I don't know what to do

By ILaughAtTrailers · Oct 23, 2016 · ·
  1. I dropped out of university for the second time four months ago and I'm thinking of going back again in the spring (either to the same one or a different one). I'm hoping a different one because then I can get a fresh start. But now I'm kind of in this waiting for 2-6 months because school doesn't start until then.

    I've been really depressed about my life recently. Last quarter of school I was put into psychiatric hospital because I wanted to kill myself, which I wanted to do because the girl I liked rejected me and I failed the quarter. I feel like such a failure and that if I don't pass university again this third time around that I'm just going to kill myself. I went to community college after I got my GED and got an AA with a 3.8 GPA. But when I transferred to university, I just couldn't replicate the same results and failed three out of four quarters. I've dropped out twice now. I feel so shitty and I don't feel it's a reflection of me at all.

    I've been reading books, watching TV, browsing the internet, hanging with friends, and writing but none of these things seem to cheer me up. The only thing that seems to recently is posting on here my problems (venting). I really hate where my life is going. I really wish I didn't mess up school because without graduating I don't know what I'm going to do with my life because I'm not going to work fast food for forty years. If David Foster Wallace had the balls to kill himself because he thought he was a failure, then I do too.

    I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was put into the psychiatric hospital and it would explain why I did so poorly in school -- the depression and making impulsive decisions -- but now I'm medicated and feel normal for once in my life. I'm hoping the school will let me back in because of this and possibly let me retake all of the classes I failed because that would be the only realistic way I could get my GPA back up.

    I'm living with my grandmother and three uncles right now and while I don't pay rent I'm kind of hating myself right now for it. I'm two months away from turning twenty-five and I just have nothing to show for it. I thought I was going to become a professional writer or a poker player but it turns out I suck at those things. Now I'm just some lazy adult who's a failure at everything. I don't know what to do.

    I feel I'm just stupid. That everyone knows it but me. My jaw is crooked and it probably makes me look like a retarded person (or Jay Leno, as my friend suggested) and when I took a picture of myself yesterday I realized I was ugly even though I think I'm just some ordinary, good-looking, white kid. Life sucks with how mundane it is sometimes.
    cydney likes this.

Comments

  1. Maulana Dinda
    I am sorry to hear that. Your life is not yet end, bro. Dream is not over before you die.
    I remember about James Cameron quotes "If you set your goals ridiculously high and it's a failure, you will fail above everyone else's success."
    For now you only need to get rid something that burden your mind. Step by step, small pieces by small pieces, to make something big happened and you eventually be surprised about things that you focused; and also don't set your hope too high because it is better to feel surprise than disappointed. Don't aim for the big things first because it might also give you a heavy burden to your mind. Positive vibes to others can possibly help a lot for your life.
    I hope you succeed in life :)
      cydney likes this.
  2. ILaughAtTrailers
    Thanks for your reply. I wasn't expecting any to be honest. I just wanted somewhere to vent in a community I trust and somewhere I knew would give positive and good advice.

    I've always been one to aim high so I don't know how to operate any other way, unfortunately. School is important to me and having that education would give me, I believe, more confidence than I could imagine.
      cydney likes this.
  3. Carly Berg
    Hi. I think you aren't really asking for advice but wow, that sounds like depression so couldn't help hoping you were in therapy as I read your post.

    Also, fwiw, I'm older and know so many people (including myself) who just had a harder time with that whole early adulthood stage. There's a lot that has to come together and so often you get knocked back by one thing or another. Then it just takes longer to get to that even keel where you finally have a solid job, decent place to live, good life partner and all those other things most of us hope for. I recall thinking I would never get there, just kept spinning my wheels. But then one day it all miraculously did come together. Just saying I think late teens to mid-late twenties is the suckiest time of all. I wouldn't go back for anything but it's all good now. If I could, I'd tell my younger self not to take it so hard, that it would all work out. Hope it does for you, too, and soon. Best wishes. :)
      cydney likes this.
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