My First Ever Gag-Writing, Which, Incidentally, is My First Ever Fanfiction!
Published by Atari in the blog Nothing Better to Do Than Read Blogs? Then this is the Blog for You!. Views: 90
I was interested in writing something and my brother like Naruto, fanfictions, and Naruto Fanfictions.
Also, he likes comedy.
Well, one of the easiest thing to write is absurd comedy. (Don't think "Uncle Buck," think "Hotshots".)
So, I wrote a paragraph and showed him. He laughed. So, I wrote another and he laughed, again.
So I wrote a couple pages of sheer comedy. Some of it I feel to be so brilliant that I must record for the sake of posterity, so I am placing it here, as well.
I would love to see what you think.
The two main characters are non-canon, both from stories created by my sister and I.
Remember, it's inane, so you should have no complaints about discrepancies.
Here it is:
“Oh, really?” Sacuna said in disdain, giving him a disdainful look that was very clearly of a disdainful nature, “If so, then where are your kunai?”
“Hah!” Naiko said in a way that might be construed as derisive, only I don’t know what ‘derisive’ means, it just sounds cool.
He continued, “I need not italicized weapons. I have my Monaton Blades.” He demonstrated this, to which Sacuna appeared unimpressed, though he presumed she was inwardly.
A group of ninjas suddenly surrounded our unreluctant heros who were, in fact, itching with highly contained impatience, as it had been a while since either one of them had mass-murdered; for Naiko, it was three years ago, and for Sacuna, it was somewhere around lunch time in a place where a noodle shop existed at one point, but is now spiraling wildly in a zero dimension gravity well.
Naiko slashed his arms to draw his weapons and Sacuna prepared several kunai, though somewhat reluctantly, as she could only remember how passively he felt about weapons that had to be italicized, and it somehow felt that she was being manipulated, though she had no idea in what way.
“Well, we can fight, if you’re interested,” Naiko said, gritting his teeth.
“Sure,” she responded, but questioned him because she heard the way his voice sounded, and consequently knew that he was biting his teeth together, “Are you that worried?”
“No, I gotta use the bathroom, and besides, if I am any judge. . . it has been at least five minutes since the ninjas first started approaching. Are we in slow motion?”
Sacuna nodded. Slowly.
The two warriors walked away from the blood-spattered battlefield arm-in-arm, laughing at the different anecdotes of how they brutally contorted, twisted, murdered and annihilated their individual foes.
“One time,” Naiko squeezed between bursts of laughter, “I stabbed a guy in the chest so hard! Hah hah! So hard that–“
“Go on!” Sacuna breathed through a hail of laughing.
“That I stabbed him, AND his partner! And they walked around like a shischabob for a week! HAHHAHA!”
Sacuna regaled him of a time when she had poisoned her sister with a deadly poison. After her sister coughed blood and was laying on her death bed; only then did she produce the antidote with a flourish.
Everyone, she said, ahd a good laugh.
Naiko reconsidered the practical joke he had been planning.
They returned to the noodle shop. Sacuna remembered, then, her assailing of the place after a man asked her on a date.
“What did you DO here!” Naiko asked, incredulous.
Sacuna shrugged, “I glared at them and the place suddenly broke asunder and was hurled into a zero gravity-well.”
Naiko reconsidered traveling with her, at all.
“Do these things often happen when people. . . uh, insult you?”
“Oh, I wasn’t insulted. If I was insulted, I would have done something horrible.”
Naiko gave a forced, sickly smile that sweat with nervousness, “R-right. . . .”
“Wait a moment!” Naiko suddenly said, putting the back of his hand on her chest to still her as he looked about, searching for a signature of chakra he sensed.
Sacuna, fortunately, did not notice the innocuous gesture which could be misconstrued and taken entirely out of context to have some sort of sexual connotations.
If she had, you may not b e reading this story. Instead, I was able to write all of this down from the bushes as I observed.
As it happened, it was an entire hoard of ninjas, “Oh, no!” Naiko exclaimed, “It’s a gaggle of ninja!”
“A gaggle?” Sacuna raised her eyebrow in a decidedly disdaining manner, as you may have noticed by now, that she is prone to do.
“Yes, a gaggle!”
Sacuna grunted, “I think the word you want is a passel.”
“That’s ridiculous! Maybe it’s a hoard.”
Sacuna looked at the ninja rumbling toward them, then looked back at Naiko, “How about a school?”
“It doesn’t sound very impressive,” Naiko said absentmindedly, “I think it should sound cool. . . how about– a herd!”
“Oh, yes!” Sacuna exclaimed with exaggerated enthusiasm which was filled with–
“Disdain, yes, I get it.” Naiko glared at me and I huddled further into the bushes, chanting quietly to myself, “He can’t see me, he can’t see me, he can’t see me–“
“Of course! A herd! No, better; a flock! How is that?”
“Fine! Just shut up, I don’t need you insulting me when a flocking herd of hoarding ninja are rumbling toward us like a gaggle of vampire-like raptors!”
Sacuna took the harsh words gracefully and turned away.
Naiko came to her side when he had pulled his foot out of his mouth, position of which was courtesy of Sacuna’s grace.
“Alright,” Naiko said breathing heavily, “no more nihilism! We’re a team, here!”
“Since just now when I suggested it.”
“Well, I accept your thinly-veiled attempt to patch things up without actually apologizing.”
Naiko refrained from removing her spine with a swift kick to the butt.
And then they were upon them.
And then they were gone.
“What just happened?”
Sacuna shrugged, “They were– apparently running away.”
“From what? What could cause an entire flock of ninja–“ Sacuna glowered, “– to run scared? Also, why are we talking about them as if they were herding animals?”
Suddenly, the quiet pattering of distance footsteps on dirt sounded. They grew steadily louder until on the horizon they could see a guy running toward them.
“Who is that?”
“I don’t know.”
“I know you don’t know.”
“Then why did you ask?”
“I didn’t ask you!”
“I’m the only one here.”
“So you were asking yourself?”
“Then, you must have been asking someone, and because you weren’t asking yourself, then you must have been asking the only other person here, which is me!”
“Which is I.”
“I thought you said you weren’t talking to you!”
“Then why did you say you are!”
“I didn’t! I was correcting your grammar!”
“So are you talking to me or not?”
“No, it was an outward introspection.”
“That’s a contradiction in–“
We shall never know what it was a contradiction of, however; because at that moment a guy in an orange jumpsuit came running up to them.
“Did you see a gaggle of ninja running through here?” He asked between panting breaths.
Naiko gave Sacuna a snide look, which she ignored gracefully. While Naiko was prying his fist from his own eye-socket, Sacuna addressed the kid, “Who are you, neon-clothed wearing runner?”
“I am Naruto! I’m a ninja and one day I’m going to be–“
“Yeah, that’s nice, kid. You fancy yourself a ninja?”
“Yup! I’m terribly fast! Super strong!” He demonstrated these abilities with wildly flourishing, incoherent motions, incidentally, “And stealthier than–“
“No one. Look at what you’re wearing! You could light up the night with that orange light-bulb you’re wearing.”
“Hey! I can be stealthy when I want! And it’s not all that bright!”
“AGH!” Naiko shouted just after prying his fist from his eye, “My eyes! Something orange is so bright I can’t see!”
Sacuna swayed a hand demonstrably toward Naiko, to which Naruto glared, “You want a piece of me, woman?”
Sacuna gave him one of her most disdainful looks, “Sure, but I am afraid if I took a piece, there may not be much left.”
Naruto was getting angry.
“Naruto, you’re getting angry,” Naiko informed him.
Sacuna glanced at Naiko, then put her hands on her hips as she looked back at Naruto, “How can you tell?”
Naiko put a finger up as he used his other hand to dig in his pocket, whereupon he withdrew an egg. Casually, he sauntered over to Naruto, cracked the egg above his head, and Sacuna nodded, impressed, as it began to simmer, “Hey, you’re right.”
Naruto screamed, suddenly and flailed around, “Listen! I don’t have time to deal with you two! I have ninja to destroy!”
“What? You mean those ninja were running from you?” Sacuna asked in disbelief.
Naruto puffed his chest, “Of course! No small feat, but easily done with my–“
“Right, sure,” Naiko interrupted, “So, tell us the real reason they were running.”
“They were really running from me!”
Naiko and Sacuna blinked, then looked at one another.
Then laughed. Loud.
“What ever!” Shouted Naruto, “You don’t have to believe me! I’ll just show you!”
He pelted away without another word, though he threw some dirt and unintelligible sound effects behind him as he tore away.
Naiko and Sacuna looked at one another, shrugged, and began running after him at a casual lope.
“This lope we’re running at,” Naiko said, “It’s rather casual.”
“That’s what the man said,” Sacuna agreed.
“The one running with the bush disguise.”
Naiko threw a look at me, and I stopped suddenly, tripped, rolled and quickly threw some small furry animals from the disguise to make them think it was just a rustling of critters.
The two watched as the mammals flew from the bush and sailed careening through the air, looked at one another in bemusement, then shrugged.
I snickered. Fools had no idea.
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