Standing by the window in white baggy tops designed with pink polka dots and faded blue shorts, while admiring the non-stop rain drops splashing on my room’s window glass.
“Can’t you keep your room and closet tidy? By evening I want you to clean up all the mess" warned mum sternly during breakfast.
So,'to do list ' was practically ringing in my head continually but come ‘on..
It’s freaking Sunday...
I supposed to be resting.. how I wished weekends was longer than weekdays,i was grumbling silently in my heart.
I grabbed my coffee mug and rested on my green bean-bag- chair while scanning at my book shelf for last month’s Cleo magazine
my eyes caught an ancient hard cover green album.It has been ages since I viewed it, so I reached for it and picked it gently.The album was covered with dust, so I had to tap it on floor few times.
I continue looking at the photos without realizing tears rolled down my soft cheeks as soon as I observe that particular photo..(me and him)
Remembering those days,
School life was perfectly breathtaking with bunch of amazing friends and those irreplaceable memories.
I would say
I was tall and thin,
I use to tie a pony tail.
I have a thick hair and I was in bronze tone with clear skin.
Lissy was taller than me. She was slim and brown skinned. She has a curly hair and ties a pony tail too.
Narnie was short and wiry but has the sharpest nose and the longest hair among all.
Her hair length was below her hips. She plaits it and as she walks, her hair swings following her steps.
Perky was smaller in size but slightly taller than Narnie. She had a bright curly hair but she straightened it. So she had a perfect straight hair and ties a horse tail. She had a sweet smile and was 1 tone brighter than Lissy.
We knew each other from the time when we were 10 years old but eventually we all were chucked in same class only at the age of 14 in secondary school, since then we girls started moving together.
On the other hand,
Paul, Raymond and John, three musketeers from different primary school were studying together with us in same class.In in the long run, all of us became friends and also attended extra class under same tutor as well.
As time goes,
All of us started having annoying and secret admirers here and there.
Raymond liked me and secretly was trying to impress me although I have made it crystal clear, that I’m not interested. To be honest, he is smart and good looking though not my kind.
John's skinny and he is a very straight forward guy thus known for sarcasms therefore seldom girls approached him.
Paul is a well built pleasant looking guy with a melting smile.He was attracted to Perky on his first glimpse and fell in love with her, in fact he was one among the tons of secret admirers she had.
Above and beyond that, she was the only one in our team, who had a relationship at young age. Her first one was at 12, with her 13 years old neighbor. Second was at 13, with a 17 years old senior and third at 14, with Paul. Her previous two relationships weren’t obvious therefore many didn’t know but almost the whole school knew about her relationship with Paul, including the teachers.
We weren't that close to Paul because he was living in his own world. There was always a limitation or some sort of barrier for him when he mixes with we girls because he didn't want Perky to get jealous or misunderstand.So he spends time mostly with Raymond and John, while with Perky whenever she feels so.
So we girls understood!
It always been pretty weird to see them rarely spending time together like how usually couples do as if the honeymoon is over.
Everything seemed to be smooth between Perky and Paul till we found out;
She was actually seeing someone else at his back.
Perky had always been a nice friend even tough seldom joined us in “be noisy and have fun” club. She lives in her own world most of the time where she is focused to studies, social networks, computer, internet, hand phone, admirers, Paul, school and extra class.
Trust me, most of us didn’t even have internet nor computer neither hand phone during that time. She was the only one, who was way advance in Information Technology and gadgets because of her dad and brother.
Above that, she has been a good student; she was never mischievous, playful or noisy like rest of us. She always finishes her homework and she’s sort of hardworking too.
Paul was deeply hurt with her behavior but he chose to hold his tongue.
He turn a blind eye although realized some time back; there was no love between them and he's been carrying the torch for her.
Hope, hurt and betrayal went on and on.
Lissy was cursing Perky for her behavior. Narnie on the other hand, could not accept the fact that a good boyfriend like him had to go through this and I was truly sad for him.We were foaming at the mouth but we could not advise her as everything was beyond our control and we are pretty sure, she is not going to listen to us. Furthermore we didn’t want any unnecessary friction in our friendship so we confronted Paul personally because he doesn’t deserve this pain or betrayal.
"Whaaaaaaat?" i asked loudly.
“It’s already past 2, dad wants you to take your lunch now” answered brother softly.
I walked down the stairs weakly and grabbed a plate and placed my meal.
Mum cooked my favorite sizzling tofu.
While munching the tofu, I remembered..
His eyes were shining in happiness and practically swimming in joy the very moment I fed him tofu during our study tour.
It was exactly two months since he told me that he had fallen for me for what I am.. But I haven’t say anything yet as however he was my close friend’s ex-boyfriend.
Yeah, I m talking about..
Though they have ended their relationship officially and she is happy with someone else on the sly. I still didn’t have the guts to accept him.
But I become truly conscious how much chemistry and mutual understanding we had just in that short period. He understands me more than anyone else did.
The very moment he broke up, he actually started noticing and analyzing every single person and things happening around him. He was set free and there was no barrier.
All the while,
He was so lost in his love fairy tale; it took him almost few years to step down to reality.
As time went on,
I, Lissy, Narnie and he became closer. We never talked about his relationship with Perky. We felt, it happened for good.
However Perky appeared to be disappointed but she moved on fast and rarely joined us. She was more into her world but Paul was replaced by someone else.
Out of blue,
I and Paul became even closer just like that. We started sharing and laughing over every little thing we came across every day. We had perfect understanding entirety and primary we felt so comfortable with each other, we were able to talk about anything without shy, discomfort nor fear.We started calling each other often after school. We spoke for long. Then we will also bump into each other in Extra class held in the evening.
We felt like we knew and understand everything about each other till we don’t have to utter a word.
Even our gesture and silence was understood perfectly by each other (felt like we were in Twilight zone).
On the other hand, our final exam was around the corner.
One fine day,
Lissy, Narnie, I and Paul stayed back to discuss Biology coursework. They two sat on the opposite of me and Paul.
Paul held my hand secretly under the study table and whispered that he have fallen for me thus admitted, he never felt like this before (I’m totally psyched)
My eyes widened up. My palms were sweating...i was speechless.
For the very first time in my life, I experienced it.
i took off my hand from his grip and remained silent.
On our way back home, he assured me that he had fallen for me not due to the bonding we had after his break up or this isn’t puppy love.
I witnessed the truth and genuine in his bright eyes. I melted.
I trust his words entirely.
And yeah, it all happened at the age of 17 when school life was almost ending.
I confronted Lissy and Narnie regarding this.
They were shocked then they turn supportive, because they knew both of us very well. So they believe we will be happy, loyal, and appreciative and make a perfect match.
From the bottom of my heart
i felt he was the one for me,I have fallen for him too.I admit, he is such an idealistic boyfriend.
But I needed some time…
None of my friends knew what was happening between us except they two.
Their lips were sealed.
Early of October,
All of us went for study tour.
After thinking for two months, I didn't want to shilly-shally anymore so decided to let him know my feelings at the end of tour.
Bus stopped right in front of our school' after the tour,so i took the chance to confess my feelings towards him while waiting for our turn to get down.
Lu la la,lu la la,lu la lu la le……
As days melted into weeks, we were happy together. In fact I would say, we were as happy as Larry. He was living in cloud nine and I thought i was in heaven.
“Have u clean up your room”? Asked mum.
“Haven’t,still cleaning”, I answered swiftly while heading to my room after my lunch.
“Dad, will be sending you to train station at 6pm. So do it fast and get ready” ordered mum.
( I’m working in main city, so I have rented a room nearby my working place. Therefore I come back once or twice in a month to visit my parents.)
I shook my head and continued walking up the stairs.
My closet is in a total mess. I think, it has been really long since I folded my clothes.
Gazing bluntly at the wardrobe which mum bought me at 12.It’s already 12 years since then.
Then I turned around,
Staring at my red clock placed on the edge of study table, I held it and set the alarm to 4pm.
I walked back to the window,watched the rain drops.tup!tup!tup!
Kring Kring!Kring Kring!
“Britany,call for you.” Shouted mum from her room.
I quickly ran and grab the phone in kitchen (we have 2 phones at home, 1 fixed in mum’s room and the other one in kitchen)
"Hello!"i said impatiently.
"Helloooooo!"i flashed with huge smile, the moment I heard his voice.
“You called me 15 minutes ago only, why are you calling me back”, I insist.
“Because I missing you badly, why didn’t you turn up for extra class” he questioned sadly.
"Wait, isn’t it raining over there? "I questioned before answering him.
"Yes,it is my dear! "He answered quickly.
"Nut!why did you walk all the way to public phone in the rain to call me? You are going to fall sick pig"! I scolded him caringly.
(Deep inside it was like music to my ears)
“As I said earlier,I missed you.wait..”he said in pamper tone and disappeared for few seconds.
"Hello!helloooo!you there?"i asked.
“Yes yes.continue” he whispered.
"Where you MIA?" I asked.
“I was taking out the coins to insert from my pencil box. I’m having coins collection you know, so no worries we can talk longer than usual” He said.
Most waited event by all of us. Right?
We girls started listing down what to buy and what to prepare,1 month earlier.
All of us were looking forward eagerly.
This was my first prom, I wanted to look good. Indeed special.
Paul was keen to see me in dress. ( I have ordered a purple knee length dress and he planned to get a dark purple shirt)
We stayed back after school on that evening, when prom’s ticket’s was released.
“I can’t wait for prom” Paul said.
Me too, I answered with a huge smile.
It’s going to be really special, coz I’m going to tell all our friends about our relationship. I’m tired of this hide seek game cause of my past” sighed Paul.
I remained silent.. ( I was happy but still worried thinking what my friends going to say about this.. I really don’t want them to think I stole Perky’s boyfriend. I didn’t. I l never do that. It was her fault to cheat behind his back. It was his decision to let her go. Although most knew what happened, I still didn’t want anyone to get the whole thing wrong)
He wrapped me in his arms and assured me, everything going to be all right.
“I made a right move by finding a right person; after all it’s my life”. He whispered confidently.
I was convinced.
“So since I’m going to make it special, you have to make the prom night extraordinary too”, he said.
“Okay,but How?how?” I asked in baffled mode.
“Hmmmm…I can’t wait for my 1st kiss, so..hehem..!” He answered cheekily.
I was tongue-tied for a moment…I think i was blushing. Deffo!.
He chuckled watching my reaction.
I slowly said,”fine..on ya forehead!”I I tried to push him away playfully to release myself from his arms.
But he held me closer and said” No! No! Not on my forehead!” he joked, i assume.
I smiled shyly in his arms and whispered “dream on” and after a pause continued saying “I love you so much” in his ears.
“Me too dear, can’t wait to have good time with you ” he said while playing with my pony tail.
I quickly pulled his cheeks playfully and saw him scrunching his nose in pain with a grin. His cheeks grew red. ( I always pull his cheeks cause it’s fleshy and feels fun to see him reacting)
Alarm rang, it’s already 4pm. I started cleaning my drawers and study table first.
So much of bills, tickets and tiny notes loaded on my table and drawers.I crumple one by one and flung it into my tiny pink bin.Then I slowly opened my third drawer, where I keep all the important documents.
I glanced at a thin brown book hiding behind my see trough file, Journal by Paul.
“Let’s do so something interesting,hmmm…a Journal, where we write about each other or everything happen between us every day. I’m sure it’s gonna be memorable and fun to read back after I shift out” I suggested on a random sunny day after school.
(My dad got transferred to next state; apparently we planned to move out once I’m done with my final major exam. Deep inside my heart I didn’t want to go..i don’t want to leave behind my sweet home, wonderful friends and my perfect boyfriend..i don’t want..i m not ready for that..i have been living here for 17 years, how can I just leave everything and go.)
His heart sank hearing that but next minute he was thrilled to bits with the idea, so we both walked to the bookshop located near our school canteen and bought 1 book each.
Each and every day we wrote..we wrote as much as we liked..we wrote every single thing happened after school, after extra class..
Although I read it once or twice every year, I still feel the same like how I read it at first.
I flipped the pages, I felt like a lump in my throat when I read .."Each time I feel sad, down or angry, I will walk to room and express my feelings to your photo and I will shut my eyes and imagine' how you will console me and make me better, eventually I l cheer up and feel good! You never fail to make me happy even trough photo; thank you…I love you to the bits”
Have you ever wondered, how we dated each other and kept a lid on our relationship?
..trust me,it was like a thief in the night...
We will stay back 1 hour after school (twice a week) with Lissy and Narnie. Whenever anyone question us, why or bla bla..We will say for revision.
None of my classmates doubted us so far. So we had to really maintain as if nothing between us during school period.
Beeeep! Beeeep! My phone vibrated.
I quickly cleaned up whatever mess that being obvious to my eyes and rushed to take shower. However I did promise myself to clean up my closet on my next trip to home, Okay?
I got ready in 15 minutes. Dad drove me to the nearest train station.
On our way..
"So, what’s the plan for Christmas holiday?" Asked dad.
" Hmm..Nothing so far," I answered.
" So,want to go back home? "Dad asked curiously although he knows my answer for sure.
"Yes, yes!"I answered with a big beam.
(This home refers to my ex-hometown, We will head back thrice a year to clean the house and to pay the necessary bills. Usually i and my brothers will seize this chance to run into our friends while parents go visiting relatives)
Paul took me to his house. It was my first time to his house. He served me with cookies made by his sister and mum with a cold soft drink. He made me taste all the cookies.
"Call me once you reach. Take care". Said dad and he sped off.
I bought my ticket and entered the ladies coach with one big bag and one sling back.I manage to find a seat. I sat and placed the bags on my lap. Then I took my mp3 player and played my favorite song.
Train continued moving..wait..move..wait..move..
Whenever train waits at that specific station.. I will smile and eventually look around even till now. I still do it…cause I’m so use to it. However only I knew, why
Beep! Beep!my phone vibrated again.
I took of my right side headphone off from my ears and answered the call.
"Hello BB, I miss you!"said Richard in lovely tone.
"I miss you too B!"i shot back.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"I’m on my way back,will call you once reach!"i assured.
"Muwacks"!he bubye-ed me with a kiss.
My boyfriend. Already past 5 years since we coupled up. We planned to get married in another 3 years..finger crossed!
Our relationship ended right after two months it began..I knew what hell was then,I had no clue…everything happen too fast.
We are still good friends.
He is in a relationship too; his girlfriend has my name (co-incident?)
Finally few weeks back we brought up our past issue and confess what’s exactly hidden in our heart.
if you wondered, why after this long?
Usually when one starts talking about it, one will end it..or when one asks question, one will hem and haw..but that day,we both decided to bare our to souls to each other through phone.
I still and always will love you no matter what Britany. In fact each time I hear that (Britany) name, I admit you come into my head first. I missed you in my life, my fault. If I was given another chance, I will never miss it..i promise. I suffered emotionally the very moment I realize,I have lost you and you are no longer mine. it took me sometime to recover.However I was convinced, when I knew Richard is keeping you happy. When i called you, after sometime..i heard the happiness in your voice.i was glad.Its going to be almost seven years broke up, first two month of love, I was with you. And the remaining 6 years of my love and rest I will be spending without you. I remember all those beautiful memories we had together, I cherish everything. Will you believe, if I say I think about you almost every day till now…deep in my heart, so much of regrets and guilt for letting you go and ruining your trust,I know have hurt you a lot. All I want to see is a happy smiling Britany..And I l do anything for that. No one can ever replace you in my life. You are my true love and none can understand me as much as you did..I will always be there for you. If I was given a wish, I want to be by your side 1 whole day, and will do every single thing that could make you smile from your heart. You can even pull my cheeks all day long because I know you like and happy doing so..
I miss you tremendously. No one could ever understand as much as you did. You even could guess each gesture of mine means what. I always cherish all the beautiful time we had together. Trust me, it always lits a smile on my face and even my worst day can turn awesome just by recalling our time together. I waited for you more than a year after we broke up..but you still didn’t make up to me,you were dragging your feet. That’s when I gave myself a chance to fall in love with Richard.But I’m sure, you still remember..i manage to get your number from John and called you to ensure everything was over so that I don’t have to wait longer and get hurt and also to officially let you know I’m going to accept Richards love and move on with my life.. All you said was, Are you sure? And that’s all. ..you didn’t even stop me nor hint me that still love me. Why? That made me conclude that you was no longer in love with me.. I had enough of hoping against hope. I still remember how much I cried to sleep after our break up, almost every day. There was no sign of you, Paul. You were totally missing in action. You never kept in touch with any of us. I heard from someone that you were studying in G College located near Wrill Town. Did you know, I was not even sure whether you were studying there or not but every time I pass by Wrill train station, I will look around finding for you..with the hope I will see you. I missed you that badly. If you have asked me to wait, I surely will do. No news from you for almost a year,you disappeared without any hint. Did you know, I silently cried watching you during our final major exam in hall? I still read your journal till now, sometime i l cry recalling certain moments. When I visited you last Christmas, I felt like getting a big hug from you and crying on your shoulder, because my life was extremely complicated at that point..deep in my heart, I knew you could really make me feel better but i could not express what was in my heart, as i knew there was restriction.Did you know?Our break up has always been incomplete puzzle in my life.If you have cheated me, I would have hated you and moved on..but you didn’t…you made me so pleased throughout that two months, so I could not find any reason to throw you totally from my heart and move on completely without your thoughts. The amount of pain I went through without you was unbearable but still you are the sweetest thing ever happen to me..i still find happiness in the pain trough your memories. Honestly, I wish the same, will be truly happy if I could spend 1 whole day with you..i want to cherish all the beautiful moments we had together but I can’t, because I know how much it will hurt Richard..and you were right, Richard is keeping me happy despite all the up and down i had with him.So I don’t want to do something that could hurt him or your girlfriend and spoil our current relationship with them.
PROM? We broke up on that day. I didn’t go nor collected my dress.I never stepped into any PROM till now.
I shifted one week after we broke up. He didn’t even call me to say goodbye.
All I had was his memories and his journal.
We loved each other truthfully.
Different religion was the only factor between us, but then still…we least cared.
But why didn’t we end up together? What happened?
He said, he still and will always love me? Then why did he let me go? How come his girlfriend has same name with me, you say co incident? He still thinks of me every day,it's going to be almost seven years? i kid you not!
Only Paul knew the answers, but still then he have no idea why it all happened..
I try convincing myself by saying everything happens for a reason. But is it for good or my bad? God knows!
True and First love will always be a memorable memory in our life. i realised.
We will live with those beautiful memories craved within us.
My only wish for him, he will live happily wit Britany and May god shower him with the entire best thing in life.
"You walked in my life randomly.."
"Let me go, just like that suddenly"
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