it's been a month and a half and i feel so much better.
that's the first thing that comes to mind. i feel like i'm getting back in touch with my old self, the one who remembers why she does the things she does and enjoys the things she enjoys. i feel like i've woken up from something. i'm a lot more patient, a lot more calm and accepting. a lot more level headed. i've forgotten what that felt like. last summer was all rush rush rush. panic panic panic. i had barely 2k in my savings account and even working 2 minimum wage jobs wasn't enough. all year was rough. this summer is so different. i have time off to breathe. to do things. next week i have a film festival and two concerts coming up. i'm going to the pool to tan and swim today. these things would have sounded too good to be true a year ago and now they're fact.
this doesn't mean that things aren't tough. i'm still worried about money a lot of the time. i still feel like i have to put my life on hold because i don't have time or money. i still feel like i have to put off doing things i want to do because of those same reasons. but i either feel like that less now, or i'm a lot more accepting of limitations and try to work my way around them when i can. a huge part of the problem last year was my ego, i think. i got it into my head that i didn't have to do this, that i shouldn't be in this position of putting my wants on hold and stressing out so much, and that feeling of being above it all led to my anger and resentment. now i just realize that it's life. and that it's unfair, but it's the way life is for basically everyone in my age group. and that it's not forever. and that things fluctuate just as much to good things as to bad things. and that these limitations of money or time aren't my fault as much as they're just a casualty of living in an expensive city going to college. i think i'm thinking in the long term a lot more than i was before. before, all i could think about was getting through a week or a month. now i know i'll get through, even if it's tough some months, even if there's dips or uncertainties.
i still have a lot to work on. i still have things to do. but i feel a lot more... adult? prepared? a lot more equipped to accomplish things. i feel like i'm thinking in terms of "marathon, not sprint" now, and that's half the battle. i still have worries and money is still tight but i feel like i can accomplish things in a calmer and more adult manner, honestly. i feel like i've gotten smarter with time and money management. and while i'm not looking forward to paying out the nose for a security deposit and first month's rent all at once soon, i know that i'll get that money back by the end of the summer from working as much as i have. i'm more accepting of the reality that money fluctuates both ways and that i'll be okay eventually. and i'm good with that.
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