Mediocrity

I feel lost within it. The mediocrity of my life. An honest statement, some might find it slightly repellent to read another persons rant about life but I need to vent.

You've been warned.

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I'm pretty sure everyone goes through a stage where they look around themselves and just desire more. In fact most people are probably perpetually stuck in such a stage, it's just right now I have nothing to distract me from that desire.

I'm in purgatory, I'm stuck between adolescence and adulthood. I finished school like most people do, gladly. But now the pressure to do something with my life towers over me. I'm supposed to know what I want, I'm supposed to have some sort of life plan. It's been about a year since I finished school, a little less maybe despite the fact that school feels like a lifetime ago. I'm not some misguided teenager who thinks he's all grown up now, if anything I wish people would treat me like I was younger again. Because it would dissipate the cloud of expectations that are suspended over me.

Everyone around me is moving, but I'm motionless. It's not that I want to be cemented here, it's just I have nothing to drive me forward. Or maybe I do, I just need to figure out where 'forward' is.

I hope I'm not alone in my struggle. Then again I've always been a loner, but in the most unpoetical sense. I don't have the luxury of being the dark, mysterious and slightly dangerous loner. I am the loner who hides behind a facade of normality, secretly mediocre in my loner-ness.

It's not that I'm socially disabled, I'm not extremely under confident or physically repulsive. I mean my mum says I'm handsome that's gotta count for something right? I just don't feel like anyone can see me. I feel like every conversation I've ever had with anyone has always just been small talk.

I feel like when I was being dealt my hand there was nothing interesting left to be dealt. There is no drama in my life, no danger, no conflict, no purpose.

Ghandi said whatever we do in life will be insignificant but it's very important that we do it.

I like that quote, heard it in a film the other day. I feel like I am blind to the latter half of the quote though, I can't see the importance in my insignificant actions.

Every purpose I can conjure is contingent upon circumstances that aren't part of my existence.

I consider myself a deep person, but maybe considering myself such a thing makes me shallow. I try to search for meaning within my depth but I just find emptiness.

I wonder if anyone else feels a pessimistic as me right now.

I guess this mood will pass. After all, it can't get worse.