Oh Uh

By Leaka · Aug 20, 2009 · ·
  1. I wonder how many people actually like me.
    I wonder if people go, uh oh Leaka[replacing my real name] is here better hide.
    How many people still hold a grudge without trying to get to know me?
    How many people hold the ideal that I'm a bad kid who's rebellious?
    These questions and these thoughts rummage around in my head.
    I wonder how many answers are true.

Comments

  1. jonathan hernandez13
    Hmmm, somehow I doubt that truly bad people ever stop to reflect on whether or not they are bad or why, megolomaniacs are self-assured of their own superiority and have delusions of grandeur that go beyond or inhibit even basic compassion.

    Chances are you are not as bad as you think or thought, and anyway, according to Taoism good and bad are only relative to each other with neither existing independent of the other. Humanity transcends good and bad, good and bad are merely social constructs, they don't exist in nature. A Killer whale isn't bad for eating a cute baby seal, even as cruel as it appears when they thrash it around.

    Chances are you help other people out of a sense of social responsibility, which is not jealous or empathic. Same for family, it behooves family to be cordial, it promotes cohesion and makes hope for the future generations, but between you and me I really don't care for much of my family (and yes, like Greeks, we Hispanics have very big families:p). I felt long ago like they don't give a damn about me and barely made an effort to remember my name, I have friends that are closer family than them! In the service I had guys who probably would have fought tooth and nail for me in a dirty ditch, I know I would have done the same.


    "I wonder how many people actually like me".

    Well I like you:)
    And I know you can counter with "you don't know me" or "you don't know what I've done" but it doesn't matter. Liking someone doesn't have prerequisites or preconditions. It doesn't have demands that need to be fulfilled or requirements to be met. Liking someone is as old as the tallest tree and as true as a bird's song. It sprouts from the heart like a sprig from fertile loam, and it sustains itself, perpetuates itself, and is it's own reward. Besides, who says that you are put here to impress anyone but yourself, you are not a clown, you are not meant to entertain or amuse us. You have the right to do whatever you want, permitted you aren't causing harm.


    "How many people still hold a grudge without trying to get to know me?"

    Maybe someone who resents an aspect of themselves that they see in you. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

    "How many people hold the ideal that I'm a bad kid who's rebellious?"

    Hmmm, like most teens I bet you're very rebellious, all teens naturally are, but not necessarily bad.:p


    I base my answers on the reflection that you are in a formative and impressionable period of your life that I and many other teens went through (and I see alot of most past self in you). You are a point in your life where you leave behind girlhood and inherit womanhood, and you didn't ask for it or want it, but you can't stop from growing. Non-industrial cultures have rites of passage for this reason, even in the modern world we have these rites (sweet sixteens, proms, freshmen initiations, pledge initiations, boot camp, indoctrinations, all rituals...)

    These trials are meant to be unpleasant, hence ritual scarification in some African cultures and the "bloodstriping" tradition in the USMC (just ask me about some of the stupid and silly traditions of the Corps which are considered hazing by today's standards), so that they are remembered. By survivng the trials of fire, we emerge stronger and (hopefully) wiser.

    Sorry for ranting on your rant. I sincerely believe that you are not a bad person and hope that I have made a convincing argument.
  2. losthawken
    Hey Leaka,

    Sorry you got called a girl, I'm sure Jonathan meant well ;)

    I've asked myself all of those questions and more. But the thing I eventually realized was that I was the ONLY one asking them about me. I filtered my world through my self perception, which was much less than positive.

    I thought people could see all my flaws because they were so obvious to me and because I was so obsessed over them. I believed I was different from everyone else, unique, and thought that that was how everyone else saw me... As a freak.

    It takes time and effort to move past that stage, and I agree that it is a common event in the life of most young people. I'm 27 and just worked beyond (most of) those fears in the past year.

    You remember 'Reply to Glassman' right? Its all in there (well maybe not all, but the gist of it is)

    You can do it, ;)
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