How You Love Me Now

Published by lilix morgan in the blog lilix morgan's blog. Views: 118

I feel like I want to explode right now. The past couple of months haven't exactly been my perfect cup of tea, but more like a diluted version of toilet water. Yeah, that's about the nicest way I can put things right now.

I'll sum up the past month or two in a little wrap up first. Carlos and I are no longer speaking, mainly because once he learned I wasn't into him, he gave me a very tough cold shoulder, which surprised me, but hey, it's his choice and his loss. About a month after the fight with Mike and Ashley, I one morning asked Ashley how she was feeling to be nice, and ended up with her arms around me crying, saying how sorry she was for acting like that to me. Mike finally decided to start talking to me, but it was an awkward form of conversation, and centered only on Facebook, not in public. Needless to say, I wasn't pleased with even exchanging swipes of my keyboard with the boy. I graduated, oh, and I'm still single.

Yeah, that's life for me in a nutshell right now.

But currently, well, it's not so bad. I'm riding on a high of my best friend sticking up for me and threatening Mike within an inch of his life after his most recent stunt with me.

See, I've gotten World of Warcraft for my gorgeous new laptop. My laptop is a beauty, 14.1'' screen, 250GB HD, and enough features to keep me entertained all day long. I wasn't even on WoW for two hours when suddenly I get a message from Mike, who apparently decided to renew his subscription just a few days before I got my laptop. Hmmm.

We chatted, and it was alright. He said he didn't mind talking to me and wanted to put all the fighting in the past, and sadly enough, I believed him at the time. I truly thought something had turned him for the better; but what that thing was, I didn't know. I learned shortly afterwards that Mike was dating someone for almost a month now, a girl named Sayrah. The happiness and generosity toward me was quickly explained once I learned that.

For about a week, things were fine. I was looking for jobs, writing here and there, and talking to an old friend. In a way I felt everything had come full circle for me since my graduation. We shared laughs up until 2 in the morning on there, helping each other out in the game and just talking about life. I decided back in the last month or two of school that I knew I was never going to get over Mike fully, that he would always remain with a piece of my heart for being my first serious boyfriend ever. But I didn't love the boy anymore, instead, I just wanted him to be happy. I chose to play the highest role by giving him up and letting my grip off of him, hence the reasons why I would tolerate listening to him blather on about Sayrah and how much he loved her.

Late one night, while he was helping me complete something on the game, he started asking me questions. Questions about us, our past. I kindly told him I didn't want to talk about it, and pushed it aside, but after that, it seemed every conversation we held he pulled our relationship into it. He would ask me all kinds of questions that required me to put myself back into the shoes of my emotions for him, something I wasn't ready to do. But the warnings just didn't seem to be enough.

I felt enclosed all of a sudden. Why was he pressuring me with these detailed questions about us when he was clearly dating someone, and would constantly remind me he no longer loved me? I spent a couple of nights after getting off with him softly crying myself to sleep, the emotions too much for me. It felt like everything he was doing was like a pinprick meant to be inserted directly into my heart, and I didn't like it.

Several days later I figured I needed to get out of the house, so my friend Stephanie came over and hung out with me. We hit the road, got Taco Bell, chatted like old friends and new buddies, giggling madly and freely. I felt so alive without the bonds of Mike pulling me down. It was when we got home seven hours later, Wawa hoagies in tow, that she noticed my sudden mood switch.

Two hours later, I had spilled everything to my best friend. About how Mike was pushing me into a corner, and how I kept fighting to keep myself out of it. Needless to say, she was enraged. Steph was like a sister to me, someone who would do anything to keep me happy. We'd seen each other through some of the nastiest stuff in our lives, from suicide attempts to assaults, tears in the girls' bathroom to driving in the middle of the night just to make sure the other was alright. Glued at the hip didn't even begin to cover us.

After calming me down, she went home, telling me explicitly to not talk to Mike, no matter what. Thankfully that night he was in a grumpy mood and didn't even bother trying to talk to me, the two of us having gotten into a dissagreement on the game.

I learned the next morning that Steph had posted a message for Mike to read on his facebook, and for all the rest of the world to read, too, that told him to back off from me or face the consequences. I'd never felt so loved in all my life, not when it came to best friends. Stephanie had gone above and beyond for me in that act of protection.

Of course, Mike deleted it as soon as he got on and read it, saying that he was 'silently laughing' after reading it. But I thought that would be the last time he would bother me, and for two days, it was.

Around eleven o' clock, probably closer to midnight, he messaged me. His comments were sent with nothing short of the intent to harm, stating how he had been 'planning on talking to me in a friendly manner soon, but now, I will never make that mistake again'. He called me malicious, devious, conniving and deceitful. His words were meant to harm me, and yet, they didn't. Steph's words had acted like a shield, keeping his vicious spit at bay. Thankfully, this time I decided to document the event, and at this point, I'm considering a restraining order.

How he loves me now could mean less to me. He could be as infatuated or as uncaring as he wants to be; I don't give a damn. I played nice, and wished him the best in his life, and I still hope that he's happy, but he will never play a role in my life again. The chapter with him is closed, now and forever.
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