Personal

By Rebekkamaria · Jul 6, 2008 · ·
  1. It's quiet before storm. This feeling.

    I never want to get that phone call, never want to hear those words. "She did it." I don't want to read any messages from her. I don't want to listen to her. I don't want to know how unable to live she is.

    I don't want to know.

    It's impossible to carry someone who hasn't chosen to live. Who hasn't said: "I will do the work. I will find a way. I will survive." She hasn't decided and that means she cannot survive.

    She will always send me messages. She will always call me. She will always tell me that this is the last time. She cannot continue. This is the last time.

    Is this the last time?

    Is she dead now?

    Will I get that call?

    Will I be able to take it?

    Or is she going to continue doing this? Over and over and over again until we are all too tired of it. Will I stay close like I've always done? Can I be there for her, knowing that she cannot survive unless she makes that decision?

    I will. I can. Always. That's the deal. Stand by you, till the very end. I will. I will.

    I'm quiet. So very quiet. Waiting for that one last call.

Comments

  1. Banzai
    Wow... I'm not sure what to say to that...

    If you need someone to talk to, I'm always here.
  2. Rebekkamaria
    Thank you, Banzai. I appreciate it. It's the way we are, my friend and I. This is my position; that is hers. I listen, I accept. I cannot do much else. But sometimes, it's too hard to carry it alone. Then I just talk about it.

    And thank you for the offer. I'll remember that. *hugs*

    (and you're awfully sweet :-D)
  3. Banzai
    Lol. I try. And I mean it. I've been in similar situations, so if you do want to chat, you can PM me or add me on MSN.

    *hugs*
  4. SonnehLee
    I've been there. I know exactly how you feel, and how scary it is. It's something we were never supposed to have to deal with, but just hang in there. There isn't much else you can do. It'll pass, things will get better. Though, sometimes they have to get worse before anything can improve.

    Lots of hugs,
    Em.
  5. Kirby Tails
    Ick, I'm going to avoid saying what I want to say here.

    Have you ever tried getting her on antidepressants or anything?
  6. Rebekkamaria
    Banzai: *hugs* :-D

    emily...: Awww, you are so sweet. It is hard, but she's the sweetest person on this planet so I'm willing to deal with anything that comes with being her friend. I still have hope. Sometimes it's just impossible to get better. Sometimes the things we face are just too much. Thank you for your kind words.

    Kirby_Tails: She's in therapy. She's been in and out of the hospital. She has family and friends who support her. She's the kindest person I've ever met who would give everything of herself to others. She has just suffered too much in her life. She cannot carry it, not with the help of others and not with her own strength. Sometimes life is like that. No matter what we do, we can't save others. Not always.
  7. Bick
    ./sends lots of hugs your way

    :( I really hope things go well for both of you.
  8. Rebekkamaria
    Bick, you are so kind. *hugs* It means a lot to me.
  9. ChimmyBear
    So emotional...I am reminded of a beautiful song by Linkin Park "Shadow Of The Day" One line in it just keeps ringing into my ears..."...Sometimes goodbye's the only way..."

    I hope all works out for you both...I have been on both sides of this fence. Life's problems are not always so easy to juggle...there isn't always a place for pain, except heavy on your heart and scars don't always heal so easily. At times...the ability to reason and think rationally is impossible to find. It is chore to wake up in the morning.

    My heart breaks for this person...but, you need strength and encouragement too.
    *hugs* to you, and though that seems so inadequate for this stretch of road you are on, know it comes form my heart. Those who give support to the ones who are broken, are so often overlooked. Please know I am an ear...and though, I am sure, you may never take me up on it...please know I will listen.
  10. SonnehLee
    Well, then Rebekka, if there's nothing you can do, I guess all we can do is pray for the best. But if it gets to be too much, PM me for all your venting needs.
  11. Cogito
    It's a very difficult situation. You feel like you're swimming as hard as you can, holding up someone who is struggling but sinks as soon as they give up. It wears you out, and sometimes you find yourself just wanting to let go and swim away - a moment later you hate yourself for thinking that.

    I have no answers, but I think I understand the feeling, just a little.

    Peace and strength.
  12. fallen star
    I have been in your shoes. My best friend lost his twin sister a few years ago. He really couldn't cope and he started self harming. It broke my heart and I felt utterly helpless. I was scared that one day his parents would call me and tell me that he was dead. He didn't want to live anymore. But I know that he appreciated me being there for him. That's all you can do. You can't save someone who is beyond help. As hard as it was for me I had to accept that only he could actually make himself better with the support of his friends and family. A couple of years later he supported me through the worst experience of my life. Your friend is very lucky to have you and know that you will be there when she needs you. When I was ill pretty much all of my friends abandoned me because they didn't know ho to cope with me and how to act around me. I hope she gets better and that she gets all the help that she needs. U just try and keep strong. Things usually turn out allright in the end x :)
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