june 9, 2016

I feel weird that all my blog entries seem to be about me being upset, but I guess it makes sense. I don't really write journals anymore, although I should start, or at least type them up somewhere. I guess I do it here because it's both secretive and public and sometimes I wish someone would message me and ask if I'm okay, even if it's just to check and they don't actually ~care~ that much.

I've been a terrible person this past year and taking a step back from my friends is hard. It's been a week, a measly week, and I already feel really lonely and sad. I'm doing a 48 hour film festival this weekend and while I'm excited as fuck for actual set experience, I just feel hollow and sad and alone, and then I feel bad for feeling bad, because it's like... duh. What did I expect? I was shitty to the people I care the most about and I hate myself for that. And I know that I need to change, and I need to sit here and think about what I've done, and percolate in these feelings, but it's not easy. I dunno. I feel sad and lonely and then I feel bad about commenting on how sad and lonely I feel because I WANT to feel that, I want to know the consequences of what I've done, I want to feel bad so I know how I need to change and be better. But the day to day shit sucks. You never realize how much history you have with a person until you don't have that anymore, or at least not for the moment. There are so many inside jokes and things with my friends that I don't have now with the new roommates, who are lovely but make me sad because I still feel hollow.

You also never realize how much little things can affect you. One of my new roommates suggested we bake and listen to Fall Out Boy and I froze up because that's what me and one of the old roommates did all the time. I just saw a sketch of me another roommate did that I hadn't seen until now and I froze up again. I'm finally being honest with myself and finally realizing how deep my bullshit behavior went and all I can feel is guilt and sadness that I didn't want to be this honest with myself sooner. I don't know if it's too late. I hope it isn't. But I can only do the day to day stuff. At least I've been working decent hours. It's weird how my early 20s are so full of these growing pains. If it's not money it's time, or interpersonal relationships. I'm just trying to cope.

I'm starting therapy again soon. Hopefully that will help.