Love.

I can’t bear this pain anymore. I can’t bear to see you or hear your name or think about you for one more single fucking second but I can’t stop it. I love you with every single fucking cell in my body, sometimes it feels like every time I breathe or move I think of you and I love you so much more than you deserve you fucking son of a bitch.

I feel like I’m just pouring all my love into a big black hole and if I can just fill it to the top with my love then you’ll see how much I love you and how much we need to be together… but it wont ever be filled and I think I’m just going to waste away, pumping all my love into this horrible thing that will just drain me of my life and my love and that takes little bits of myself away every day you don’t love me back…until I’m just a horrible empty shell filled with fear and hate and pain because there’s just no love left in me anymore.

Sometimes I think I’m better because I can laugh and talk and go minutes without thinking of you, maybe hours, but then I see something that makes me think of you…or think something that makes me think of you…or someone mentions your name or I see someone across the street with a smile like yours or your walk or your laugh or a sparkle that reminds me of you and I feel my insides curl up and hurt and hurt and hurt until I could cry…

But I can’t cry, I have to keep going and going and going as every second wrenches through me like a decade of pain and sadness and I fucking hate you, I hate you for doing this to me…for almost ruining me…or rather breaking me so much I chose to ruin myself. I want you to feel it, to feel every second of grinding agony you caused me and I want you to be so fucking sorry, feel so fucking bad that you can’t bear to live with yourself. I want it to destroy you like you destroyed me.

Mostly, I just want you with all my heart and soul.