Leaving, I suppose.

I wonder if I should perhaps leave the site. In all my time here I believe I've made all of one post, despite my efforts to be useful in everything I say, that anyone ever appreciated, and the only time aside from that that I seem to be noticed is when I'm angering or irritating people. I always feel I'll come here some morning and find myself banned. And I'm not even the type who goes out of my way to make waves. Anything but. Yet upsetting people is the only reaction I seem to garner, when I garner any reaction at all.

I've never managed to become a "regular" on any website I frequent, no matter how much I put myself out there. I thought perhaps I'd find likeminded people on writing forums, of which I've joined two, but it isn't happening. This is the one of the two I interact on less, so the way I see it, it's not much of a loss, especially to anyone here.

I've never understood "friend" functions on any sites. I've never made friends or even acquaintances from friend functions. It's strange. Why do people friend others if they're not remotely interested in making the slightest connection? Just having some other people's usernames next to yours, under the name "Friends," when none of you know each other or even have the time of day for each other, seems stupid. Having no relationships in real life, I used to think the Internet would be an okay substitute--ANY kind of substitute, any kind of interaction is better than none--but I've learned over the years that it's no substitute at all. I've never made a connection even on a writing site. Why did I think I might? Because everyone else seems to, I guess, but that's never happened to me. Nobody ever mentions or thinks of "Tehuti" when they think of somebody who made an impact on them. And it's not for my lack of trying. In nine years online I've put myself all over the Web but haven't made a lasting connection anywhere. Sure have had a lot of broken promises and letdowns, though. All I ever got out of trying to connect to people was an even greater feeling of my insignificance. And loneliness.

Not that anyone who might read/see this will care anyway, since you need to have made a connection to make somebody care. Anyway, I suppose if anyone ever stumbles upon this months after I'm gone and finds something I've said intriguing or interesting, my link is on my profile. That takes you to all my online writing and anything one needs to know about me. I'm not hugely popular or so busy hearing from other people that surely one shouldn't even bother trying to get in touch with me, though the few times people have contacted me in the past they've had that stupid assumption; even when I assured them this wasn't so, that I barely ever hear from anyone about my writing (and I NEVER hear from people consistently or more than once) and that I love hearing from readers, I never heard back again. Guess they didn't find me or my work that interesting after all. Strangely, it's always the people who laud my work the loudest--the people who seem most interested, the people I'd love to communicate with the most--who lose interest the fastest. Go figure...like I said, I never make a lasting impression on anyone, not even those who claim to adore my work.

Despite pointing this out I don't expect any response anymore. I guess I'm just stupidly hopeful having my link posted.

I should make more time to try to write anyway. Me hanging out here hasn't helped me, and it certainly hasn't helped anyone else any.

Seeing as I believe I'm going now, messages won't be seen. My e-mail is also on my profile, or can be found through my link. Again, not that I expect anything. I just find it stupid when people message somebody who left a site ages before. I left another "social networking" site months ago and I still get e-mails from people wanting to friend me there. Haven't they even read my blog saying I left the site? They don't even glance at my page, get to see who I am, before trying to friend me? I guess not--again, what's the point of those friend functions? Stupid.

Tar.