I made a mistake

By Irish87 · Oct 31, 2009 · ·
  1. I'm not a very big family person. In fact, I don't have any family that I am proud of and that I acknowledge. The only exception are my sisters, both of whom I have known for about three weeks now.

    We're only half-related, to be fair. We have the same father, but different mothers. When our father passed away (I was two at the time) our perfect family was split and they were taken to Oregon with their mother. Well, through the miracles of social networking I was able to find them. For the first two weeks everything went great and I felt a sense of utter happiness. And now that feeling has metabolized into a shapeless hell which keeps my mind unfocused and my emotions beset by silly theories.

    Basically, I got frustrated that one of my sisters had suddenly stopped replying to my emails. For about a week she basically ignored me. I don't know why and there was never any explanation. There was no great secret or revelation revealed, so I didn't scare her off. And then yesterday she sends me an email and asks what I'm up to for Halloween. Still slightly angry at the fact she didn't even reply to a simple hello six days prior I told her that I wasn't doing anything. That's it. I suddenly became apathetic as a way to protect myself.

    Shortly after she sent me another email stating she thinks I'm always unhappy. Since I was still angry I fired off an email describing all the ways that I AM happy and that she should probably avoid telling people when they are and are not enjoying their life. That, by the way, is why I named this blog entry: I made a mistake.

    I never heard a response from her. I stayed up until 1AM because I wasn't sure if I had pissed her off or if I was correct in my own judgment. In all fairness, I don't know how to deal with women, no matter who they are. Whether they be my sister or some random stranger or my landlord. I am unable to deal with women of any sort. Shockingly, I am also gay.

    I'm not really sure what to do. All of this is new territory for me. I've never had anyone in my family that I actually felt love for. Sure, that sounds terrible, but when you come from a family who thinks of abuse as a tradition then suddenly you realize why I am so confused about a proper family.

    So, I made a mistake and now I don't know why to do. I really wish I was a smoker right now. Damn.

    -Irish

    P.S.: I am unhappy.

Comments

  1. marina
    Darn, I'm sorry things have gone this way. I wish I had words of advice, but I don't. Maybe you could start over by sending her an email stating everything you just did in your post. There might be a really good reason she didn't respond for a week. Take care. :)
  2. Pallas
    Nothing opens the lines of communication more than some frankness. As marina commented, pasting this exact post in an email may be a good way to start, though I know this will take some lowering of defenses and being open with vulnerabilities.
  3. Irish87
    I appreciate the advice, but I'm still wondering whether or not she's angry. Hell, for all I know she didn't even read it. Maybe it's just because I have always surrounded myself with people who are very open and who speak freely without any fear of a negative reprisal, but it feels like I'm being ignored entirely. Even though I like to keep myself far away from family and I consider most of my relatives evil, I have to admit I really wanted to get to know my sisters. Hell, two weeks ago we were talking about me heading up to Oregon (where they live) for a few weeks. Now we just aren't talking.

    I don't know. I'm lost here. This is the exact reason I always distance myself from contact with most people. It all seems so ridiculous and I am beginning to think my catharsis was born out of selfishness.
  4. wordwizard
    If you don't mind me saying, it sounds like you are afraid to let people into your life because you are not used to people being concerned for your wellbeing.

    If you did make her mad, it may have been a way to push her back out.

    Just a thought> I could be 100 percent wrong, but it's just what I am taking away from your post.
  5. Irish87
    You're entirely correct. I've found over the years that I don't need a therapist to tell me that how I was raised has influenced my distrust of people. I also learned to second guess myself constantly, otherwise I always found a stiff punishment. Sadly, this has led to a life of never trusting my own thoughts. That's why I am so damned frustrated as to how to act with my sister. I really want this to work out, but I can't seem to give in.

    I do find it funny though, I always put up a strict defense for myself. I'm always joking, laughing, and never showing any real emotions to anyone else. I've always thought of that sort of stuff as my own problem and no one elses. It's my own burden. And yet somehow my sister, who has not seen me in twenty years, is able to detect my sheer unhappiness in my written word alone.

    Nuts.
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