No, this is not a rant on my lack of self esteem. I have a great deal of self-worth. At least, now I do.
In high school - by my standards - I was no one special. I was in marching band for four years, and I absolutely hated it. The director always told us the sum was greater than just one of its parts. Math probably wasn't his strong suit - the slope was becoming negative. The band's standard and personality degraded. I hated it, but kept in it despite knowing I absolutely hated playing music, marching, and many of the people in said band. I hoped it would end well. At the final ceremony, the band director did not mention I was a Senior.
I haven't touched any of my music since then.
My senior year I was in the classes of every other Honors Scholar and great friends with the Valevictorian-to-be. By no means was I on their level, but in a manner of two years I had made an effort to accelerate my pace and try to catch up to them. My counselor said it was a great feat. My parents were impressed. A close teacher continuously praised me.
I broke down that year. I held myself to a ludicrous standard and cried when I got rejected from UofM while the chatterboxes and pricks in my classes got in. I felt I have always gotten the shit end of things. In middle school I was placed in the slow track when I was supposed to be advanced. Towards the end of middle school I missed a chance to get into the International Academy - I was 22nd on the list of the 20 people who could possibly get in. Not one person opted out.
A few days later the Valevictorian-to-be complimented me. "Que, I just love you. You are the most relaxed guy I have ever known."
She got a 36 on the ACT, a straight 4.0, and had scholarships to the best schools in the nation. She complimented me, a 29-ACT, 3.79, and scholarshipless scrub. I was no one special, but that was all I needed.
I did not break down then. I did just now.
As much as I wish it was, Que is not my real name.
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