Lavarian Jul 21, 2010
Some really cool ideas in this. I really like the description here:

...and other solar riders could be seen coasting through the skies on glowing sails like bees hovering about a hive.

I can visualize that perfectly and it's really neat. I might even add a bit more to it- adding something about the distance and what the backdrop looks like, etc.

You're right that it does need a bit of work. Specifically with dialogue.

But regardless, I genuinely enjoyed it and will read the other parts later on.