nov 27

Published by Gigi_GNR in the blog Gigi_GNR's blog. Views: 109

I haven't ever really used this blog, but I feel like these entries are gonna happen more and more lately.

I'm just tired of being stressed. And I'm tired of saying that I'm tired of being stressed. I'm tired of working so hard at school and at work and yet always feeling like I'm teetering on the edge of a collapse. I'm tired of saying the word "hopefully" about the things I want to do - hopefully I'll have enough time, hopefully I'll do X by this date, hopefully hopefully hopefully - because it's long ago ceased to mean what it actually means - "I hope, and I'm likely to" - to meaning "I'm hoping, but it's probably not going to happen because of a myriad of ever-changing factors, most of which are financial."

December's financial situation is going to suck, no matter how I look at it. And I know that by December 11, I'll have a nice paycheck that will get me up to a respectable place (here's the key, though: up and not above, or over, or getting ahead), and then Christmas will knock it back down, and then on Christmas I'll get paid again and will be back to the Dec. 11th place (or slightly above), and then rent will knock me back down either 533 or 413 depending on if my new 4th roommate has enough money to pay rent by then.

I'm working as much as I possibly can these few weeks of school left, and then over break I'm potentially working 40+ hours a week, so by the end of January I should be at a more respectable place if all goes as planned (no emergency financial situations, 4th roommate paying rent, getting the requisite amount of hours, generally being smart with money) and then my tax return in February should keep me there or even push me ahead to where I really want to be. Long story short, I know I'll be okay financially, eventually, by January or February or March if all goes as planned, but that depends on IF everything goes as planned, AND it doesn't account for the now, and this upcoming month is going to be getting towards where I was at the beginning of the summer (barely scraping by) instead of where I was at the end of the summer (really comfortable), and I'm trying to propel myself back to the "really comfortable" side of things and keep myself there. Things are just gonna be DEFCON-5 level panic, finances-wise, this month, unless something miraculous happens and I'm gifted money (which could happen at Christmas, but I won't count on it).

I know I'll eventually get back to where I want to be financially - October was the month of buying the rest of the new furniture and November, apparently, was the month where I was trying to recover from that and also not really making a lot of money, so I've had to dip into the savings account way more than I'm comfortable with. I'm not at eviction levels of poverty, but considering I'm a miser and I want to hold on to as much money as possible, I'm nowhere near where I want to be or need to be in order to feel comfortable with my finances. I know I'll eventually get back there, but the thing is, I don't know exactly when that will be, or what could crop up between then and now where I get knocked back farther.

I'm just tired of the rat race, honestly. Looking forward to school finishing for the semester so I can work like a maniac and get back to where I need to be, or even get ahead.

Speaking of school, this is all going down just as finals are approaching, so of course the time when I need to be focused most on school is the time when my financial situation is the worst it's been since moving into the apartment (and hopefully - there's that word again, damn it - the worst it'll ever get while living here). So of course I'll be focused on my money at a time when I can't be focused on anything other than school. Of course. I'm mowing through as much homework as I can in the meantime. If my financial situation sucks, I'm at least going to pass all my classes - the reason I'm putting myself in apartment-related financial stress anyway.

Wish me luck.
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