. Also, it seems like alot of students these days are under alot of pressure, even more than when I was going to College.

    Like Marina said being active, going outdoors, all that can help. In my experience what really saved my mind (my spirit was gone) was the friendship I established with some of my serive brothers. A sense of humor really helps, and a little attitude too. In the military we are subjected to authority, and I think it is in human nature to reject it, so there is alot of cynical humor among the lower ranks.:rolleyes:

    You want to surround yourself with people that make you happy, like your BF, and avoid things that make you unhappy. This may not be so difficult, even University has interesting people, and even every rose has a thorn as the Taoists say there is good in the bad.

    Whenever you need a cheering up just ask old Johnny to tell you a few old war stories, like the time I drove a two ton diesel tug (that is used to haul, among other things) right into a wall...true story:redface:

    Anyway, hope this cheers you up

    "I can't win...I'm sitting on top of the world...and I've got hemroids" - Rodney Dangerfield
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