Well tomorrow or the day after im going to the doctors to tell them about how i have been feelings. Im not sure how long it takes, but i'm going to Anti-depressantway (though previously no a fan of the idea until lately).
Im kind of scared. I mean doctors come across this daily but i actualy feel relly sick deep inside and an *sigh* depressed.... but i just dont know how to say it to the doctor. i mean have the signs, trying to throwaway my girlfriend of 10 years, telling my family to get lost and sitting in the bath cutting my arms, punching walls, breaking mobile phones and everything else thats mine but as much as talking doesnt bother me, its just the first sentence when the doctor asks, so why are you here that bothers me. I just fear saying to him or her "Im dperessed" without thinking what they are thinking (I mean i dont care but id rather stay in my room all weekend than be judge "Oh he thinks his depressed" for that awkward period
The gitlfriend wants to come with me, i would like that but i've told her to stay at home.
If i take this route i wonder how i will feel in a week. I wonder if unlike now i will feel anything or if i will still feel nothing, but i can cope a little either.
I feel excited, if i felt something.
I hate doctors and getting on my knees, but F#@! it.
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