There are different types of people, they handle things differently, I am one of the ones whose soul is deeply affected, I need reassurance that what is happening will get better, I need to know that it's ok to hurt, that it's ok to feel like the only one out there good enough to be with is myself and that nobody will let me change that.
21 years is a long time, but I haven't been looking for campanionship for that long but still being 21 and having absolutely no relationships other than those of friends and family is just disgusting for me to even think about, it rips my soul apart when I hear the words "can we just be friends", or something similar, in no way is it the fault of the person who said those words.
I am sure they know how that can feel, but how would it feel if that is all you have ever heard for your whole life. I am never good enough never the better person I have always longed to be, I wish it was easier but it just isn't, I will get over it, I will heal and I will ask again, but at what cost.
Just so I can be thrown in the pits of Tartarus again, just to have my soul pulled apart by oppisong forces, all in the name of a companion, why do I desire someone to call mine why do I need a friend I can always rely on to be there when i need her most, why is it just so damn hard! Why....
When will the fighting in my body stop?
Many people in my life have always said that I will find the right person in time, I believed them, I tried for so many years to find someone I can trust, to love and just listen to me.
It is very difficult for me to say this, I hope that the person that helped trigger this doesnt see it, I don't want her to feel bad, I just want to write how it feels, I understand completely how people can feel different about different things.
I can admit that tonight I cried for the first time in many years, it was a relief I let it out, I wish I cried more, it helps, I didnt cry for what I lost, I cried for what I could have had, theres no reason for me to feel this way, no evidence to suggest that we need a companion, someone just for me, why were we made like this, is it just because... See More we need women to reproduce, no, then why do we get crushed when we dont have them listen to us and how we feel, there are animals out there that dont need a partner they just mate and go back to the way it was, why can't it be that easy, please just end the pain..
I will not hurt myself but I will drown in my sorrow if I dont heal soon.
All this just comes from a simple why, why are we here, why does it hurt and why aren't I good enough...??
It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all..!
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