november - part 2

Published by Gigi_GNR in the blog Gigi_GNR's blog. Views: 136

I also can't stop feeling like I'm making all the wrong decisions, constantly. Like my life is a game of Until Dawn or something, and every choice I make is a QTE that I'm not pushing the buttons fast enough on. Buying healthy food? Well look, you just spent $83 in a day, where are you gonna get that back from? Buying unhealthy food to save money? Now you're eating like shit, which is the very thing you said you would stop doing. Don't you want your trips to the gym to be worth it?

Focusing on housework over schoolwork? Now you have less time to do schoolwork, the entire reason you're in this apartment in the first place. Focusing on schoolwork over housework? Now the house is filthy. Dishes are piled in the sink and the garbage is overflowing. Can't you take care of yourself or your living space?

Another example - I asked my boss to give me a lot of hours over Thanksgiving week because I don't want to go home to my family and I need the money besides. That helps with the money situation, but now I have less time that week to do homework if I still have any to finish besides what I'm trying to get done in a mad dash this week. That also could potentially affect my mental health, although I don't know yet, but the point is, my "break" isn't really a break because it can't be.

My friends are the best group in the world. They are. They're the people who help me get through this nonsense the most and make me feel like I'm not a failure. They give me support and encouragement and a huge reason why I'm not completely hopeless is because I have them. But they all have their own issues too, and I feel guilty unloading mine on them even when they ask me to, or say that it's okay. I'm also the caretaker of the group, really - I'm the mom friend to a huge degree. So I get concerned about them too. I get concerned about their mental health and their finances and their lives, and it's always my instinct to focus on their problems over mine. So I tend to focus on that over my own issues, and then I get caretaker burnout in addition to being in the same position with myself regarding all the things I have to do.
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