Opening scene.

By captain kate · Oct 18, 2012 · ·
  1. I'm getting more satisfied with the product as I keep running it through the hard copy editing process. In my opinion, it's the only real way to truly edit, because you look at the page, and things stick out more there then on a computer screen for some reason. Ah, well, to each his own.

    She tore onto the landing field; freedom just feet away.

    Her athletic shoes slid across dry, burnt orange ground before they gained a purchase, the sudden stop causing her to windmill both arms to keep balance. She spun on the balls of her feet, blonde and red hair following the motion before reversing course. It flopped over her face, a golden colored shield, and the girl raised a hand, blood running from several deep cuts on the back of it, pushing it out of the way with a growl.

    The girl squinted her eyes after spending so much time indoors, licking suddenly dry lips as she kept looking over her shoulder and then back towards where she came. A young man, burly shoulders rippling, sweat plastering his brown hair to his head, struggled with an older man. He gave up five inches to guard, fighting to keep him at bay, before looking over at her. His rounded, chiseled face making her heart flutter for a second, the strain contorting his high cheeks into a grimace of pain, and she looked helplessly at his battle.

    “Katie, run!” He shouted. “Go! Get to the shuttle!”

    Another voice chimed in.

    “Almir! Run, damn it, run!”

    She glanced over a shoulder at the tall man, standing on the shuttle’s cargo ramp, his long, thin face scrunched in a snarl. The backwash from the shuttle’s turbines lifted his short, salt and peppered hair as he looked at her, eyes imploring her to run. Dust thrown up from the turbines turned his black uniform an ugly shade of brown and he kept a hand to shield eyes.

    Another cry drew the girl’s attention back to the young man’s plight.

    “Katie! Go! Get the hell out of here!”

    Tears ran from her green eyes and down curved cheeks, and through the channel on both sides of her small nose. Kate took a couple steps, chest tightening as Thomas, best friend and lover, sacrificed himself for her freedom. Rear Admiral Claudio Reyes, head of Fleet Intelligence, screamed at her, her mind racing with conflicting thoughts and emotions.

    What the hell do I do? I can’t leave Thomas-what would I do without him??

    “Goddamn it, Katie!” Thomas shouted again as the man started to gain the upper hand. “Move your ass!”

    The guard pressing his greater leverage, and his muscular arms rippling, starting to gain an advantage as He shoved Thomas down to the ground, pulling a long, shiny knife from a sheath on his belt. Thomas, helpless to stop the events about to unfold, looked at her, tears in his eyes, silently begging Kate to run.

    Kate ran towards him, right arm extended as if she could prevent the events about to happen. “Thomas! No!”

    A quick flash of steel in the orange sky, and the man drove the knife deep into the side of Thomas’ throat. Blood spurted as the guard pulled it back out, and the younger man brought a hand up to his neck. The red liquid, his very life, flowing between the fingers of his hand, and he looked over at her, eyes full of love, starting to visibly weaken.

    She fell backwards, legs buckling, barely feeling the impact with the hard ground. “No! No!! NO!!!

    Thomas seemed to shrivel, and he fell to the ground face first and didn’t move. Sobs, deep and wrenching, racked her body as Kate pushed herself backwards with both feet.

    “Almir! Come on! He’s gone!” Reyes shouted.

    She pushed herself back upright, the move mechanical, staring blankly where her best friend-and lover-lay. “Thomas!”

    Kate ran backwards, never taking her eyes off the guard. A sneer, combining joy over the kill and disdain of her, pulling the corners of his lips upwards, and the man looked up, seeing the shuttle, eyes narrowing and he spat on the ground.

    He reached onto his belt, pulling a grenade off, and yanked the pin. The guard tossed the grenade, moving quickly backwards, as Kate spotted the tumbling weapon. Behind Kate, Reyes stepping forward, arm outstretched, his face contorting in rage.

    “Shoot that bastard!” he screamed.

    Multiple gunshots filled the air, but Kate never heard them. Her mind moved on overdrive, the world around her, moving at light speed moments before, slowed to frame-by-frame. She stopped shy of the shuttle, watching the pineapple tumble through the air, every detail crystal clear. It’s ovular; armor gray exterior contained many round protrusions, each containing its antipersonnel shrapnel, with small squares covering the remaining surface.

    “Almir! No! Get down!”

    It started to angle down at her.

    “Almir, move! Run!”

    She looked at him, blonde hair flying, and then back to the grenade. It was already too late, and Kate closed her eyes waiting for her inevitable death.

    The explosion, blinding her even with eyes shut, shook the air and she opened her eyes as a mighty fist slamming into her chest. Explosions of pain raced up the spine as Kate’s chest collapse the sound of her heartbeat dying. A spray of needles tore into the bottom of her face, which burned as if someone poured burning oil on it. Hot steel, rushing outwards at great speed, ripping through her arms and legs, adding to the agony until the crescendo overwhelmed her.

    Kate slammed into the ground, the impact brutal and adding to the pain filling her consciousness. Pain spiked and raced into her overloaded brain, the burning agony increasing to levels she’d never experienced before with each attempted breath. Screaming didn’t work, because her mouth wouldn’t move, which left Kate screaming in her mind, the horrible sound tearing deep into her consciousness, ripping sanity away.

    The agony reached a peak, and darkness grabbed her feet, pulling her downwards.

Comments

  1. Mckk
    A few things that stuck out for me -
    1. "It [the hair] flopped over her face" - do hair even flop? The word flop is too comical for the present situation. Strongly urge you to use a different verb. I quite liked the motion in the entire paragraph with her running, however, words like "flop" and another, where her arms made "windmills" create vivid but alas, comical images. I read about half of your scene and I am under the impression that humour is not what you're going for.

    2. This is an extremely weird sentence, especially "through the channel on both sides of her small nose" - we don't need to know the exact trail of tears, and it's very obvious you're describing just so you can give the character's physical description, but it's misplaced. You've drawn so much attention to her features that I've forgotten why she's crying in the first place, and her face, combined with the tears channelling on both sides of her nose and curved cheeks make her sound mechanical and really, really weird. I am too caught up in the image to feel any sympathy for her tears.

    3. That's repetition - it's clear she's conflicted as to what to do. Imposing the direct thought there cheapens it. Otherwise, keep the direct thought but delete the "her mind racing with conflicting thoughts and emotions". Also, minor note - choose either thoughts or emotions, but don't use both. It's too obvious and too much telling. Personally I'd go with direct thought but shorten it to only: "What would I do without him?" - it's succinct and the only thought that matters - it expresses everything you need to express.

    4. Lastly, spur her into action earlier. The guy yells at her to run 3 times before she even moves, and all this time you're describing the scene - the delay is far too long. I kinda lost interest because of this.

    All the best!
  2. captain kate
    was about to run my second hard copy edit, luckily i catch that stuff in the second. I don't know about others, I can edit on screen, it just makes every word seem perfect when they can go. How do you feel on it?

    Time for round two to catch the logical stuff next.
  3. Mckk
    Well I read it in detail only up the end of the quote below:

    I started skimming after this. My impression is that it is a little too "wordy" if you get me. Why does it matter that she squinted her eyes and licked her dry lips and looked over her shoulder and back where she came and having been indoors for so long? That is 5 pieces of rather trivial info crammed into one sentence and by the end of it I still don't know what the relevance of it is, nor do I know why she's running. The sheer number of details included slows the pace down and it actually gave off the impression that she's maybe running late for school or some other relatively mundane activity - certainly not running from a fight for a shuttle - in other words, nothing urgent. The tone of your writing is not urgent at all.

    By the time I got to the man fighting I'd lost interest in a way. And again, the man with his burly shoulders and wet hair - right now that info takes pride of place, when it needs to be the action that should be the focus. It sounds like a descriptive passage and not an action passage and again, no urgency whatsoever because of the leisurely details you give. No one will notice his shoulders and wet hair if he's grappling with a man trying to protect the girl. They're rather gonna notice the guy throwing a punch at the man and growling or huffing or trying to rip an arm off.

    It's not that your writing is "bad" - don't get me wrong, I think with some polishing your descriptions could be fantastic and you certainly know how to paint some very vivid images. But right now, description is not what you need - you need pace, and it's lacking I feel. Leave the description for another moment when things have slowed down and only give the most essential details, keep the pace up and use shorter sentences. This is an action sequence after all :) Hope that helps!
  4. Mckk
    Just noticed this line - I'd think about revising. "Blinding her even with eyes shut" doesn't make any sense - you've got your eyes closed, you can't see, you can't be "blinded" when you already can't see. Then the next piece of information is confusing because she "opens her eyes" - the idea of being blinded makes it sound like her eyes were already opened, and then she opens her eyes, which sounds... well just doesn't make sense. I'd rephrase.

    "Explosions of pain" I really liked - but then you continue with "raced up THE spine". What spine? Whose spine? It could've been a typo, but if it's not, definitely change it to "her spine".

    "as Katie's chest collapse the sound of her heartbeat dying" - I'm sorry but I do not understand this sentence. Did her chest cut the sound of her heartbeat off? Did her chest collapse, in which case it needs to be "collapsed"? Did you mean it in 2 sentences as in: "as Katie's chest collapsed. She could hear the dying sound of her heartbeat"?

    Besides, if the sound is "dying" I'm not sure she'd be able to hear the sound of it. Rather she should feel it. Especially after an explosion - your ears would be ringing, you certainly wouldn't be able to hear your heartbeat, let alone a dying heartbeat.

    Personally I'd break it up into 2 sentences like this:
    Explosions of pain raced up Katie's spine. She could hear the sound of her heartbeat dying as her lungs collapsed.
  5. Mckk
    Hey after all that critique I just wanted to tell you, excellent closing line here! Loved this sentence:

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