Only this last time..

By BeautifulEscape · Mar 29, 2011 · 556 · 2
  1. I look at him sitting in his comfortable chair
    Half-open window
    View wandering through two glass planes
    Gray hair refuses bright moon
    Rays as to create some elongated halo that runs along his head
    Hums quietly
    Folding his hands on his knees following the rhythm of the song
    Eyes closed, just a quick soon spasm of eyebrows in the rush of memories
    He sometimes raises his hand to touch his face..
    To recall how years behind had left the trail..
    Song cease to exist as he breathe
    And his breath turns to vapor..
    But no, he isn't cold.
    His body is there, but his thoughts, his thoughts are far away in another place
    Soft wind caressed his face, but he does not feel
    And he let's go, memories hug him
    Stronger hand-grip
    Leaning in the corner of the room, a small patched puppet
    He has it in his mind, but his body is too tired
    Suddenly mild-wind gust awakes him
    He opens his eyes, gets up, raising his head
    Steps quietly steps toward the doll
    Holding to a small cradle an slowly sit down next to the doll
    He whispered something and then closed his eyes..
    Your safe in my heart..


    I have written this story for a boy I knew. He loved me and never said anything bad about me. Sometimes I despited him, took him for granted.. But I always loved him. I think he knew that. I still do love him. It's just I miss him so much, wishing him back.

    -When I wrote this I didn't cry. No, I closed my eyes and in one quick sigh- smiled.

    "He brought you something special when he came here, didn't he? That's what you hold onto. That's how you keep him alive."

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  1. Bay K.
    You should have posted this in the poetry section of the writing workshop for proper review.

    When you mentioned 'gray hair' I thought you referred to an older man --aging man.

    Is the doll actually a doll, or does it represent a person?
    Bay K., Mar 30, 2011
  2. Gannon
    You've some nice lines in here - the "Gray hair refuses bright moon" one in particular. For my money, I'd recommend paying some close attention to punctuation in this piece though, so that is can truly shine.

    Punctuation guides the reader, telling him when to pause - a line break doesn't do this, at least not as well. Punctuation can also help pacing, syllable counts and rhythm when used well.

    I also find that the capitalisation of each line is unnecessary, an antiquated stylistic that usually only serves to distract these days. On the whole, I'd lose it where you wouldn't use it in prose.

    Why not, after meeting the reviewing requirement, post up your piece in the writing workshop forum so we can give the piece a more thorough going over? Kind regards.
    Gannon, Mar 30, 2011
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